Little fox has grown up

I'm just not the same person who wrote these posts anymore.

I've grown up and things have changed. I'm not sexually active or romantically active anymore as I need to focus on other aspects of my life such as spirituality and all. 

I might just update once in a while, but dont get your hopes up. Little fox has grown up now and he's not that curious anymore.

Unfortunately, unlike Xue Qiu, i never found my Ah Luo, so I'm staying in my cave in the snowy mountain and work to be a fox immortal.

Disconnected

Okay, something on FB kinda triggered this post. It's about disconnection. It's a problem that plagued me since i was a child. And nothing, i repeat, nothing, except, maybe, the illusion of having a partner, can hold me off this one. One delusion to neutralize another. Fantastic, isnt it?

Ori article: (read 1st before reading mine)
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/10-signs-im-disconnected-from-myself-jayson-gaddis

The symptoms when im disconnected is when:

-  i start seeing myself without a mirror, like how one would watch a drama on a tv sscreen, except that im both the actor and the audience. Im just a character and im just watching myself do what im supposed to do and the director is someone else, and i'll be watching from afar, with popcorn or chips. When I make a mistake, its not really me, its that character, so how can i be responsible?

- i lose track of time. in my brain, for example, it would still be last saturday and my brain would operate based on the fact that it is last saturday, when today is already wednesday. i hate this a lot and it messes up my ability to deliver work accurately. But it happens and yup, i have to deal with it..missed deadlines, opportunities, meetups, etc.

- antisocialness: I dont really see the need to talk to people and this is also the period where people report that i have 'negative' vibes or bad energy. But really, its really that i dont want to talk to them during that time, because i feel like i need to be isolated. Even if you're a close friend, this might 'happen' all the same. there will be an invisible but apparent barrier between me and people around me.

- Major depression. not a mystery, this one. Anyone can tell. But sometimes can be mistaken as self pity  when the brain is just stuck in a logic loop.

- Anger/frustration/fatigue/giving ups/suicidal thoughts - a result of the previous point. yes i do feel fed up when im in this state of mind and there's very little that can be done to quell it.

- The inability to decide. My decision making ability gets disabled, or rather, that part of my mind that decides things shuts down and i cant revive it. When this happens, i really need professional help as it might cause me to actualize my suicidal thoughts. Also the time where i'll make lots of wrong decisions, such as buying stuff i cant afford/dont need, talking to people in a bad way, etc.

- i forget things, such as forgetting to eat, forgetting things where they are placed, making mistakes in what i am doing, forget what i wanted to say, forgot why i went to the cabinet, etc etc, its like i can remember before and after, but not in between. FML. Can take hours or days before i can recall. Or I never recall.

- self loathing: i hate myself and therefore, i should die, and therefore, i should let other people do things i dont want to do on my body because i deserve it, therefore i deserve to be unhappy, etc etc etc.

- paranoia. xxx is against me. yyy is doing zzz and it will cause me to fail. i'm gonna fail and im gonna die (ties in with suicidal thoughts) i have no friends. i can trust no one.

- hearing voices or sometimes seeing characters, and nonstop surreal dreams to the point i cant tell which is real or not, its like having a radio stuck in your head the whole day because sometimes it can be songs from an unknown or known source playing in your head nonstop. Can be distracting at times. Sometimes its the phrase "but you're already dead", repeated throughout the day, week or month.

- the feeling that the earth is sinking/taking the wrong step/im drowning and needing to swim up/suffocation - the most 'exciting' side effect, usually happens during sleep

- the 'where am i, what am i' question. Sometimes in the middle of something i lose track of what i am doing and suddenly find myself doing that thing and i have no idea of what happened. also very tiring and draining to handle. I can read what i have written in the past and tell myself "but that's not me. why is he using my name and handle?"

When i get into one of these cycles, its almost impossible to get out of it, literally. It can take months for me to come out of one. Sometimes I visualize the spiritual guide, or sometimes i force myself to feel. Sometimes both methods fail, sometimes it works..either way, it is tiring having to deal with all of these.

kill me already, because its been 20+ years and i still have to deal with this.

I am not sick, just need at least, some of these symptoms to go down, and i'll be fine.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy

I'm tired of driving 'till I see stars in my eyes

I look up to hear myself saying,

Baby, too much I strive, I just ride

I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast

I am alone in the night

Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble, but I

I've got a war in my mind

I just ride

Just ride, I just ride, I just ride

I just want to fucking let everything go and ride with what i want.

But I cant because there will be people that i will hurt if i do so.

You don't want the truth the truth is boring

I've got this fever, need to

Leave the house

Leave the car

Leave the bad men where they are

I leave a few shells in my gun

N' stop me staring at the sun....

Just a shell through my brain to stop everything.

A not so fun flashback

It's 5.30am and I have not sleep yet. Unfortunate choice of coffee made me stay up the whole night...the restaurant I went to earlier was probably using some pretty strong coffee blend. Ordinary blends cant keep me up, but this one seems to do that and upset my stomach at the same time. In any case, this post is just to record a lil milestone I have with  myself.

The last sexual contact I had with someone I did not have connections with was 4 months ago. And I do not plan to do it with anyone else because I've managed to solve what I needed to solve in the first place -- my insecurity. i was pretty convinced that I was the most unwanted creature around and as such, should give myself freely to others....but I guess, after a confession by someone overseas...it made me think why should i hurt myself in this way anymore. You see, the last few encounters I had was anything but pleasant. I was in pain and he didint want to stop. It was literally, rape. But I brought it to myself...I thought that by going through this, my fear of sex and people would go away...that I should face my fears of having physical relations with a man...but it got addictive and it helped distract the unhappy things away from me. Now, it was different and I feel that I should not harm myself in that way anymore.  There was no need for that. Why should I harm myself when there are people who really care about me? Sadly, it did not work out with the overseas guy because....I am unable to commit myself to an unstable person. Not to mention that I was not ready and he was forcing his way in without giving me a chance to know him better. But it is okay..he is a nice person and shortly after the failure, he found a replacement for himself. Hope the best for him!

