dimanche 30 mai 2010

people who long love lust people who give

Sometimes i wonder if having a partner is really necessary. As much as i want one, nobody i met can satisfy me emotionally or intellectually. by a mile. so it's kinda hard to settle for second best that way. I hate being "too complex" from people that i meet often. Maybe its the case of the smartass chick in the nest, who thinks he's better than the rest....but to be honest at this moment i have no idea anymore.

Recently ive been hitting craiglist for those m4m meetups (more interesting than fridae or gayromeo or anything like that) met a guy who kept giving excuses to meet up although he seems to be keen for it. So far hes able to carry out nice conversations, agrees to meetups only to give excuses on the last minute. I think im through with him and the like. no more craiglist for me!

Which sets me wondering: is sexual pleasure and a relationship that important than so many things that could be done in the meantime? the heat is hard to take, i admit but will having someone by my side to cheer me up when im down, pull me back up when i fall and give me a blowjob or two when i need it (and of course i dont mind doing the same for that person) help me become a better, more efficient person? If its a yes, yeah i dont mind going for it but what if this person drags me down? Im already not that efficient myself so what happens when this person starts to suck up my soul? There is a possibility, albeit not that dramatic...

part of me craves for someone to hold me, yet part of me is scared that things would take a turn for the worse.

I've seen so many happy couples, gay and straight alike and i'd lie if i said i never wished to be like them. I just wish that i had someone to hug, to trust me enough to be comfortable with me reaching their most private areas, both physically and emotionally but of course, its not as simple as it seems and there is a lot of things to consider (i.e willingness from my side and from their side) and tons more like logistics, and how to adapt to taking care someone and allowing that person to take care of me etc. Personally i dont like to be taken care of...

Then again on the other side, i found a spiritual guide that fulfils me completely on a spiritual level and i know, and i can feel, that it is far more important than physical or emotional needs, but yet im still here searching for temporary fulfillments.

But that's me at the moment. And i do not want to pretend to be something i am not anymore. it hurts more people than i know. Especially the guide who cares for me even more than my own parents ever will. And on that aspect, its hard to get another partner who can fulfill me in that way. But on physical aspects and also on a friendship -company level, it is still possible.

I know im supposed to care about others w/o any agenda and thats the key to real, true happiness but i guess, im too weak and too swayed by my more shallow needs...

but really, i guess at this moment, i just need someone to care for and to care about me, just again. I had the best person in the world and i lost her. and right now, i dont care if a man can replace that. its just that...im scared of this empty feeling again. It makes me wanna just hug something and if i did all of these feelings will go away and things will be normal again..it did when i was younger (but got me into more shit later in life) and yeah...im just so tired at this moment of going on..

i dread tommorow. i dread work. i just want to be alone at home until i feel okay again. but its not gonna happen. i just wanna be alone in my world. i dont wanna work but i have to at least for now...oh well, i should really learn how to grow up.

reminder to self: eat prunes for a smooth ride tomorrow

okay on a serious note, what do you guys (or gals, tho i doubt theres any reading this) actually look for when you choose a partner? would you choose a deep thinking one or a very doh but happy person? Would you consider a bi guy as your partner (hes more into guys and he wont stray)? just wondering, really.l

dimanche 9 mai 2010


I had few of these. but the few that i have i hold very dear to my heart.

But these are not easy to come by, like a pearl from an oyster by chance, or meeting a celebrity.

I used to expect everyone to understand and sympathize with what i went through and to make it easier for me, forgive my social mistakes and other blunders and i stopped after i realize it was unrealistic.

Perhaps, the most painful part of the whole mixing with people experience is when 'friends' that i talked about my hearts contents with suddenly decide to dump me and 'move on' when its just an excuse to hide from themselves.

It was my mistake for pushing their buttons, for touching on their fear and parts of them that they never could face, breaking through the exterior that they want everyone to believe.

Like a complex melody or an impressionist painting, i impart myself to everyone in the world as i am, like a classical perfume whispering her secrets of faraway lands through flowers and woods, or an exotic cuisine nourishing the eater with its multifaceted flavors. There is no secret and i am what i appear as. Like rain, everyone is free to touch me and feel my drizzle.

Alas, like a statue i stand, waiting for the one that will make me dance again.

I was quite busy these few days and was wondering what to write when i thought of all my friends and how they have been nice to me and i realize hey life isnt too bad after all. It's still sweet tinged with shades of melancholic colors and why not let people see it? It would be interesting, after all to see how i will be judged.