dimanche 28 mars 2010

Picking up the pieces, breaking and picking again

Little Fox was left alone after the breakup with little or no friends at all. His only friend was his friend from the tuition center and they have been getting increasingly distant as well. There was a female friend from college called J who would be quite close to him. But eventually she had attitude problems which made it very hard for Little Fox to get along with. She would respond rudely as if she had the right to do so. Eventually, Little Fox told her off and she has cut off contact since.

It was also the start of Little Fox's deep and long trips to Depression Land. First, it would start off with being scolded by his parents which would prevent him from doing what he likes and blames all his failures on his favorite things. They went the extra mile to stop him from going to Kendo classes just because they did not like it. This kind of oppression caused Little Fox to really hate his parents and the rest of humanity as well. These depression trips would eventually last 2-3 months at an end. When it gets too intense, Little Fox would start to hallucinate and go to a world that keeps recurring in his dreams, a world that he created in his head, where he was Goddess's twin brother instead, living the perfect life. That would be the peak of his depression and he would skip college to stay at his room and not meet anyone except his family. Sometimes he'd cut himself with a blade on the wrists.

In college, the lack of trust and socialization made him a social freak and everyone distanced from him eventually, although in the beginning he was quite happy as people would want to be his friends. They did but eventually they found that he was too depressing to be with. This in turn, made Little Fox even more depressed. He turned to the net to search for friends and he found 2. One of them became his best friend.

The one who became his best friend, R, helped him all the way and answered all his questions. Eventually, in a few short months, Little Fox was touched by R's kindness and gestures, that he trusted him almost completely. However, R was not to be trusted as eventually, Little Fox realized that he was being manipulated by R for emotional reasons. R would drive all the way to PJ for a friend who faked a murder just to appear that he cares when it was pretty obvious the whole thing was a lie. Little Fox confronted him and it would be the start of many others. Some small, some big. The last straw was when R had a birthday party with everyone in the friends' circle, except for Little Fox. The people in that circle of friends later turned to enemies and started a backstabbing campaign against Little Fox. R ended the friendship immediately, denying any wrongdoing. Up to today, R is not on talking terms with Little Fox, although Little Fox has him in MSN but nothing ever happens.

College was more or less a disaster as Little Fox's dad enrolled him into a really bad college that had bad facilities and lecturers. He had to remain for 4 long years before he could graduate. With that said, Little Fox did lose interest in studying and being overconfident made him fail repeatedly.

Since then, Little Fox's life has been devoid of friends as he spends more time playing online games, his trust in people fading and eventually, he was nothing much other than a zombie, a robot, an unfeeling shell of a human being. He felt nothing.

Over the course of a few years, he'd make and lose friends at the same time. Most never met up with him and only remained as online friends. there was S, whom he had a crush with but decided to choose another guy instead and M who kept whining to him about someone she hated, but at the end chose to block him off due to a misunderstanding.

All the lonliness took a huge toll in Little Fox's heart. He hated himself and he would often make himself do funny things to "feel" himself but he never could. He had nightmares of gay sex for many years, and the pangs of loneliness made him want to hurt himself more and more, so he searched for gay people online to meet up with to have sex with. His first encounter was with a guy who found him through ICQ and coaxed him to be curious about other guys. He was a young man, around 5 years older than Little Fox, and quite muscular and good looking. When Little Fox met up with him, he showed Little Fox his penis, which made Little Fox feel thrilled. They exchanged handjobs but after he made Little Fox ejaculate, he refused to do so and sent him off quickly and cut all contact with Little Fox. Perhaps he was disappointed that Little Fox was slightly pudgy back then. The second guy was also coincidentally studying in his college. They went to Times Square's toilet and exchanged blowjobs. Little Fox feel disgusted and ashamed with himself after that, and the feeling that he needs to punish himself more drove himself to do it with more men, including fat, bottom of the barrel PLUs with attitude problems. One of them was a muscled old man in his 50s who works as a beautician instructor. Little Fox sucked him and his partner, and allowed himself to be sucked as well. There were a number of others, before he stopped for a very long period of time when he was caught with one of the guys in the times square toilets by security guards. That really slowed down his sexual activities quite a lot!

Over the course of 3-4 years, Little Fox had met up with at least 25 people, most of them for blowjobs or handjobs. Little Fox was and still is not fond of anal sex of any form. It seems that, loneliness triggers Little Fox's desires to seek another man to "punish" himself for those pangs of loneliness. Up to this day, if Little Fox is left alone for too long with no friends to talk to, he will start to hunger for a man to touch. But now he is fighting this feeling.