For the past few weeks, it has been the same nightmare that pops up during a random night. me getting raped over and over by my boyfriend...and when i begged him he just told me to shut up and its my duty to pleasure him. My insides hurt...my genitals hurt...it was horrible and it was unable to stop. It was a cold, piercing fear inside and brought back unhappy memories. I thought I've gotten past it...I've 'prepared' myself with all the sex i had with men and it should not bother me anymore. I'm the type that will keep poking on a wound until it stops hurting -- because i numbed myself to it. Obviously, the fear is real and still there. It did not work. Clearly, I am still afraid despite having done it hundreds of times, and I do not understand why....perhaps, all of them were bad experiences. The act was not out of love but self loathing.

I am afraid to be someone's partner. I do not want to be raped. I am afraid of the drama. I do not want to be destroyed mentally or physically. If i shatter now, I will not be able to piece myself again. I will not seek physical relations again...it only made things worse. For a while, I thought, to stop the sex addiction, it would be for me to find a partner. That way, I will not be hurt by people who dont care again and I will be grounded. I got obsessed and wanted it for a while based on that reasoning. But now I dont need it anymore because there are people who care about me..people who actually care and tell me the situations..people who nurture me patiently...people who is willing to take blames for me... and I cannot let them down. I will be strong for them and I will protect myself for them so that I do not end up being useless, broken junk like I was before. If someone cared for me and shows it consistently....I will do everything I can to protect them...help and nurture them...its just how I am.

i am in love with someone and he loves me too. He has been hurt so many times and I want to be protect him and heal him and nurture him... he does not want to commit at the moment. But we will take things slow, although sometimes the intense feeling of wanting to commit to someone who will not hurt me...is very strong...but i know i am not ready. If it happens now, it will fall apart. Both of us need time, but for now, withholding my feelings is painful. But I got to grow up. I will not hurt him or pressure him. He will come to me when he is ready. He is not the same person that appeared in my nightmare. I want to be with him...but in the future. Coz I want to learn to love, and to protect. And to heal. I'll do what I can now.

until then, I'll just be who I am. The sex is not me. I am not a slut. I am not someone obsessed with relationships. Those are my insecurities talking, and they are gone. It felt like a breakthrough of sorts. The love from my Spiritual Guide and all my colleagues from my spiritual home and also from him helped me push through. It felt like a new chapter in life. Everything is kinda different because I have a role...a place that I belong to. A place that I can fit in to. That was all I ever needed to be normal.

There's a legend that says that when a fox becomes ten times as wise and as mature as before, he will grow another tail to represent his experience. I feel like I will earn my 13th tail soon....hopefully. But now, it is just a stump, growing out with the others.

The Fox

A Fox Called Gon   Once upon a time there was a place called Nakayama and a lord called Nakayama-sama ruled the land. And up in the mountains not far away from the Nakayama castle lived a fox called Gon. This little fox was living all alone in a hole he had dug in the ferny forest. He was the kind of fox who liked to play tricks on people. Day after day he would sneak into nearby villages and get into some sort of mischief. He'd go to the fields and dig up mountain potatoes. He'd set fire to rape flowers laid out to dry. And he'd steal red peppers hanging in the back causing quite a commotion. -- One autumn day, it started raining and it didn't stop for three days. Gon Fox was forced to squat in his hole and wait out the rain before he could resume his mischief-making. When the rain finally stopped, Gon crawled out of his hole with a sigh of relief. It was a beautiful sunny day and the butcherbird were screeching high up in the blue sky. Gon decided to scout down along the stream near the village. The pampas grass was still glistening with raindrops. The stream, which usually just trickled down the rocks, was swollen from three days' rainfall. The pampas grass and bush clover by the stream were all bent under the yellow rapids.  


   As Gon walked down stream following the muddy bank, he spotted a man working on something in the river. Gon quickly hid behind some tall grass and peeked out. "Hey, it's that Hyojuu guy," Gon thought to himself. A man by the name of Hyojuu was waist-deep in the water, shaking a fish net. He had his tattered dark kimono tucked up to his waist. A round bush clover leaf was stuck on the side of face like a huge mole. Hyojuu lifted up one end of the fish net, which was bulging with things. Gon could see some brushwood roots, grass leaves, rotten chips and other junk, but what caught his eye were some shiny wriggly white things. "A-ha. I spy the belly of a fat eel and large carp." Hyojuu dumped the eel and several carp into a creel. Then he dipped the net back into the water. And a little while later Hyojuu got out of the water, set the creel on the riverbank, and went upstream to look for something.     As soon as Hyojuu was out of sight, Gon crept out from behind the grass and hurried to the creel to look over the contents. "What a prize this is. Wouldn't it be fun to throw all these fish downstream, away from Hyojuu's net." Gon reached into the creel and threw the fish back into the water. "And now it's time to throw the eel back in the river. Come here, you little devil." Gon tried to get hold of the fat eel but it was too slippery. Frustrated, Gon bit into its head, but the eel fought back and immediately wrapped itself around Gon's neck. At that moment, Gon heard Hyojuu's voice from afar: "You thief. Stay right where you are." "Uh-oh. I'd better get out of here. But first I need to get this nasty eel off my neck." Gon tried to shake the eel off his neck but it wouldn't let go. Gon had no choice but to leap into the tall grass and run for his life.   

   "Stop. You dirty thief. Wait. Stop. Wait." "I think I'm safe now. Whew, That was a close one." When he finally looked from his hole under the birch tree, Hyojuu was nowhere in sight. Relieved, Gon crushed the head of the eel in his mouth, yanked it off his neck and left it on the grass outside his hole.  

  About ten days later, Gon was passing by the back of farmer Yasuke's house and he spotted Yasuke's wife through the fig tree putting dark makeup on her teeth. And as he was passing by the back of blacksmith Shinbei's house, Gon saw Shinbei's wife combing her hair. Then he walked by Hyoju's place........ a small run-down house with a red well in front of it. A lot of people had gathered there and the women were all dressed up in formal kimono. "Oh, my. It's a funeral. I wonder who died in Hyoju's family." Around noon, Gon went down to the village graveyard and hid behind six statues. It was a beautiful day and in the distance he could see the Nakayama castle roof shining under the sun. The amaryllis were in full bloom making the graveyard ground look like a scarlet carpet. Then came the sound of a bell from the village. The funeral procession was ready to start. Soon Gon saw people in white kimono marching in the procession into the graveyard, murmuring, thier feet trampling the amaryllis. Gon craned his neck to see what was going on. There was Hyojuu in a formal white kimono setting a wooden tablet on the grave. Hyojuu's face, which had always been full of life, seemed drawn.   

