buh bye 2010

Godamm writer's block. yeah thats why i was quiet and shit! Aside than having a really nice lunch with strictlygay and the otters on xmas day and got some really sweet gifts from them even tho i didint bought any for them (very paiseh...was in blur state after sickness)

2010 was an interesting year. I met a lot of new friends and gained a lot of new experiences. Got my iphone 4. started this blog and met up with strictlygay aka calvin and im glad to say he is a close friend. met the otters and they're the few rare gays in the world that can be good friends. They represent a new generation of gays who dont look at guys as sex objects only but as friends, actual friends. it's a complete change from my generation of guys.

more importantly, this is the year where i have healed from my sexual abuse, enough to be in a relationship with another man. It's really a giant leap forward for me. But then again another problem comes up: that there's no right guy out there for me; not even a make do one. It opens up a whole new challenge to me: learning how to bond with another human being on a deeper level. But well, i am Bi after all so girls are an option. If that happens, i'll just comment on gay issues and wont really touch dick. lol. because its the person that matters. This is what happens when you let go of expectations and you widen your boundaries: more experiences: you just dont really place a fixed thing on stuffs. As my boundaries get repaired, i learn to not give in to guys physically after being hurt by doing so again and again. I'm gonna keep those stories to myself. But basically, dating older guys is a bit harder because they can spawn lots of mindgames and they know exactly what to do to talk you in and then ignore you.

It's very hard for me, at least, to understand how people bond with each other. I dont seem to understand the hows and whys. it would be a giant leap of faith for me to try and bond with people even as very close friends. So many questions and so little answers. It is scary but if im not gonna do it, i will never learn and if dont learn, i'll be all empty and hollow inside.

I managed to hold out sexually with a pact with the Goddess to hold out sex for around 6 months and kinda broke it. But it does feel good to not think about guys for that 6 months. Am thinking of holding it again this year and see what happens, but only longer. Also gonna cut down on self service and focus on other things in my life. Life is too short to care for the needs of my cock. There's too many better stuffs to focus on like spiritual life and also long term goals.

there are so many milestones that i have achieved this year, yet so many more that i need to achieve to at least reach a workable level of my life. Seemingly impossible goals: get scholarship and resume studies (hopefully in another country) or quit job to do spiritual stuff full time/freelance. i'm seeing less and less meaning in so many things. I'm not satisfied with my choice of work: feels like i need to do something else, or rather should be doing something else.

as far as relationships go, the amount of time and energy ive spent on guys so far could have been better spent elsewhere. Experiences are always good but in this case, too little experience for too high the price. Time better spent on self improvement and bonding with friends rather than with weird strangers.

but i guess this year has been good to me and a lot of effort has been spent on making sure it happens that way.

i hate my milestones. but they're the things that give me hope sometimes.

That kinda wraps up 2010 for me. Sorry for the long post, but think of it like the influx of passing motion after 2 days of constipation. And 5 minutes of laxatives.

Happy 2011 ahead!

Types of couples

So the fox had another call to the goddess to exchange experiences. Apparently, she likes girls now. But nevermind. We were talking about the types of couples we have encountered and the outcome was pretty funny:

The dominant/submissive - goes without saying. the most common module

The master/slave - like the above, except more controlling and would probably involve SM

The master/pet - like the above, except no real love involved, just mutual exploitation

The double dragons - in a gay relationship, where both men have equal power over each other. Usually both tops who wrestle each other to see who gets to top who :P

The double phoenix - same as the above, except lesbians are more caring. Most probable to have rough revenge sex (ala bette and tina at the end of L word season 2)

The puppies - usually a young couple who are of the same age, and are always joking and horsing around each other *coughbubutulscough*

The cubs - like the above, except in a more sexually aggressive way. most likely to feast on a another person in threesomes and engage in them.

The dead fishes - couples who can hold the relationship with no sex. more applicable to lesbians

The snakes - couples who engage in group sex (10+ people) at a regular basis.

