mardi 13 novembre 2012


Okay, something on FB kinda triggered this post. It's about disconnection. It's a problem that plagued me since i was a child. And nothing, i repeat, nothing, except, maybe, the illusion of having a partner, can hold me off this one. One delusion to neutralize another. Fantastic, isnt it?

Ori article: (read 1st before reading mine)

The symptoms when im disconnected is when:

-  i start seeing myself without a mirror, like how one would watch a drama on a tv sscreen, except that im both the actor and the audience. Im just a character and im just watching myself do what im supposed to do and the director is someone else, and i'll be watching from afar, with popcorn or chips. When I make a mistake, its not really me, its that character, so how can i be responsible?

- i lose track of time. in my brain, for example, it would still be last saturday and my brain would operate based on the fact that it is last saturday, when today is already wednesday. i hate this a lot and it messes up my ability to deliver work accurately. But it happens and yup, i have to deal with it..missed deadlines, opportunities, meetups, etc.

- antisocialness: I dont really see the need to talk to people and this is also the period where people report that i have 'negative' vibes or bad energy. But really, its really that i dont want to talk to them during that time, because i feel like i need to be isolated. Even if you're a close friend, this might 'happen' all the same. there will be an invisible but apparent barrier between me and people around me.

- Major depression. not a mystery, this one. Anyone can tell. But sometimes can be mistaken as self pity  when the brain is just stuck in a logic loop.

- Anger/frustration/fatigue/giving ups/suicidal thoughts - a result of the previous point. yes i do feel fed up when im in this state of mind and there's very little that can be done to quell it.

- The inability to decide. My decision making ability gets disabled, or rather, that part of my mind that decides things shuts down and i cant revive it. When this happens, i really need professional help as it might cause me to actualize my suicidal thoughts. Also the time where i'll make lots of wrong decisions, such as buying stuff i cant afford/dont need, talking to people in a bad way, etc.

- i forget things, such as forgetting to eat, forgetting things where they are placed, making mistakes in what i am doing, forget what i wanted to say, forgot why i went to the cabinet, etc etc, its like i can remember before and after, but not in between. FML. Can take hours or days before i can recall. Or I never recall.

- self loathing: i hate myself and therefore, i should die, and therefore, i should let other people do things i dont want to do on my body because i deserve it, therefore i deserve to be unhappy, etc etc etc.

- paranoia. xxx is against me. yyy is doing zzz and it will cause me to fail. i'm gonna fail and im gonna die (ties in with suicidal thoughts) i have no friends. i can trust no one.

- hearing voices or sometimes seeing characters, and nonstop surreal dreams to the point i cant tell which is real or not, its like having a radio stuck in your head the whole day because sometimes it can be songs from an unknown or known source playing in your head nonstop. Can be distracting at times. Sometimes its the phrase "but you're already dead", repeated throughout the day, week or month.

- the feeling that the earth is sinking/taking the wrong step/im drowning and needing to swim up/suffocation - the most 'exciting' side effect, usually happens during sleep

- the 'where am i, what am i' question. Sometimes in the middle of something i lose track of what i am doing and suddenly find myself doing that thing and i have no idea of what happened. also very tiring and draining to handle. I can read what i have written in the past and tell myself "but that's not me. why is he using my name and handle?"

When i get into one of these cycles, its almost impossible to get out of it, literally. It can take months for me to come out of one. Sometimes I visualize the spiritual guide, or sometimes i force myself to feel. Sometimes both methods fail, sometimes it works..either way, it is tiring having to deal with all of these.

kill me already, because its been 20+ years and i still have to deal with this.

I am not sick, just need at least, some of these symptoms to go down, and i'll be fine.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy
I'm tired of driving 'till I see stars in my eyes
I look up to hear myself saying,
Baby, too much I strive, I just ride

I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast
I am alone in the night
Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble, but I
I've got a war in my mind
I just ride
Just ride, I just ride, I just ride

I just want to fucking let everything go and ride with what i want.

But I cant because there will be people that i will hurt if i do so.

You don't want the truth the truth is boring
I've got this fever, need to
Leave the house
Leave the car
Leave the bad men where they are
I leave a few shells in my gun
N' stop me staring at the sun....

Just a shell through my brain to stop everything.