   "Hmm,Hyojuu's mother must have died." "Hyojuu's mom must have told him she wanted to eat some eel. That's why Hyojuu went and took his eel. So Hyoju couldn't give his dying mother her last wish. Oh my, I did a terrible thing." Gon went to Hyojuu's house the next day and hid behind the toolshed. There was Hyojuu rinsing wheat at the red well. "Now that his mother is gone, Hyojuu is all alone in the world. Well, that makes two of us. " 

  "Sardines for sale, everybody. Fresh from the ocean." Gon was just about to leave when his ears perked up. He heard a fishmonger's voice in the distance. Gon hurriedtoward the voice. The fishmonger was walking by the back door of Yasuke's house. Yasuke's wife shouted back to him."Hey. I'll have some of those sadines." The man parked his cart on the roadside and took some fish into Yasuke's house. -- Gon knew exactly what to do. He grabbed some sardines and ran to Hyojuu's backdoor. Then he threw the fish into his house and hurried home. He turned around half way up the hill and saw the tiny Hyojuu still rinsing the wheat at the red well. Gon was proud of himself. He had wanted to make up for stealing the eel and this was the first good thing he had done.  

  The next day, Gon gathered a bunch of chestnuts in the forest and carried them to Hyojuu's house. Gon peeked in through the back door and found Hyojuu staring off into space in the middle of his lunch, with a rice bowl in his hand. There was a scratch on Hyojuu's cheek. Just then Hyojuu started muttering to himself. "Who in the heck threw those sardines in my house? That sardine monger was really mad at me. He thought I stole his damn fish." -- Gon's heart skipped a beat. "He must have gotten beat up." Gon left the chestnuts by the toolshed door. The following day and the day after that, Gon gathered more chestnuts and took them to Hyojuu's house. And the day after that he added to the delivery a few matsutake mushroomes.  

  It was a moonlit night and Gon decided to go for a stroll. He was walking below the Nakayama castle when he heard some people coming down the road. Gon hid himself on the side of the road and waited for the people to go by. It was Hyojuu and farmer called Kasuke. "you know something Kasuke?" "No, what?" "There's something strange going on." "Like what?" "Well, ever since my mother died, someone has been bringing me chestnuts and matsutake mushrooms." "really? Who's that?" "I have no idea. He comes and leaves them at my door.." "You're kidding." "No kidding. If you don't believe me, come over tomrrow and see for yourself. I'll show you chestnuts." "Huh. Well, what do you know." Suddenly Kasuke looked back. Gon stopped dead in his tracks, but Kasuke didn't see him and hurried on. The two men finally arrived at farmer Kichibei's house and went in. Gon could see a light through the paper door and the shadow of a man's shaven head. "It's a sutra chanting ceremony." Gon thought to himself, squatting by the wall. Three more people arrived and went into the house. Then a voice began to chant a sutra. Gon dicided to wait until the rite was done.  
  The next day Gon carried more chestnuts to Hyojuu's house. Since Hyoju was out in the toolshed making rope, Gon decided to slip through the backdoor of his house. But just then Hyoju looked up and saw the little fox go into his house."That Gon Fox is back again. First the eel, now what? I'll show him a thing or two."Hyojuu stood up, picked up his musket and loaded it with gunpowder. Hyojuu stalked toward the backdoor and just when Gon was coming out, he shot the little fox. Gon fell to the ground. Hyojuu rushed up to the fox and then took a look in the house. There on the dirt floor was a pile of chestnuts. "Wha-?" Hyojuu looked down at Gon in surprise. "So it was you, Gon. You are the one that brought me the chestnuts." Gon nodded his head weakly with his eyes closed. Hyojuu dropped his rifle and it fell with a clatter on the ground. Thin blue smoke was still rising from its barrel.  

The End


----------------------------


Somehow, and all the time, I do feel that I am Gon. I am tired that, no matter how much and how hard I try i will always mess up or that it will not turn out right. And eventually, people will misunderstand me.


I wish that my ending is like Gon's, but thats not gonna happen so life goes on. 


Oh well.


This is why I call myself the little fox. because i am like him in so many ways and i've hurt enough people..

The wound

I got an IM message from a friend that has not kept in contact for almost a year. He needed some urgent help with something he got himself into. He had no one around to turn to so he turned to me. He asked me if i could be there. It was 1am. I was also running into some issues myself with other things. But I agreed. I am very well familiar with the feeling of pain, despair and loneliness when nobody is there when i do need somebody, so i went. It was a chance to take away from others the pain that i have experienced so many times....it would be nice to be able to do that for someone else. It was a 20 minute drive.

I took care of him, patted his back, got him drinks, made me take meds until he got better. I fell asleep beside him when he fell asleep too.

Then suddenly I woke up with a tight pain around my chest. I looked down. My hand was holding a huge glass shard. My fingers were all cut and bloodied. The glass shard was stabbing repeatedly, unconsciously at my heart. There was a hole....the ribs were broken and sticking out...and there was a mash of flesh but a hole was there...and i was pounding at my own heart with the glass shard....again and again...until my heart looked like a well-pounded, scar-filled piece of meat. The pain started to come in....of the heart..the fingers, the chest..the ribs and it was unimaginable....as if the anesthesia or some sedative was starting to fade. I felt so helpless....someone please help me fill that hole...repair my heart...because i cant use my hand anymore...the fingers hurt...

The pain woke me up and I realize it was all a dream but the pain persisted. I looked around. I looked at my phone. It was 4.30am. My friend woke up from his slumber. I asked him if he was allright and he was so I went back home...still with the persistent pain in my heart from the "wound".

I have a huge emotional hangup about honesty with friends. Because too many of them had lied to me in the past. I've let go of that now and accepted that its okay for people to have small lies...because i lie sometimes too, to protect people's feelings and to make sure situations dont get out of hand. But it does dig me. I just need someone to fill up the hole in my emotional self....thats the reason why i keep longing for a partner. But no one will ever be able to....been waiting for so long for someone and nobody came. I'll just have to find my own way around it.

In helping my friend...i saw a part of myself which i normally cannot see. I've been getting myself into painful situations because I hated myself..it was the only way i knew with dealing with the pain of being alone sometimes and having no friends I can share with because i scared all of them away. Nobody would truly accept me and show me their trust....because i hated myself. Beneath the character that was me was actually a person who has been eating himself up alive...i just need help to get out of it. I kept waiting for someone to take away some of my pain but nobody showed up..nobody ever did so now i need to get myself out of it.

