The Bear Hunter's guide

Since my tastes have changed from muscled hunks to bears, i need this guide. And since there are so many bear lovers out there, i thought this would be useful. So which kind of bear are you? I'm the bear chaser :p

Muscle fetish?

Looking at the PLU world, most people tend to go for muscles, and most gay men tend to work for more muscles. Personally i have a muscle fetish myself because muscles send a subconscious message that this guy does really take care of his body, and if he can do that he can take care of me as well, but nowadays i dont really see the need for muscles, if i do enjoy the guy's company, and if he allows me to enjoy his body as well (as long as he dosent have any warts at his groin when the undies come off, but thats another story, from experience) because i guess i've grown up (and after seeing some muscled guys with a personality that really turned me off, i realize no point hankering exclusively for one). I know a bunch of muscled guys, but with really bad personalities. They're snobby, insecure and have an inflated opinion of themselves. They dont really look at personality but at body and the $$. They'd probably say something bitchy about everyone they know, and if you're a friend that dosent have at least C cup man tits, they'll tell you how ugly you are and how not their type you are. Worst of all, they will distance themselves from you as when it comes to meaningful conversations, they have nothing much to impart from their not so full heads. So I was thinking if it is a fair exchange to put up with someone with a stinky personality JUST to indulge in my fetish?! dosent make sense right? So this is what i really think about my really dumb muscle fetish:

The thing is, i do go to the gym but to strengthen up this weak body. I do get sick very often, and my body is weak even when im supposed to be at the prime of my life. Muscles are just an indication in my case and not to rake guys in. Why? Because i dont want to spend so much time and effort building up something that would probably fade completely in 3-4 years if i ever do stop gym (and gym is an expensive commitment) and its more or less a waste of money. Some guys go all the way with protein shakes and stuffs, which will double the amount of their gym fees only to end up out of shape and fat when they start getting lazy to go to the gym (at least the shape is still there. bears. yum!) but at the end, isnt all those efforts wasted? And increased risk of heart attacks and other weird and not so wonderful health problems? (due to the protein and eggs intake?) Is it worth to go through all those just to develop a tool to attract more guys in?

Okay, so if we start now to build up muscles, when are we gonna be lean and toned? 40? and then bait unsuspecting desperate young boys fresh out of the closet with sex, who can never experience the bodies of young, snobby muscled bimbos who only lust after other muscled bimbos due to their looks or bodyshape? Because at that age our personalities are way too repulsive and even our closest friends part ways because they cant put up with all the fake divaness due to our lack of self worth? I have meet many uncles with ok and not so ok bodies, but with a personalty so horrid that people would stay miles away from and whomever they date would not even answer their calls after that. So they end up fishing for desperate young boys at gay dating sites, and have their way with them...while living in their own, lonely and sad apartment, shagging different boys almost every day and getting a disease or two in between...

A friend told me not too long ago, that guys usually go for those muscled and rich guys. Well reality check: most of these boys are straight! there are tons of them at the gym, and the gay ones are usually bi, usually young and just fresh out of SPM and whose dad happens to be the manager of x company, and wont hesitate to cheat on you or treat you like dirt! But of course like with everything else there are exceptions, where there are muscled guys with nice, down to earth personalities as well who dont mind giving guys who are not their type friendship. Well isnt that too naive and stupid? I mean i would love to embrace a bear in his 30s, who lives in a posh apartment in Kiara or Damansara, with a 5-figure job and with amazing cooking skills. I'd give him everything! But then again, we cant have everything right? And even if i did, its not that different than being a gigolo if i cant bring myself to like him after all his muscles droop, and him losing his house and job. If you want a rich and muscular guy, do have a reality check first: are you a girl? no. Do you think he'll find you worth his attention? No. Do you have what he likes in a man? Most probably not, especially if you're a stuck-up snobby, selfish, insecure and insensitive diva, even with your muscles, especially if you dont even want to make friends with people who are not muscular...you might wanna be friends with them to train your personality first...he he he