If you know Little Fox, just keep talking to him...........its going to stop him from depression as well as his sexual urges........

jeudi 18 mars 2010

The Goddess

Even if Little Fox's life was quite low when he was young, there was an individual who helped breathe life into him. She was the sole reason why he is still alive today. She was omniscient and luminous, just like a supremely powerful Goddess from the heavens, sent just to keep Little Fox alive. So Little Fox calls her Goddess.

Goddess came from a really rich family. Her dad was Irish but her mom was Japanese/Chinese. She came to Malaysia with her family. Like Little Fox, she had no siblings as well but unlike Little Fox's parents, hers was a lot more caring and understanding, while giving her a free rein in her life. She was brought up in a way where her parents allowed her to get whatever she wanted, provided if she worked towards that by her own means, without their help. If she wanted to buy an expensive doll, she would have to find ways to source for the money, be it selling her unwanted items or working for it or else she would have to live without it. It's due to that upbringing that she managed to become fiercely independent, resourceful but at the same time compassionate and highly sensitive.

She approached Little Fox one day, out of the blue while Little Fox was with one of his friends when he was 13 (she is the friend's friend) and asked Little Fox if he would like to give a relationship a try. The trial lasted for 5 years. At first, being Little Fox, he did not respond much to what Goddess did. He thought she was just a friend. But this friend would somehow or rather make him talk about his feelings, himself and what he wanted, and his goals, injecting life into him by making him feel valued. She would trust him, and tell him all of her deepest secrets. She would bring him out for walks at the garden or at KLCC as well as tea sessions at her house. This would happen a few times in a month. Little Fox did nothing to invite her back or reacted to any of these, he just allowed her to fuss over him. He felt nothing for the whole of the first year. But she never gave up. Eventually by the start of the 2nd year, Little Fox started feeling another person and trusting her for the first time. He felt warmth and this was the only reason why he is alive. She would cry on his shoulders and tell him her problems at her international school, and her friends would also tell him that she would never really talk about her problems or even remotely look upset in front of others.

She was extremely beautiful, to the point that she modeled for a TV commercial out of goodwill for her father's business associates. She was also required to attend dinners and ball parties to placate her fathers' business associates, while studying, counselling her friends and fussing over Little Fox all at the same time. Occasionally she would go back to Japan for months at an end, leaving Little Fox alone and hoping that the days would go faster so thats she would be back. Little Fox now felt that he was protecting a precious gem. But in reality, he was far too weak to protect the Goddess. It was her protecting him most of the time. Goddess also had a really weird rule: that she is not to see any of Little Fox's friends or family, nor is Little Fox supposed to talk about her to his schoolfriends. Little Fox bragged about her and he was ridiculed for it. She got really upset that he broke his promise a few times but forgave him in the end.

She was Little Fox's only friend for many years, 5 to be exact. He would tell her his problems, and she would explain why, what is that person thinking and how to deal with it in great detail. Eventually, he would tell her of every problem he had with people, and she would explain but he would never dare to apply them. She never showed any frustration but only smiled and understood, like how a mother would. However, he would always apply them 4-5 months late, but he did and it was permanent. She taught him manners and how to speak to people. She trained him to observe people and body languages. She taught him etiquette. She was like a mother, sister and a girlfriend in one. Her love for him was unconditional and unparalleled.

However she would always shy away from sex and Little Fox understood that sex would hurt her as she would always react in a traumatized way when Little Fox made approaches. He was just curious, and he would never wanted to hurt her. Over the years, Little Fox moulded him to be her opposite. While she was domineering, he would be submissive. While she pretended to be brash, he would act cool and calm. He would cheer her up when she was down, and she would do the same. They would know what the other was thinking exactly. Little Fox even planned on marrying Goddess even though he knew he would never make enough to really marry her as her husband. However, things were not meant to go the way it was planned.

Little Fox's memories of him being raped was blanked out by his tiny little brain. Because of this he was always a child inside, one that could not grow up at all due to this. He always wanted to be a child forever even though he was already 17-18. Goddess saw this and was very unhappy. She gave him many chances to grow up, be independent and prove himself that it was not due to her influence that he turned out to be a big baby, a retard. She knew that he did not want to grow up because of her. She gave him more than enough chances, and yet he failed to prove himself because he had no idea on how to conduct himself outside of her expectations. Worst of all, he knew what was going on and could not do anything to stop it.