Now I realize how much my own pain has been damaging and hurting people around me.

Because my spiritual family deserves me. And I deserve them.

Because the spiritual teacher cares and loves. I am no longer alone.

It started when the Goddess left, so it will take sometime to heal.

Dosent mean I can stop caring for my friends even with the hole, or stop being who I am.

I have a reason to be better now.

I just want the pain to go away for now and I'll be a better person.

But please dont trust me because you'll get hurt....and I dont want that to happen...

I just need someone to trust me despite all of my ugly mistakes and I wont repeat them and I can truly be who i can....trust heals...but i can imagine why nobody wants to ever again.

too bad i am an aquarius

note: the title is referring to Miriam Yeung's song, not me.

A friend of mine has recently told me that someone he knows who is an aquarius has just broken up and is probably because aquariuses have icy cold personalities where they usually keep an emotional distance from people around them. It would be hard to connect to an aquarius, although they are good with people and appear to  me mr perfect on the outside but in reality they are like a turtle in a shell: keeping out people who want to care, even from their partners. And thus hurting a lot of people who try to care on the way. Kinda reminded me of an aquarian  friend who happens to be a really great friend on the surface but emotionally detached as a friend as i try to get closer as one. He did not care for his now ex bf's emotional needs as well. My question is, why get into relationships when you dont want to care about people's emotional needs? Why hurt others for a moment of pleasure?

Apparently, people born under this sign are very cold and disconnected from the people around them, and  they will think that is normal. And they will snub friends off and brush off anyone who tries to care about them as  they value their freedom in life over anything else. The water bearer pours everything out but does not get wet at all...apparently. And they will  think they did nothing wrong, and that they will never change.

But really do horoscopes  matter? What if you are an aquarius and you have the aforementioned trait? Its  not really about  horoscopes or fixed personalities, its rather whether or not you are willing to change to be someone who will hurt less people or stay the way you are and hurt more people along the way. You cant please everyone but you can make the world more bearable by just changing your behavior after seeing how it hurts others. It's not easy  but being aware of people you hurt should be. It's not a matter of horoscopes but self introspection and observation. Would you keep a negative trait just because it is "you" or change that trait so that you wont leave a trail of broken hearts behind?

Horoscopes can predict personalities only because people are too lazy to change their personalities because either they are too lazy or too afraid of being 'someone' else. But is it worth it to hurt others in establishing your own personality? Do let me know what you think.

Here's a quote i got from a friend:

 How can someone who 'loves' someone, treat the other person like shxt and hence caused them to feel hurt? True love is a state of mind that's rare, because it involves altruism, willingness to sacrifice and care for OTHERS at your own expense. It's not the "heart beats fast when I see you, you misses him even before you part"; it is truly a quality to develop.

strange connections

I guess i havent really talked about how i met the otters (tulsy otter and dancey otter). I met tulsy otter first then it was dancey. But what was freaky was we actually met months before that first meet in august. And i was sitting right beside them.

It was a play by launiang and dancey was actually singing to the opening act by some singing representative. And i was wondering gays these days are so flashy as dancey otter even had a scarf. He looked realllyyyy...campy. I even text-ed launiang if (s)he knew them since im pretty sure they're gay. His reply was "cibai you think i know all the gay guys meh?"

So thinking back...it was rather uncanny to sit right beside them during the play and then being their friends later O.O also, it turns out that they had a friend who was acting in the play. Uncanniness!

how freaky is it to sit next to a bunch of strangers, only to be friends with them a few months later? uncanny, innit?

Out of the den

The fox has been really busy for the past 2 months moving out from his parents' place and into a new den which is nearer to his workplace and spiritual home, as well as some friends. The spiritual home is very important to fox already. Its the link between him and the world he came from ^^ (no, lil foxie is not from earth ^^)

And its a brand new process for foxie. he has to resetup the den and his bank account is now empty >_< he has to get things ready, clean up his own room, buy things that are missing and alls. but at the same time he gets more freedom and hangs out with friends at later times and can micro manage foxie's life more ^^

I think it is a very good experience. All along i have been living in accordance with my parents' wishes and now i am free to live life the way i want to. With that comes the responsibilities and chores. If i dont pick up my clothes its gonna stay that way. Nobody's gonna pick it up for me. And i have to organize my time instead of just spending it in front of the computer. It's no longer go back home and have a hot meal; its plan and eat in advance before i reach home. No clean toilets and shower. But still a great experience for me to go through.

I'll call my new room the den. hehe.

Hopefully things will turn out to be good despite the cost. I am confident i can be a better person with this. After all the fox's spiritual adviser can never be wrong :P

cries of the celestial fox

[This is yet another story that i feel like writing. is it real? is it fake? i'll let you guys decide ^_^ ]

The reason why i am still single is because...i dont want to go through the pain of seeing him die before my time.

And ive had plenty of lovers, or owners, as you will, that i had to watch them die.

They cant grow old with me, because i dont age like they do.

My heart has been ripped open, healed, and then ripped open again.

Im still finding my previous owner. I am sure his reincarnation is somewhere and this beastial heart years for his presence.

We foxes may be sly, manipulative and crafty, but once we meet a friend, owner or lover who is worth hanging on to, we rarely let go.

its the curse of being a fox. its a long and painful journey that i doubt many other mortals around here can endure...

cursed to be attracted to both genders

cursed to be in an unattractive body

cursed to have no social skills

cursed to be alone, forever searching and yearning

many millennia ago when i was just a fresh fox spirit, i manipulated and tricked so many people into surrendering their essences to me...is this the retribution? to wander around cursed yearning for something he can never have...

praying everyday that the curse ends and that i wake up beside someone who really cares for me and loves me for the cursed creature i am. After all..i am here for my penance for all the horrible things i have done. I know i should not hope for much, but this beastial heart cannot help but to follow its instincts....

but neverthenless i do have a purpose here and i have to achieve it in order to make my stay here worthwhile. The wounds may always be there, but why should i let them stop me from leading life like everyone else on earth? I cant use my powers anymore and the other deities tease me, but thats allright, they dont have the tenacity i possess.