I guess all im saying is that muscles, although nice isnt really everything. Sometimes its just a cover for insecurities. If that guy happens to have a good personality AND muscles, its a bonus. But such people are rare. Perhaps i could be one, where personality comes first and muscles second to kind of show people that it is possible to be PLU, spiritual and good looking at the same time. The other is that, if you have Donnie Yen's body but a personality like a spastic 13 year old child, or even worse the fake Paris Hilton diva, PLU version, nobody's gonna like you except a) Horny (and probably diseased) ONS guys and b) people who want to take advantage of you. Not really targeting anyone in particular but just some food for thought.

to make it even more simple for some of you (or us) imagine a guy with the body of a pornstar, an 8" cut dick, who loves to treat you to dinners at high class restaurants, works as a senior consultant at some MNC and earning 5 figures every month, knows your heart so well inside out BUT loves fisting. And you only found out about this 6 months after you move in with him. And his bed has hidden straps on the sides while he tries it out on you. And you're a top. And he says that you're his boyfriend and therefore obliged to help him indulge in his fisting fetish, in exhange for everything else he gives...

would you like a guy solely for his body? even tho he treats you like the shit stuck on his car's tyre? do comment :P

people who long love lust people who give

Sometimes i wonder if having a partner is really necessary. As much as i want one, nobody i met can satisfy me emotionally or intellectually. by a mile. so it's kinda hard to settle for second best that way. I hate being "too complex" from people that i meet often. Maybe its the case of the smartass chick in the nest, who thinks he's better than the rest....but to be honest at this moment i have no idea anymore.

Recently ive been hitting craiglist for those m4m meetups (more interesting than fridae or gayromeo or anything like that) met a guy who kept giving excuses to meet up although he seems to be keen for it. So far hes able to carry out nice conversations, agrees to meetups only to give excuses on the last minute. I think im through with him and the like. no more craiglist for me!

Which sets me wondering: is sexual pleasure and a relationship that important than so many things that could be done in the meantime? the heat is hard to take, i admit but will having someone by my side to cheer me up when im down, pull me back up when i fall and give me a blowjob or two when i need it (and of course i dont mind doing the same for that person) help me become a better, more efficient person? If its a yes, yeah i dont mind going for it but what if this person drags me down? Im already not that efficient myself so what happens when this person starts to suck up my soul? There is a possibility, albeit not that dramatic...

part of me craves for someone to hold me, yet part of me is scared that things would take a turn for the worse.

I've seen so many happy couples, gay and straight alike and i'd lie if i said i never wished to be like them. I just wish that i had someone to hug, to trust me enough to be comfortable with me reaching their most private areas, both physically and emotionally but of course, its not as simple as it seems and there is a lot of things to consider (i.e willingness from my side and from their side) and tons more like logistics, and how to adapt to taking care someone and allowing that person to take care of me etc. Personally i dont like to be taken care of...

Then again on the other side, i found a spiritual guide that fulfils me completely on a spiritual level and i know, and i can feel, that it is far more important than physical or emotional needs, but yet im still here searching for temporary fulfillments.

But that's me at the moment. And i do not want to pretend to be something i am not anymore. it hurts more people than i know. Especially the guide who cares for me even more than my own parents ever will. And on that aspect, its hard to get another partner who can fulfill me in that way. But on physical aspects and also on a friendship -company level, it is still possible.