The double foxes - the couple many friends would avoid -- can happen to a str8, gay or les couple and mainly consists of 2 very smart and shrewd individuals. Some people call this the dragon & phoenix but nah. Fox is more like it.

The itchy pants couple - the real name for open relationship.

The itchy pants single - what happens when one person in the couple decides to cheat on his partner and gets joy and excitement out of knowing him or her can get away with it and fool his/her partner, effectively turning the other partner into a roommate. Most likely to end up having STD

The Bangkok/Singapore couple - the couple that takes frequent visits to these 2 countries but always comes back without photos or souvenirs. Most likely to also be the snakes.

The gym rats - when both couples are really, really buff and gym defines 1/4 of their week...i know many of us think muscles are fun but sadly they're also not as smart. Most likely to start selling sex videos to fund their supplements

The druggies - chem couples. avoid at all costs.

The trophy wife - when one of the partners happen to be a bimbo but with very good looks/body and the other partner has nothing but the smarts to con and chain down his trophy, which is more for showing off and sex rather than love.

The dad & boi - a daddy-son partnership where a younger guy gets an older gay guy as a mentor and a sex partner as well. practiced widely in sparta.

The sugardaddy - not a good thing. usually a younger attractive male who seduces someone and then becomes the property of that person. Most likely to be prostituted to his owner's friends.

The drama queens - dramatic couples who make everything in their life a huge thing. Very annoying to be with. If they're in the middle of a 'production', you would most probably be dragged into it and... Most likely to end with a spectacular bang. *wink wink*

The cinderella - when a rich person couples with an average income person.

The sex bunnies - that's the only thing they have in common.....most likely to breakup when everything starts to sag

The stepford couple - also known as the delusional couple. avoid at all costs for your mental sanity

The model couple - where both partners are blazing hot and good looking. most likely to break up soon.

The sarong party couple - where one of them is white and the other asian. Oddly, the asian is always the feminine and passive one in the relationship (not necessarily bottom), even in lesbian relationships.

The husband and wife - refers to a relationship where one of the partners are passive and the other aggressive, like a real man/woman couple

then she ended the convo with a lesbian lazer tongue: i know you like girls too, but guys are sooo much more easier to get along, right? Erm yeah. dont really wanna care and just goooo with the flow. literally.

I think i've got most of the couple dynamics that me and the goddess talked about. Are there more? leave a comment :p

cruel games

The fox may be powerful and old, but he still needs a companion.. someone to feed essence from, not just anyone but a stable, sincere person with a kind heart and matching intelligence level.

Intelligent white males can be cruel. and they can be very hard to handle. and they can get you to do what they want and enjoy looking at your agony when they tease and say stuff to antagonize you. And you need to play along as if you're not offended, or come back with something back in order to appear "interesting". It's not surprising -- older white males are rare in KL and they see the whole gay scene as a huge playground for them, used to amuse themselves. It's definitely fun to tease a guy till he likes you and then say things like "oh i have a bf" or "i dont need a bf or partner", "that was not love, that was sex" and then watch the alarmed and tensed up reaction of the 'victim'. It feels fun to have a leash on someone -- and watch him yelp in pain when you tug it.

Sadly, this fox did it before for fun, and now, he's at the receiving end. The white guy he's dating is playing hard to get and throwing all kinds of mindgames at him. It's understandable because mr White is rich, lonely, alone, unattractive and he wonders if the fox is after his money. His fridae profile in 6 months got double the views and hearts from the fox who has been around for 5 years. It's pretty obvious moneyboys circle him, hoping to get a piece of his money and to be lavished by White and because of this, he's extra cautious and he would use and milk every guy that attempts to date him -- then subjects them to a battery of cruel dating games: teasing them, saying that he loves them, then saying otherwise the next day, postponing meeting dates, talking about an invisible partner and being very candid and elusive about him...you name it. He does like fox as he finds fox more intelligent than most GAMs around, but he is still wary if the fox likes him for who he, and not for his money. He's smarter than the fox and knows how to corner fox into surrendering to him...

but the fox is equally smart and plays the game with him. since the fox has time and he is not always online; the fox wants to see how this old white fox can hold up to by giving him a taste of his own medicine sooner or later...he comes across as a bitter, old white fox who has been exploited and used by so many people and who has grown sly and heartless over the years. Along comes an interesting person with more to offer than just sex and company but he is still wary....