After coming here to earth i realize im not so bad after all. I learnt more about the humans that i hate so much. They kill so indiscriminately but when its their turn to die, they squirm and beg for mercy like the very creatures they destroy. But despite that there are gems hidden, and i yearn for this gems.

if i dont achieve my mission, i have agreed to be dissolved. That is only for me to blame. I miss my old body. It's been over 20 years and i still cant get used to this human one. It is very limiting.

but i will make the best of it.

slighty away

hey folks, sorry for the lack of updates. am in the middle of a big change in my life and this could really take a while to complete. I'll update this blog by then. Because there are a few more important things beyond writing about my gay life (which has been suspended since, and im living life just like anyone else) so there will be a hiatus of sorts. Do stay tuned and dont delete me off your blogroll just yet!!

the big thing about love

I have been thinking a lot about this topic for the past few days/weeks/months/forever and i realize that sometimes, love is not that all worth it at the end.

you take the effort and time to get to know someone, to learn that person as a person, and you have to open up to allow that person to learn about you (if it is one sided, you're just playing around. seriously dont ever do that. it is cruel to the other guy especially if he has opened himself up to you) and then accept and embrace the other person for all he/she/it is. And then do it mutually. It is a tiring process but if we've been only thinking about ourselves all along, this is a very rewarding process because for once we focus on someone else. That feeling itself is a nice thing because for once you dont have to just solve only your own problems, for once you can let someone in your heart and have less of me in there.

But how many people around have true love? Many people just exploit the fact that most people fall easily with chemistry (which can be easily stimulated with the right words and body language) and they dont care what entails. Or the worst ones are those who seduce, date and sweet talk people into opening up and then they themselves dont open up (i have experience with a few of those already) and when they're done, they just cut off all communications and pretended that nothing ever happened and leave the other guy to lick his own wounds. As if other people have no feelings and only they have. It's also these very same people who would end up alone because their trickery will reach its limit...and having no one there to open up to and having to face everything alone will reach its limit and when it does, they end up being old, alone, bitter and unhappy. Ironically, they are doing this because they feel alone and lonely and they want to try to remove it by 'dating' someone, but what they are doing will just increase what they are running away from. They will try to surround themselves with designer goods, or go to the gym everyday and get a muscled body, or friends, but they wont really be happy because it is just an escape...not the remedy. i feel very sad for these people, really. The only cure is just to open up and think of the feelings of others with every action.

Sometimes, the ulterior motive is very clear and obvious. In some couples, one half is obviously exploiting the willing half for money/lodging/emotional support and it is very disgusting for me to bear witness to such heinous and disgusting relationships. There's no such thing as a free lunch and whatever you take from others, you will need to repay sooner or later. I had plenty of opportunity to engage in such relationships but i refuse to because i know what it is going to end up to be at the end. When people give you something, they want something back from you and you have to give it...sometimes it could be more than you can give, and that is very scary. Guys who usually seek such relationships will also end up like what i talked about in the previous paragraph...

Problem is even if you're sincere there is no way to tell if the other guy is sincere. And it might be a very long time before you can encounter someone like that. But at least you can check if the other guy is sincere and it is quite easy. Chemistry is fun and engaging but what is important is what happens AFTER that. What is wrong with being sincere and opening up to someone that you know can accept you for who you are? The ugliness, beauty, nastiness, tantrums, humor, kindness and all?

I would like to fall in love, but not use people or exploit them even though i am capable of. And i will avoid people who bear red flags for all of these. Perhaps it is better this way and i can focus on more important things in life such as spirituality :)

different me's

It's been a rough journey throughout but im not going to give up at all. That's so not me to give up.

Sucker punch is a very good movie but it could be confusing at some extent. I like babydoll's will to fight. And since my mind is always wrapped in some sort of soap opera (yeah i see everything around me as a soap opera, everyone's a guest starring or recurring character or perhaps an extra) so i can like, so, relate, to babydoll. And i also have fantasies within a fantasy. It makes life more bearable.

reading the previous posts does make me realize i've been not myself for the last month or so. But i need to regain myself. I enjoy meeting people and i do need friends but fact is, not many around for me and the ones i can really relate to, but of late something's snapped in me.

This post isnt really supposed to be here, it's out of character but i dont care anyway. I think sometimes people do deserve to know the real, boring, socially ackward me but im learning. It's a painful process. I've always felt like i dont belong. when i interact with people, and social ackwardness and not knowing what to do in a social setting sets in, and when some friends exclude me from their circle it reaffirms the fact that i dont feel like i belong here on earth. So i gotta be more careful...

I feel like a fox trapped in a cage running around biting his tail...imagining it to be prey outside...entertaining myself and convincing myself im in the fields. Thats why i guess i relate to films like sucker punch. Maybe i need to get lobotomized. lol. Or restore my powers and fly back to heaven and become a Fox god or something. But nah thats not gonna happen. Its just like that brothel in sucker punch when in reality they are at the mental hospital.

I'll learn to react properly in social situations and i will learn to trust and open up more. I'm still alive after everything might as well try to adapt. I dont have a choice.

Now im just waiting for mr invisible to get me......LAUDAREE MACAROONS!!!! :p *runs around biting tail*

The sauna date.

A newfound friend wanted some sauna experience, so i brought him there.

Since he is taken i had to make sure that he dosent get molested or taken advantage of. So i went with him. I've retired from this sort of thing, but i dont mind getting felt up or jerked off.

As usual, the whole place was filled with guys in towels walking around and/or having sex in the sauna or steam room or the dark room. Or in the private rooms. Obviously, sauna virgin was very excited and amazed and he'd want to bring his partner along the next time he comes back to KL to the same sauna we went to (which is near where his bf stays by the way). It was not weird at all seeing each other nude -- it was just like camping. However it was slightly awkward to allow some guy to grab my dick and me grabbing his teeny 3incher in front of the friend. As he wandered around, getting sauna-ed, jacuzzi-ed, steam-ed etc, i was busy making my rounds getting molested in the darkroom. It's fucking mating season fuckers!

So, there was Creep A who felt me up and gave me a handjob followed by a blowjob in the darkroom (minus my consent, but that is what you'd expect in a gay sauna right?). He never got hard, which was annoying, and he started stalking me and my friend when we were outside. I attempted to start a conversation with him and found out that he is staying with his family, and he was 40. But his face looked really smooth. till it was creepy. It was the stalking that turned me off. Even Sauna Virgin was feeling uncomfortable as he felt Sauna Virgin up in the steam room. Luckily, Sauna Virgin was used to that due to too many camping trips. I did ask him for a phone number when i was somewhat impressed by him, but i quickly got really annoyed by his stalking and just ignored him. He passed me a piece of paper with his number. Deftly ignored. If only he did not stalk me and my friend.