I know im supposed to care about others w/o any agenda and thats the key to real, true happiness but i guess, im too weak and too swayed by my more shallow needs...

but really, i guess at this moment, i just need someone to care for and to care about me, just again. I had the best person in the world and i lost her. and right now, i dont care if a man can replace that. its just that...im scared of this empty feeling again. It makes me wanna just hug something and if i did all of these feelings will go away and things will be normal again..it did when i was younger (but got me into more shit later in life) and yeah...im just so tired at this moment of going on..

i dread tommorow. i dread work. i just want to be alone at home until i feel okay again. but its not gonna happen. i just wanna be alone in my world. i dont wanna work but i have to at least for now...oh well, i should really learn how to grow up.

reminder to self: eat prunes for a smooth ride tomorrow

okay on a serious note, what do you guys (or gals, tho i doubt theres any reading this) actually look for when you choose a partner? would you choose a deep thinking one or a very doh but happy person? Would you consider a bi guy as your partner (hes more into guys and he wont stray)? just wondering, really.l

friends

I had few of these. but the few that i have i hold very dear to my heart.

But these are not easy to come by, like a pearl from an oyster by chance, or meeting a celebrity.

I used to expect everyone to understand and sympathize with what i went through and to make it easier for me, forgive my social mistakes and other blunders and i stopped after i realize it was unrealistic.

Perhaps, the most painful part of the whole mixing with people experience is when 'friends' that i talked about my hearts contents with suddenly decide to dump me and 'move on' when its just an excuse to hide from themselves.

It was my mistake for pushing their buttons, for touching on their fear and parts of them that they never could face, breaking through the exterior that they want everyone to believe.

Like a complex melody or an impressionist painting, i impart myself to everyone in the world as i am, like a classical perfume whispering her secrets of faraway lands through flowers and woods, or an exotic cuisine nourishing the eater with its multifaceted flavors. There is no secret and i am what i appear as. Like rain, everyone is free to touch me and feel my drizzle.

Alas, like a statue i stand, waiting for the one that will make me dance again.

I was quite busy these few days and was wondering what to write when i thought of all my friends and how they have been nice to me and i realize hey life isnt too bad after all. It's still sweet tinged with shades of melancholic colors and why not let people see it? It would be interesting, after all to see how i will be judged.

regurgitation

I was reading a blog and one of the posts trigged a long comment which i left there, and then i realize that it was worthy to be expanded to a full length post:

Sakuran (confusion): about a high class courtesan (oiran) who breaks out of her bubble, even if she went through lots of heartbreak and backstabbing and with the tenacity and will of iron, she managed to become the best amongst all of them.. even though cursed to not find true love due to her profession...but at long last the film ends with a man who loved her as a person, who paid for her releasal fees and she found true love at last..I find that this trailer and music suits this post today.

I wish i was paid by the guys that i had sex with before but sadly my looks were not good, and also because the guys i met were at the bottom of the barrel: stingy uncles who just wanted to hunt for guys desperate enough to have sex with them, for free. I am not even worth rm100, not even a new pair of shoes, not even a shirt, not even a hotel room. just some cheap lunch. and that only happened once of all the guys i met, and that also when the guy was stoned from his chem use. i was never offered anything at all to suck dicks or be sucked.

i guess im not as morally perfect as most people around as i dont mind selling myself at this point of time, after all "it" has already been done against my wishes, there's no value anymore. Because if i place any it will hurt uncontrollably. so i'd rather separate sex and love, mow down my emotions and destroy any feeling of self worth i might have. Some may argue this may not be the way to live life but at least for me it numbs the pain and gives me an explanation on why gay guys would rather ignore me than be a friend. There was once i felt i had self worth but at the end its just what i think. So no more pink elephants.

But i am jealous of people who have those, and i do admire them at the same time for being able to cope with so much at such an age and having what i never had: beauty and the strength, as well as dignity. Most of the time, when i see myself from the 'gay value' aspect i feel as though i am cursed to not to trust humans...especially another man. So i'd see myself differently. a butch bisexual trapped in a man's body. It may not be the "truth" but it does help ease the pain.

i always admire people who are strong and i often fall as a sucker for people who even put up the front that they are (and eventually i find out they're not). Goddess said its because im not as strong as them, which is why i desire to have them or be like them, and that people often desire what they dont have. people with strong wills make me feel like i should get close to them to learn from them. But strangely and very often they often run from me, or that i just dont interest them.

