slighty away

hey folks, sorry for the lack of updates. am in the middle of a big change in my life and this could really take a while to complete. I'll update this blog by then. Because there are a few more important things beyond writing about my gay life (which has been suspended since, and im living life just like anyone else) so there will be a hiatus of sorts. Do stay tuned and dont delete me off your blogroll just yet!!

the big thing about love

I have been thinking a lot about this topic for the past few days/weeks/months/forever and i realize that sometimes, love is not that all worth it at the end.

you take the effort and time to get to know someone, to learn that person as a person, and you have to open up to allow that person to learn about you (if it is one sided, you're just playing around. seriously dont ever do that. it is cruel to the other guy especially if he has opened himself up to you) and then accept and embrace the other person for all he/she/it is. And then do it mutually. It is a tiring process but if we've been only thinking about ourselves all along, this is a very rewarding process because for once we focus on someone else. That feeling itself is a nice thing because for once you dont have to just solve only your own problems, for once you can let someone in your heart and have less of me in there.

But how many people around have true love? Many people just exploit the fact that most people fall easily with chemistry (which can be easily stimulated with the right words and body language) and they dont care what entails. Or the worst ones are those who seduce, date and sweet talk people into opening up and then they themselves dont open up (i have experience with a few of those already) and when they're done, they just cut off all communications and pretended that nothing ever happened and leave the other guy to lick his own wounds. As if other people have no feelings and only they have. It's also these very same people who would end up alone because their trickery will reach its limit...and having no one there to open up to and having to face everything alone will reach its limit and when it does, they end up being old, alone, bitter and unhappy. Ironically, they are doing this because they feel alone and lonely and they want to try to remove it by 'dating' someone, but what they are doing will just increase what they are running away from. They will try to surround themselves with designer goods, or go to the gym everyday and get a muscled body, or friends, but they wont really be happy because it is just an escape...not the remedy. i feel very sad for these people, really. The only cure is just to open up and think of the feelings of others with every action.

Sometimes, the ulterior motive is very clear and obvious. In some couples, one half is obviously exploiting the willing half for money/lodging/emotional support and it is very disgusting for me to bear witness to such heinous and disgusting relationships. There's no such thing as a free lunch and whatever you take from others, you will need to repay sooner or later. I had plenty of opportunity to engage in such relationships but i refuse to because i know what it is going to end up to be at the end. When people give you something, they want something back from you and you have to give it...sometimes it could be more than you can give, and that is very scary. Guys who usually seek such relationships will also end up like what i talked about in the previous paragraph...

Problem is even if you're sincere there is no way to tell if the other guy is sincere. And it might be a very long time before you can encounter someone like that. But at least you can check if the other guy is sincere and it is quite easy. Chemistry is fun and engaging but what is important is what happens AFTER that. What is wrong with being sincere and opening up to someone that you know can accept you for who you are? The ugliness, beauty, nastiness, tantrums, humor, kindness and all?

I would like to fall in love, but not use people or exploit them even though i am capable of. And i will avoid people who bear red flags for all of these. Perhaps it is better this way and i can focus on more important things in life such as spirituality :)