Creep B asked me in to a private room. I rejected him the first time. Then on the 2nd time, it was the darkroom. I felt him up and he has a huge and interesting cock. He then asked me into the private room which i assumed that he wanted a good conversation. Not. he tried very hard to enter me and even rimmed me. I begged him no because i do not do it with strangers, and i definitely do not do it without protection. The wrestling was rather exciting tho, but if only he was my bf but nah. If he thinks its okay to do it, he definitely failed. But i guess he deserved a small chance. So i took down his number. And we left.

I SMSed him on that night and he called immediately and talked about sex. In front of granny. Needless to say i got into trouble and i had to talk a lot to undo the damage. -1 point for lack of consideration! The next day, he started SMSing. Okay. That's sweet. But in chinese which i cant read and who the fuck assumes that every chinese reads chinese? -1 point. Then he called. Twice. And i could sense his desperation. It was a HUUUUGE TURN OFF. He begged me to call him and acted all desperate. At least he is 28 but works as an office boy and stays around PJ.

Later after work and begging me to meet up with him (which i refused -- no thank you) but i did call him and boy. it was a huge mistake. he kept ranting on and on, mainly on how people have treated him and about his ex blah blah. At this point i was pretty much determined to call it off and i was really pissed because he kept talking like a salesman that i could do whatever i want and he respects it, and that he would give me a probation period of 2 months. But i am really sorry -- i dont dig guys who get overly obsessive, or desperate, or both when it comes to dating. Especially after a rape attempt against me. There was not a hint of gentlemanness, but only bitterness and scars. I feel sorry for him, until he said its either lovers or nothing at all. Then he changed back his story to giving me the 2 months trial. I had a hard time telling him no. its not gonna work because he was THAT desperate.

I finally managed to end it with "next time PLEASE dont talk too much about yourself on the first conversation with your date. It scares people." And he apologized. And that is pretty much it and i dont really plan to meet him again and he got the message.

Now i realize why most guys choose to just ignore instead of tell the other person "lets not see each other anymore" like straight couples.

And with that i wont be going to gay saunas for a very, very long time. I'm too good for that.

Foxy requirements

I'm the fox on the right...if you are the fairy/guy on the left please take care of me once more T_T sorry for leaving you on earth to fly to heaven 100000 years ago i miss you!!

ARGH!! It's my mating season again. It comes twice a year: April and September. It's the time of the year when i feel horny, lovesick and desperate. But this year i must hold it in so that i can be 1 step closer to being a fox fairy a decent person. I guess its just something i need to go through. Sadly tho the timing of my hormones is the same as the cats and dogs. When the cats and dogs start howling...so will my heart =__________=" ughhhhhhh now who says its fun to be a fox?! not its not fun at all!!

right....since i am searching for a partner, might as well talk about the requirements here. Obviously since i am a male fox somemore, and traditionally male foxes love philosophy and the arts, the owner bf must be well versed in the arts of the senses -- art, music, food, perfumery, philosophy. He has to have a maturity and sophistication and depth of a certain level. Age wise, older guys preferred. I aint gonna babysit no kiddos!! He must be able to carry out conversations and must be able to adjust himself according to situations. And sincerity is important. A fox never forgives a liar, especially if it happens to be a date or a lover, so if you do screw that part with me.....you're gonna lose all your chances and i will BITE BACK. Hard. Also dont forget that the fox can see through lies very easily....i'm old!! He has to be matured (has anyone notice what is my main criteria yet?) and independent in all the ways. In a way being my lover is almost like adopting me like a pet, but a very intelligent one, so if the potential date has a pet that is well taken cared of, it should not be too different than taking care of me. Except you dont have to bathe me (I dont mind that at all!!) and all the likes. Love me and i shall return it tenfold, but scorn me and you shall suffer greatly.

see its not that high. any takers? or you know anyone that fit the bill that you can introduce me to? I'm not too demanding, emotionally and materially, but you do need to provide emotional support when needed. Material support is a bonus for me. You dont have to be muscular, just show that you groom yourself well and take care of yourself well.

There is a song that actually sums up what i would like my potential bf to be like :P yes i know its a tranny, but the song is addictive. really, really addictive. And yes she is singing about the perfect bf for most of us.

Company

Another fanfic. Enjoy!

============================================

I went directly to the hotel. That was what the directions said anyway. It was a very expensive and luxurious 5 star hotel. I went up the 30th floor, room 3115.

I gave a gentle knock on the door. This triggered a gentle shuffling sound to approach.

He opened the door. A well-groomed Chinese man in this late 30s opened the door. "Ah, you're here. Come in please." He was wearing a red polo shirt and long sporty shorts.

I made my way through the door, into the posh room of wallpapers and luxurious beddings. As expected from a world renowned 5 star hotel. He took a seat on the bed.

"you look good for your age."

"thank you!"

"a nice guy like you dosent deserve to be lonely. Let me fix that." I said with as smirk.

He smiled with a big, horny grin.

It was time to get down to business.

"So" I said, "What would you like me to do, Mr Alex, or shall i just call you Alex?"

"I am lonely. And i just need some company. Will you be able to give me that?"

"Why sure! That is my job is it not?"

"Good. Now come here." Alex said, as he patted the bed beside him. "Let me have a closer look at you."

I made my way and sat by him.

"you are a gorgeous man. I knew i did not make the wrong choice! you have a nice bone structure! And a pleasant face! If i did not know you any better i'd assume you to be just a regular straight man!" Alex commented, as his hands made my way on my body and genitals.

It's standard operating procedure. And yes for the record, I am straight. Just that i dont mind this being done to me.

"Oh!" And he exclaimed. "An asian-sized package!! I love medium dicks, I hate huge ones. They tend to hurt."

"Glad that you liked it. I'm yours for tonight" I said, with a satisfied smile. Again, standard operating procedure.

His hands started to tremble in excitement. They were cold as they undid my jeans. He pulled them down, revealing my genitals. The profile sheet said that Alex preferred guys who do not wear underwear.