Life is "tough" if we keep resting in our comfort zones and think thats the place we should be, but the more shitty people i meet the more i feel happy because i manage to deal with them without turning into one of those cruel, bitter and viscious people who end up ruining everyone's day...i'd rather be the light, smile, crack jokes even tho 20 people a day approach me for PC problems (yeah i work as IT support) make conversations because i force myself to even tho i'd rather be quiet and finish my job because i hate talking. I am not a social person but i force myself to talk, to socialize so that i can be of use to people and future employers. I want to be someone useful and valuable and not just cheap dirt.

I have to battle through lazy colleagues who dont hesitate to backstab me. colleagues who wont hesitate to pile on work on my back even though i have been extremely busy, and i am talking about work that they could have done within 1 minute but choose not to to exercise their superiority, and when they use a lazy and shitty way of doing things, or not do something i have to face the people whose work was disrupted because of them... but its cool as its just more training fodder for the me thats going to be someone that none of the can ever be or achieve.

thats...how i get through my day as i look forward to more friends and achievements. after all life's a game. we need to get all the achievements in front of us.

I'm going to be the light that will shine through everyone because i can, and i am. People in office now turn to me for help because my colleagues just wont. People are happy to see me and i brighten their days. i greet them with a smile, a joke and my sincerity in helping them solve their problems and they know they can count on me. It's not as easy as it seems (i get swamped with requests), but at least i can light up people's days....

i'll make life bloom, and i will lighten up everyone's lives.

Present Day

So yes this is my story since as much as i can remember since the beginning. Why would i refer to myself as little fox? it's because im giving a name to someone who used to be me. I'm a different person now and although these experiences have made me what i am today but i am not attached to them or are bitter over what happened (im still feeling the effects of some) and im no longer the person who indulges in self pity like the past. The person that was Little Fox was "killed" by the SG who exposed him and showed him that this is not the way to live: lying and creating larger than life impressions to impress others (as what R, Little Fox's best friend would do which found him a lot of friends) and that there is something more to just working a 9-5 job and pursuing relationships etc. Now i am on a lifetime journey on fixing my trust towards people. Sad to say that due to the incidents, my brain and heart has been wired not to trust people or really open up to them. This has been noticed by many people in the spiritual organization (in fact, they were the only ones who cared enough to that extent to actually notice, even tho they eventually had nasty intentions because they cant "win" my trust) and to date i am still finding ways to "patch" up that part.

Child sexual abuse scars you. It causes a permanent damage in your mind and makes it assume that everyone is evil. And sad to say this impression can never be changed, but it can be diluted and covered with layers of emotions and logic. It is an incredibly painful way to live life by, because that incident will stamp it in your soul that your body never belonged to you (thus the lack of control on that "incident") and that impression will be hard, if not impossible to erase. You would just feel that once you die the nightmare will end and this body is just a temporary placement, your real body is somewhere else in heaven or something. In Little Fox's world, there are only people he can take advantage of and people who would hurt him. (it's animal like isnt it? thats why i called him a FOX!) No friends existed for him (and eventually even this the SG shattered, enabling me to function as a normal human being, now i recognize friends and understand more about them) but i am glad i have learned how to accept, trust and appreciate friends in a way. Depression attacks are as regular as a menstrual cycle as the attacker may have damaged my genitals (they were underdeveloped and slightly affecting my puberty) due to hormonal imbalance but thats being corrected now.

There were many times i wanted to just get wasted on drugs or just end it all with some poison but luckily thanks to the SG i know its not worth it. As far as friends go, I am a very analytical person (you have to be, because you wanna know if that person would hurt you or not...) and my friendbase is getting bigger by the minute as i learn to not be too honest about others as time passes. Therefore i know i am a different person now because my approach to things are now different.