She also had a very odd rule: since she was bisexual, both Little Fox and Goddess are allowed to have sexual pleasure: as long as its with the same gender. This means she could make out with girls and Little Fox could make out with guys. She had a gay friend, whose dick Little Fox sucked because she made out with some girls. The whole situation made Little Fox feel awkward even though Goddess was okay with it. He felt nothing when he sucked it.

Goddess however, in a last effort to help Little Fox grow up, triggered Little Fox's sexual abuse memories and forced Little Fox to face them, before leaving Little Fox by breaking up and going back to Japan. Little Fox was left to fend for himself with all the sudden influx of realizations. Before this he was numb all the way and he had the constant feeling of wanting to be a child again. Everything was a daze to him, or so he taught until he faced what really happened to him. He didint really seek any counselling to deal with it but decided to hide it in his heart once more. It did help him grow up but a little. At the time of the breakup, Little Fox was in one of the biggest emotional mess in his life. He had a row with his childhood friend from tuition which made him even lonelier. Since Goddess and Little Fox could almost read each other's minds, the separation took a very heavy toll on Little Fox and he would have meltdowns, hallucinations, voices going through his head and him speaking back to them. It would take him years and an exceptionally kind soul to help him out of that, a few years later.

A year later after the breakup, Little Fox would hook up with gay men online to have sex with them because he knew this was the best way to hurt Goddess. Little did he know that at the end, he was the one that he was hurting the most, as he would feel revolted after every encounter. Despite hating the act and finding it disgusting Little Fox did it to "punish" himself and also her.

Goddess's parents saw Little Fox as their son and even offered to adopt Little Fox (which he refused at the end, he did not want to leave his family behind) but it was one of the few moments, and it was with them that Little Fox felt he belonged. Since Little Fox and Goddess were only childs, they had incest fantasies. So at the end, Little Fox lost everything and he had to remain that way for quite sometime.

Goddess said that Little Fox was not gay, he just wanted closure for his sexual abuse but to do that he has to face that part of him that he is most afraid. And she was right. There still is a part of Little Fox that he's very scared to face because its not him. And until he does he cannot grow up fully or integrate properly with human society. At the end, Little Fox discovered that Goddess was raped herself at a young age, around 6 by an uncle. The incident traumatized her greatly but at the same time propelled her to achieve what others find it impossible to achieve. She took multiple exams simultaneously, namely SPM and GSCE and scored wonderfully for them after months of study. Her memory and willpower was legendary and Little Fox yearned to embody that but he fails every time. That realization did drive him deeper into despair.

The breakup buried Little Fox into a deep hole which he could not climb out from for the next few years....

mercredi 17 mars 2010

Childhood - Teen years

Little Fox hated people. He thinks they hate him and most of them have been proven true. His school mates think that he his a monster and avoid him. He kept trying to make friends at school but they all avoided him like the plague. This made Little Fox hate and distrust people even more.

Little Fox's parents would often ridicule, play down and demoralize Little Fox in front of his cousins. They would dismiss Little Fox's problems with pooh poohs, as well as playing down his problems, so he distanced away from them as well. With no friends and siblings, Little Fox made up imaginary friends that kept him sane. From the day of that incident until for a very long time ahead, he would knew deep inside of him that he would never ever belong in earth no matter how he tried. He would never be happy.

Little Fox played no sports as his parents stopped allowing him to go out to play with friends as kidnap cases rose over the years. He became more lonely, distant and forlorn. His only companions were storybooks that his parents bought for him. Every night he wished that he'd never wake up, only to be disappointed every day.

His teachers mistreated him. There was a sadistic teacher that enjoyed seeing how her students suffered. She would obtain joy from inflicting emotional stress to her students. She bragged proudly how she ripped off one student's test paper for coming in late to the exam, and only gave him a new one 5 minutes before passing up time, and refused to give any second chances despite the father pleading. She would create a lot of pain for Little Fox as she would spirit away Little Fox's exercise books, and then accuse Little Fox of not passing up homework. At the end of year 6, while helping out the other students clean up the cupboard, Little Fox found a lot of his missing exercise books over the years, piled up. It was pretty obvious what the teacher was trying to do. She even called up Little Fox's parents, which made them very stressed and upset for nothing. Because of this, Little Fox hated school for all it's worth. At school Little Fox was the boy that everyone hated and avoided because he was weird and different. Little Fox never really understood why, and no one ever gave a chance.