"Such beauty!!" He exclaimed, as he proceeded to examine my cock and balls. I had trimmed my pubic hair beforehand. It is important to keep the goods neat. "How exquisite!! it's clean and neat! And its circumcised!! so clean!" And with that, my pants came off.

I was told to circumcise when i decided to do this. It was for cleanliness and safety purposes. In case of infections.

He started to rub my torso and proceeded to pull off my tee. I was stark naked now -- the goods he wanted was on display. Strangely, he showed little interest on my body. He excitedly stripped naked himself, and proceeded to suck my cock. He was quite bad in technique and although i did got hard, i did not felt stimulated.

He stopped sucking me and asked if i was ready to enter him. I reached out to my jeans on the bedside and procured a condom. He watched excitedly as i tore off the wrapper and stretched it over my erect penis. I looked at him and signaled that i was ready. He got on top of me quickly, slowly planting my erect penis into his anus. His anus was quite loose as it went in quickly. I could not feel his anus hugging my penis as a normal ass would. I was pretty sure he would have been using an anal plug or a dildo on a regular basis.

He rode my hard cock for a good 30 minutes and since it was barely stimulating, i was not aroused but i acted as if i was. I played with his dick, jerking it as he bounced up and down on mine. It was not long before he ejaculated and decided that he had enough.

"I could really feel your dick inside of me. It felt great!"

"I loved your ass too..it was so tight!" Lying, is, again, part of the standard operating procedure.

Alex went to the bathroom and cleaned up the cum, while i removed the condom from my dick. I took out a pack of wet wipes from my jeans pocket, and wiped off his filthy, smelly cum. God knows what kind of disease he might have if he was a regular. He came out a short while later.

"Shall we cuddle?"

"yeah, sure"

"Might as well finish up the rest of my 2 hours with you"

He laid beside me, naked, with his right hand over my shoulder, and his left hand on my chest.

"You look like a fine young man. and i do love your company. You are different from the others. You dont have to do this all the time. I'll buy you out. I just broke up with my boyfriend after he cheated on me."

So many men had said this to me before. But really, i dont have feelings for me. I only have feelings for her in my entire life.

"I could, but that would be limiting myself. Plus, i have no feelings towards men. I've seen too many men who have cheated on their partners, using me. No matter what, i will always be a whore. Its a reality that i have accepted, that i will never be clean."

I gave him a matter-of-factly stare. His expression froze. A tear fell from his eye.

"please, you dont have to do this anymore. I want to take care of you! I want to protect you! I dont mind your background and past! I want you to be happy! please be with me!" He begged with a pitiful voice. He gave me a hug. I allowed him to. I pitied him. I could feel his loneliness and desperation.

But sadly, the time was up.

"I'm sorry, time's up."

He stood up and reached for his wallet. He pulled a wad of bills.

"I hope this will keep you off work for a while."

I took the bills with a smile. I counted them and it was around $500.

"thank you. but you really dont have to"

"I want you to have it. It's the least i can do...to help you."

I took the cash and stuffed it to my jeans which i slipped on. I also wore my shirt, and made my way of the hotel room.

"Bye"

"Bye!! I'll call you again if i am near!"

I walked out of the door, and popped in some Chiclets. I made my way home back into my apartment 3 blocks away. I felt the money in my pocket. It was the only way where i could support myself and afford things for her even though we are just friends now.

dark clouds

time for a deep post. too many shallow/simple posts dont reflect this blog well. hehe.

Depression is not about feeling emo or sad or down. Its something more. well i am not even sure if what this is, is depression or something else.

Sometimes dark clouds suddenly appear in my mental scape, but it is still possible to intensify the sunlight and let the day to appear normal, but the clouds are still there. You see, it is possible to get over that feeling of dread and still continue functioning like normal by willpower, but it will start to affect judgement and also the way you see things.

Everything seems fine and dandy, you can conquer the world but somehow or rather you feel that something is coming up.

Meetings with friends feel great and normal, but somehow or rather their presence fades in your mind even though they are talking to you.

You chat with friends but you cant seem to feel them being there anymore. You feel that whatever they say seem to be just words. You cant feel anything anymore.

Time seemed to have stood still even the numbers in the clock and calendar keeps changing.

Its allright it feels, for the numbers to run but not do anything. No need to arrange. cant move even if i want to.

You try to lift a hand but nothing happens. You start to lose control as everything around starts fading and you feel empty in a room. Time and space melts completely.

Before you know it you did something stupid to hurt your friends, and there is no way you can control what you are doing or thinking. You can only see this person in your body doing the things you should be doing and making terrible mistakes.

When the mistakes are done, he gives you your body back and it hurts to know what happened. He tells you he hurts your friends on purpose to hurt you and crack you. The mental pain becomes unbearable. He tells you that you should be dead, because as long as you're alive people around you will be hurt.

You start cleaning up the mess, but it can sometimes be too late. And the mental pain is almost mind numbing. You start to take control again, but everything is still a blur as if your head is submerged below water.You still feel numb and woozy like 2 hours after some surgery.

And its been happening for so long that you really gave up all hopes of it being better. And you start to consider what he tells you, that you should die by overdosing on something..

thats whats been happening in my mind. It is tiring....

The Goddess called.

"It's not your first time going through this. By now you should be used to it. You've been through this so many times. It is time you develop a coping mechanism. Your friends should know about this by now and if they dont...well...you decide if they are worth being a friend. No matter what, just clean up the mess and repair what needs to be repaired and move on. Next time you decide to allow it to take over you, just be reminded of this."

oh well. she's right. Now im just picking up the pieces.

kumachan and grindr

kumachan was showing off that his phone can function as a wifi access point and told fox to connect:

fox: okay lemme see how much bandwidth my friend finding app takes. *opens iphone*

kumachan: what friend finding app? see?

*fox opens grindr* fox: this

*grindr opens and also shows alot of topless guys O_O"

kumachan: why all guys? where are the girls? girls!!

fox: er, because the girls havent registered yet?

kumachan: sure alot of creepy desperados wan once you put girl picture

fox: er..yah maybe :P

And you know, he's actually right about the creepy desperados part. nyahahhaa

I'm still kind of amused that he is really, really that blur. Despite the very obvious part that its for gay guys, he still thinks its for finding girls.

35, single and clueless. Nothing can seriously be more adorable :P

One of the things that makes the fox's job in the office a bit more bearable sometimes hehe

If superheroes were gay

Nothing can be as gay as this comic...not even if all the gay bloggers went to the same party....

forsaken

Here's a lil fanfic from me that i just thought of:

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"where are we heading to?"