As far as the spiritual organization goes, i am still part of it, but a very small part. Im not resentful towards them but i am still afraid if they're going to try anything funny in the event that i attempt to rejoin them for fulltime work. My parents are very against it. Everyone has adviced me not to but some of the more caring/zealous/im not sure anymore students have urged me to go back saying that everyone will be running out of chances soon. And the SG is quite accurate in these kind of "predictions" because he really and truly cares about his students even those who have ran away. Problem is, the whole concept of a spritual guide is built upon how much the student trusts the teacher and carry out all his instructions without fail and as you know, i have trust issues so he will find out eventually, and if not i will fall into a loop of self sabotage and cause me to fail whatever he tells me to do, wasting his time and mine, as well as everyone elses'. I am in the midst of fixing my faults so that the problems wont crop up again.

As far as my parents go, im cool with them as i learn to accept them for who they are. They have already forgotten about my "gay" incident and im not seeking any more sexual encounters behind their backs (of course!) because i know how much it will hurt them, and also because most of the guys i find online are crap thats at the bottom, bottom of the barrel. From now on its going to have to be a decent guy whom i can be friends with and who will do it with me exclusively (to minimize disease) so since this kind of guy wont exist might as well not do it haha. Im more interested in girls for dating to be honest (yes i love pussy too!)

So yep, this is whats happening at the present :) not much more about the past!

Blast from the past

Its quite odd that i manage to add Ruben, the ex best friend who hated me after that "incident" which he refused to acknowledge that he is hating me into MSN again.

Every attempt at conversation will reveal his bitter side towards me. His cold and uncaring tone differs significantly from what he used to be. He's now just a sad, cold and bitter shadow of his former cheerful and wise self. Or perhaps he knows his tricks and PR stunts no longer work on me (he will ALWAYS try to appear as the good guy, the stronger and more superior guy even tho he's not, and when shit happens and it turns out he's not, he just changes that set of friends) so he'd rather fend me off than to make amends. He maintains this belief that people will not change or improve but he's wrong because i am proof of that. He's also proof that people will change: from a warm, caring and friendly person to a cold and bitter one.

This was my last conversation with him:

Me: hey

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: sup

Me: lots lol

Me: but its all good

Me: what abt u

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: exciting

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: going to japan tonight

Me: that sure is exciting

Me: remember to get vibrators

Me: lol

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: vibrators? for what?

Me: the japs are famous for that lol

Me: very, very famous

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: well i have no use for those

Me: your female friends may need

Me: haha

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: speechless [eh, hello, need to be speechless at a harmless joke?]

Me: aiyo its just a joke la

Me: so long no c u so serious ed

Me: i mean so long no talk to you so serious already

Me: loosen up a little :P

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: so long no c u, u are still an awkward person

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: glad to know that things dont change [i used to be a loooot more socially awkward that what i appear to be now, Lady Gaga has shown me ITS OK TO BE AWKWARD! THEY STILL LOVE YOU IF YOU STILL ARE! I had few friends in the past due to this, but not anymore so why is he bringing it up? surely, he's still very bitter against me]

Me: is it up to you to say? no i dont think so anymore

Me: you're stuck at an afterimage of me

Me: glad to know that you're still closed and bitter

Me: go on with life as a bitter person, im sure you will find happiness that way

Me: well you started it

Me: if you're not bitter, you wouldnt be adding glad that things dont change

Me: :) so loosen up, its for your own happiness

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: have a nice day [At this point he went offline. This is the phrase he used in the past right before blocking me in MSN. The amount of hypocrisy is amazing huh. i realized no point and deleted his contact]

So there we have it. People do get worse over time instead of improving once they close their hearts towards things. I do feel guilty for turning him into this but then i realize he can just as easily choose not to see things that way, see things as it really is and stop trying to look good just for once and be honest so that things can repair themselves, so nah, not guilty because this is what he chose to be. In any case, if any of you do meet him and want to have some fun, do look through his perfect image and you'll see nothing but an insecure and bitter young man trying to be what he's not by pretending to be what he is not.

sad, sad, sad case, really.