dimanche 26 août 2012

A not so fun flashback

It's 5.30am and I have not sleep yet. Unfortunate choice of coffee made me stay up the whole night...the restaurant I went to earlier was probably using some pretty strong coffee blend. Ordinary blends cant keep me up, but this one seems to do that and upset my stomach at the same time. In any case, this post is just to record a lil milestone I have with  myself.

The last sexual contact I had with someone I did not have connections with was 4 months ago. And I do not plan to do it with anyone else because I've managed to solve what I needed to solve in the first place -- my insecurity. i was pretty convinced that I was the most unwanted creature around and as such, should give myself freely to others....but I guess, after a confession by someone overseas...it made me think why should i hurt myself in this way anymore. You see, the last few encounters I had was anything but pleasant. I was in pain and he didint want to stop. It was literally, rape. But I brought it to myself...I thought that by going through this, my fear of sex and people would go away...that I should face my fears of having physical relations with a man...but it got addictive and it helped distract the unhappy things away from me. Now, it was different and I feel that I should not harm myself in that way anymore.  There was no need for that. Why should I harm myself when there are people who really care about me? Sadly, it did not work out with the overseas guy because....I am unable to commit myself to an unstable person. Not to mention that I was not ready and he was forcing his way in without giving me a chance to know him better. But it is okay..he is a nice person and shortly after the failure, he found a replacement for himself. Hope the best for him!

For the past few weeks, it has been the same nightmare that pops up during a random night. me getting raped over and over by my boyfriend...and when i begged him he just told me to shut up and its my duty to pleasure him. My insides hurt...my genitals hurt...it was horrible and it was unable to stop. It was a cold, piercing fear inside and brought back unhappy memories. I thought I've gotten past it...I've 'prepared' myself with all the sex i had with men and it should not bother me anymore. I'm the type that will keep poking on a wound until it stops hurting -- because i numbed myself to it. Obviously, the fear is real and still there. It did not work. Clearly, I am still afraid despite having done it hundreds of times, and I do not understand why....perhaps, all of them were bad experiences. The act was not out of love but self loathing.

I am afraid to be someone's partner. I do not want to be raped. I am afraid of the drama. I do not want to be destroyed mentally or physically. If i shatter now, I will not be able to piece myself again. I will not seek physical relations again...it only made things worse. For a while, I thought, to stop the sex addiction, it would be for me to find a partner. That way, I will not be hurt by people who dont care again and I will be grounded. I got obsessed and wanted it for a while based on that reasoning. But now I dont need it anymore because there are people who care about me..people who actually care and tell me the situations..people who nurture me patiently...people who is willing to take blames for me... and I cannot let them down. I will be strong for them and I will protect myself for them so that I do not end up being useless, broken junk like I was before. If someone cared for me and shows it consistently....I will do everything I can to protect them...help and nurture them...its just how I am.

i am in love with someone and he loves me too. He has been hurt so many times and I want to be protect him and heal him and nurture him... he does not want to commit at the moment. But we will take things slow, although sometimes the intense feeling of wanting to commit to someone who will not hurt me...is very strong...but i know i am not ready. If it happens now, it will fall apart. Both of us need time, but for now, withholding my feelings is painful. But I got to grow up. I will not hurt him or pressure him. He will come to me when he is ready. He is not the same person that appeared in my nightmare. I want to be with him...but in the future. Coz I want to learn to love, and to protect. And to heal. I'll do what I can now.

until then, I'll just be who I am. The sex is not me. I am not a slut. I am not someone obsessed with relationships. Those are my insecurities talking, and they are gone. It felt like a breakthrough of sorts. The love from my Spiritual Guide and all my colleagues from my spiritual home and also from him helped me push through. It felt like a new chapter in life. Everything is kinda different because I have a role...a place that I belong to. A place that I can fit in to. That was all I ever needed to be normal.

There's a legend that says that when a fox becomes ten times as wise and as mature as before, he will grow another tail to represent his experience. I feel like I will earn my 13th tail soon....hopefully. But now, it is just a stump, growing out with the others.