The fox understands and is offering his services as an escort and entertains him a little. But relationship wise, he is out of fox's list. Nobody wants a bitter old fox, even if he buys expensive dinners to placate. because he just wants to play hard to get and enjoys teasing and tugging heart strings. If he really wants fox, he'll have to try harder and stop this shit.

But it's all a learning experience for fox. After all, the fox needs the experience, even if he needs to settle. A guy with a good heart, stable mind and financial background appeals, because it shows he's ready to handle the fox. The fox is not into muscle marys, desperados, misers and bitter old queens....

the dating game

There are only 3 types of gay guys around: the type that goes for dating, the spinster and the one that goes for one night stands. Sad to say that most one night stand guys are dumb, the spinsters are either too desperate or they have a personality problem that cause them to be unsociable, and the dating type can be really queeny and tricky to get along with.

So i have recently decide to switch my type, from the spinster to the dating type (fox wurt, can switch. just put leaf on head) and yes it is a very very heartbreaking journey to go through. The fox loves old white guys because they are soooooooo much more matured and realistic than their asian counterparts (well not every single one of them) but yes it is a very steep learning curve. White guys tend to be colder than their asian counterparts (meaning, incessant messaging and contact can tick them off the wrong way -- they see that as being desperate and needy, but on the other hand you will have no idea how much is too much, and as a result shit happens) but intellectually they have more to talk about (well, not all, depending on your luck) and when they flirt, they will use all sorts of methods to capture your heart and then once they have you in the bag, they'll just dump you and move on to flirting and jilting another guy. The flirting and sex is explosive, but usually, they want to be left alone after when all of those ends. But with that said there are good ones lying around -- you just need to look harder. However its a high risk venture: you either get burned really bad or you land yourself someone who is worth it all...

older guys are not as picky or choosy as the younger ones -- but to find the right kind of guy (meaning, someone who takes care of their body and it shows, and someone who is matured and intellectually endowed) is hard and really rare but you get more chances in that age group. After all, after the 6pax and rock tits, as well as the 8 inch dick what remains is the personality and stability. That's more important than the hot body.

Sad to say, 90% of the gays around are muscle marys who only look at the body. There are more important things you know other than that. And speaking from experience, good looking guys are usually not smart or deep in personality because they dont need to be -- they have the looks and the body, why should they have a personality or develop it? Thats why i dont really like to try with good looking guys -- unless they prove me otherwise but experience shows that they actually have brains to go with their 6-pax. But these days, even the so not good looking ones think that they have all the right to demand for their very own Adonis when they look like a nerd themselves. And snub people who they perceive to be not good looking. And then 10 years later, they're still single and bitter.

I'm aiming for the 10% for happiness.

one night only

I asked a female colleague the other day regarding gays. I asked her if she was able to accept it if her child turns out to be gay. Immediately her face turned to disgust. I asked her why and she said that yes she has gay friends but she does not hope that her child would be one, because gay people change their sex partners very often. I told her that there are couples who are monogamous. I guess nobody can stomach the fact that their son would go suck random dicks outside there and let their bodies be defiled by other men. I can only imagine the agony of the parents of gay porn actors who do those bukkake scenes where he has to service 20-30 dicks in one scene. lol. And with regards to my previous post before the filler, there is something to talk/think about.