At school, Little Fox's only friend was a guy called L. However, L would prove to be unstable as over the years, he would be Little Fox's friend on an off basis. He would call up Little Fox and Little Fox would speak to him over the phone (usually its Little Fox doing the calls) for hours, had lunch together and so on. At times he would completely ignore and avoid Little Fox, once he had a clique. This, needless to say did not help Little Fox's faith in humanity at all. A lot later, Little Fox discovered that he was gay and that he actually tried to treat Little Fox as a boyfriend but failed (thus the cold shoulder). Little Fox was extremely disturbed when he found out.

All of the loneliness continued to secondary school, where everyone would avoid him like the plague, and nobody would have lunch with Little Fox. He would go to the fields and cry alone. Everyday, wondering why would everyone hate him for. The teachers were kinder to him in secondary school, but not the other students. During the last year of SPM, Little Fox was excluded in a class trip that he wanted to go to. At that point, Little Fox's hopelessness towards humanity turned to deep hate, and also a deep wound in his heart that could never heal properly.

Since Little Fox hated school, during the last few days near SPM, he would skip school, walking home (school was within walking distance from home) after his parents dropped him off. Before that, he faked an appendicitis and got operated just to stay out of school. He'd rather undergo the pain of operation than to go to a place where he's hated every day.

Little Fox's parents sent him to a tuition teacher from hell during form 4 and refused to let him change as it was a recommendation from their friends. The tuition teacher would often favor the other students while scolding and throwing tantrums at Little Fox for reasons unknown. Little Fox's parents asked him to endure 2 years of this. In the end it just made Little Fox hate studying even more. But at least Little Fox made a great friend from the tuition, which is Little Fox's loyal friend to this very day.

But despite all that Little Fox has gone thru, there was still a light that shone on him from heaven.....

mardi 16 mars 2010

Little fox's story

Little Fox never trusted anyone in his life not even his parents. He had no siblings to play with, and he was never familiar with anyone around him...but this was not always the case. Little Fox used to be talkative and talked to everyone and smiled. But something happened and Little Fox became quiet and withdrawn.

This all started when Little Fox was 5. He was walking alone in the playground behind his house when a well built man approached him. The man called Little Fox to him and Little Fox obediently followed. The man put his hand into Little Fox's pants. Little Fox thought it was okay for him to do that. The man rubbed Little Fox's tiny genitals and gave Little Fox a weird feeling. The man seemed pleased and brought Little Fox to a small jungle clearing behind the playground. Little Fox was happy because the man was happy.

The man then unzipped his pants and showed Little Fox his penis. Little Fox found it interesting. it was the first time seeing another man's penis for Little Fox. He put it into Little Fox's mouth and said lollypop. Little Fox thought it was more like a sausage. A tasteless sausage. It was a very hard sausage. The man than took off Little Fox's pants, rubbed Little Fox's genitals a little more, and made Little Fox sit on his lap. Suddenly, Little Fox cried in pain. The sausage went up Little Fox's bum. Little Fox tried to run and cried but his thighs were firmly held back by the man's hands. Little Fox tried and pleaded for the man to let him go because it hurts, but the man did not. Finally, when the man got bored he left Little Fox alone in the clearing. Little Fox was really in pain and he realized there was some blood so he waited a while before wearing his pants. Little Fox staggered back home and pretended to take a nap while telling himself it was all just his imagination....or so he wished it was.

From that day on, Little Fox assumed that strangers who talk to him wants to hurt him and he got very scared of them. a day after that incident, Little Fox pooped blood. Lots of it. His parents said it was piles and gave him medicine. A day after that, Little Fox could not control his bowels in kindergarden which was the first time for him. He told everyone it may be food poisoning, but deep inside him he knows what happened.

Ever since that day, Little Fox got continuous nightmares and is easily terrified by mannequins and certain TV advertisements. He was also terrified of strangers and would refuse to talk to any and go hide. Even his parents would comment that he used to be quite brave but all of a sudden become shy and girlish. Little Fox's heart would wince when he heard that because it came from his parents. Little Fox also became oversensitive towards people around him and everyone else. Little Fox knew he is alone now and nobody can help him and that he can only protect himself by avoiding people...

Little Fox also got interested in penises after that incident. He wondered why was the man so interested in his. He saw his and it was not interesting so he tried to peek into the pants of other kindergarden boys. They were freaked out and he was labeled a freak ever since. Which remained on Little Fox's forehead until now.

lundi 15 mars 2010

welcome to my den ^^

Welcome to my little den which is just another side of me. I'll be talking about life, love and everything in between that i dont want people to know. I'm like a cute fox...clueless and cunning, but not in an evil way!! He got lost in this clueless world.

so this is his story that he is scared to tell...