I asked Remy, my boyfriend of 5 years, while prodding his ribs.

"oh well you'll know" He said, nonchalantly.

It was our 5th anniversary together. He said he wanted to take me somewhere special to celebrate. I even took a day off from my precious annual leaves for this.

The car went past many buildings, before it finally came to a stop at a shoplot in a sprawling urban area.

"we're here babe, get off the car"

And i did.

He went ahead of me and he was greeted by a few rough-looking men. They were chinese. Quite well built. I did not have a good feeling in my gut about this, but i told myself to trust Remy. However, Remy's been looking listless since this morning.

The few rough looking men turned around to look at me. They had a creepy smile. Remy turned around and signalled me to come over.

"go in. past that door" he said, gesturing to a door framed by a dirty-looking alley.

I went in. My guts told me to run, but my heart told me to do this for Remy. Perhaps it was something special...

As soon as i entered, the 3 rough looking men and Remy entered. Remy had tears in his eyes. the 3 men approached me. I panicked.

"Remy, whats going on?! why what?"

"I'm sorry baby" he apologized between sobs.

1 man grabbed my arms. The other my legs. As the third man started to pull down my pants. My shirt was undone and i was naked.

"what is the meaning of this....you're supposed to protect me!!" I shouted in disbelief.

"Baby...i hate to do this..i dont have a choice....its the only way i could get out of debt"

My mind went into a state of shock, then betrayal. Remy was a well-to-do businessman, running a consultant agency. He would always be decked in LVs and Hermes items. His bag would at least have to be Dior. He'd make sure i'd be in at least a CK tee, especially when we go out. The word debt..never crossed my mind...

my genitals were now exposed to the 3rd man. I felt so vunerable and humiliated. He fingered my tight butt.

"Tight! he is indeed exotic meat!!" he exclaimed to his friends

"its about time we have a taste of dainty swans!"

I could guess what was about to happen. Remy sat in the corner, covering his face. with tears flowing down his eyes. I struggled to break free but the men held me down firmly. I shouted and screamed.

the 3rd guy undid his pants to reveal a huge, hard cock with a huge head. I had never bottomed before as it was very tight below. Remy was always the bottom. he played a bit with my cock. It got hard because i was very shocked. My world was crumbling and i will be violated against my will....

"haha see he likes this! he's so hard now!"

"NO IM NOT PLEASE LET ME GO...I DONT DO THIS!"

*slap*

a tight slap landed across my face. it hurted. I just did not want to resist anymore....it was the most painful form of betrayal anyone could ever encounter....my face went numb.

"shut the fuck up. who asked him to owe us money. Blame him for this!"

The 3rd guy entered me hard and roughly. The pain was incredible. I felt a burn running up my anus, scraping my insides. I let out a scream of pain. I lost my sense of control and just screamed. As he entered me i lost all energy to the pain....and other two guys started to undo their pants and took turns placing their penises into my gaping mouth, stifling the scream.

I could feel intense pain, the pain of my nether regions being violated with every thrust. And my throat was gagging with the huge cocks. I choked. the pain. of both the betrayal and the rape numbed my mind. I just didint resist anymore and allowed them to do whatever they please. This body isnt mine. nobody wants me anyway.

I just didint know what to do anymore. i felt like a dead body. It was all dark. Good. I did not feel anything anymore.

As i hear Remy's sobbing being faded away by the laughter and taunts of my rapists...i knew i was the forsaken...denied by God for being gay...i am nothing but a shameless whore, a piece of rag, to be used by others this way. I dont deserve to be with Him....

5 things to not do when knowing someone from a gay dating site

If you're new to fridae/axcest/grindr here are a couple of things you shouldnt do, especially on the first few initial messages:

1) Ask for pictures, even when there is already one on the profile.
Pictures in profiles are actually for courtesy purposes. It gives you an idea of how the guy looks like. Dont demand for more pictures when it's the first few messages. It's very disrespectful and it shows how shallow and stupid you are to care about the looks more than the personality. Especially when you ask for topless/naked pictures. Unless you're choosing someone for a free sex session, which is better and more professionally performed when paid.

2) Ask for/give out phone numbers.
Dont demand for the phone number of the other guy on the 2nd or third message exchange. It's rude and it shows how cheap you are. It also makes the other guy think you are some kind of stalker. Also, be prepared to get calls in the morning from the other guy if you pass him your number without checking him out first. Or even worse, Lady Gaga's paparazzi theme song playing on the other end while you see a shadow outside the window, with the phone and a radio.

3) Ask questions incessantly.

Okay, please dont and never ask questions one after another. It is better to start the conversation by asking about something regarding the guy's profile, except for are you t or b?. Also if they dont respond, dont send another question as that can be annoying as hell. And especially, dont go "u there? hello? can respond?" within the next 5 minutes. Dont start asking things like what do you like to do in bed, how long is your dick, how many exes you have and what is your mother's maiden name. It just shows lack of grey matter. If you want to, do it in a more eloquent way like "My dick is 7", how long is yours? i wonder what is the average size..." If the guy dosent reply after the 2nd or 3rd message, it means he is not interested and you should move on. Dont keep messaging him. You're creeping him out.

4) Start the first few messages with one liners, or worse, one word.

Please dont message people with "hi", "hi hi," "wat u doing" "what u looking for" "fun?" or shit like that, unless you are really looking for a hookup and you dont care what that guy thinks of you. Again, the reply could be "hi" and then "hi" again, being in a neverending loop. Instead, start with "i found your profile erotic/interesting/what i am looking for so yes can we be friends/lovers/sex partners?" At least, you'd look more intelligent and sophisticated that way.

5) Beg for meetups.

One of the worst things to do is to beg the other guy to meet up with you after the first few message exchanges. Dont keep going incessantly on and on to meet up with someone. Always chat first, then phone, before the meetup to avoid disappointments. Also it is disrespectful to other people's schedule and time. And it is also very stalkerish in nature. Next thing you know you'll be googling his address and getting the cloroform...

disclaimer: I'm talking about this because its some of the few mistakes i have made and ive decided to share it. And yes its just my opinion so if you dont like it leave a comment or just dont read it. Unread the words by sticking your pretty lil head onto the monitor. If you like it, leave a comment and keep reading :p