So, its caffy tawk time! *wears his oprah winfrey Tyra Banks costume*

Gay men like to have one night stands, more than str8 guys although to be honest, its a man problem. You dont get that with lesbians. They'd just commit in a loving r/ship with little or no sex almost immediately. Its not the sex they want but the companionship. There isnt anything wrong with ONS, but the thing is how do you treat your ONS partner? do you only see him as a free gigolo that's here to just pleasure you sexually and then to be dumped and blocked off immediately after? Or do you see him as another man who has decided to settle his sexual needs with you and he has his own needs and emotions that you would need to think of as well?

Think of this scenario: a 17 year old guy just discovered what is it to be attracted to men. Older horny man chats up this young guy and starts talking about sex with men to this boy. And repeatedly showed his genitals to excite this young boy, causing the boy to be highly sexually charged, and then offered to meet up with this boy to help him 'relieve' his sexual tension. They meet, and immediately after that the man ignores the boy's messages/calls at fridae, axcest, msn, phone etc. The boy gets heartbroken, and starts having flings with many other men because he wants to believe that ONS with the right person is different. The boy either gets STD, ends up being a gigolo or eventually gets depressed and suicidal because he feels empty and worthless after being used by so many men, where none of them treat him like a person but just a disposable sex doll...

And the sad part is, by the time these people are in their 40s, they are still trying their luck...and eventually they end up being alone and not being able to commit in any relationship because they're just too bitter by then and that they are still hoping that they will encounter a man that will love them...or they will start turning to young boys that they can prey on and groom them for sex instead of sharing their experience and protecting these boys.

Or they would keep searching and trying to ONS with people, and with every person they have sex with, they will put hope that there is a chance for a relationship, but when that person decides enough is enough, these old, bitter queens end up being more bitter and more in pain as time passes. And they create the causes for that by exploiting people for sex when they are younger. I know because during my ONS days ive meet up with a guy like that...he paid for lots of things. But eventually he resorted to emotional blackmail and needless to say, that pretty much ended my meetups with him.

If we want straights to respect us, we ourselves have to clean up our acts. And start treating people with dignity. That is why when i realized this, i stopped ONS.

by the way, this is anna tsuchiya, my japanese idol. i want to marry her someday but she's already married :(

Btw at 00:57 she looks like tuls. really. especially when tuls does his "yeah right i dont care dunno". dosent he dancerboy? :P except that her skin is soooo much better. Opps.

funny moments

colleague says

got my email?

Fox says

the kahwin one?

colleague says

yeah

Fox says

selamat hari pengantin baru

*goes rm5 shop*

colleague says

hehe blmmm laaaa

NOOOOOOOOOO

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

priceless gems with otter len and otter pa *cues 80s talkshow music*

fox: pa, you have huge nostrils!

otter pa: yea i know. can fit a dick inside right?

otter pa to len : your cibai la!

fox: eh len got cibai wan ar? very rare oh. see?

otter pa: his asshole kena fuck by so many guys until become cibai already.

fox: no wonder can fake orgasm. my hole cannot lo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

colleague: its cold in here

fox: yes because there's a ghost. beware of possessions.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

fox: yeah you got a job and all now...

launiang: yes. i'm a careerwoman now <--no, you're still a guy XD

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hope you guys had a good laugh!

sex and friends

Lets start the cockfight. This is gonna be fun!

So me and Calvin had this really interesting discussion last night about an issue that i have been thinking about for the longest time: why cant friends have sex with each other.

dancerboy thinks its because feelings may arise.

But then again if sex is just sex, its just like an activity like playing badminton together, where is the problem?

Because most guys equate sex with exploiting whomever they're fucking, and its because of this that it makes things awkward when its done. You treated your friend like a dirty little whore during sex and took advantage of his body. You exploited your friend....you sullied his body and innocence. And you can never see him the same again after he took in your cock with such a horny and dirty way. You'll keep thinking of him giving you on oral even though you guys are eating at the mamak stall and talking about life. You'll keep thinking about moles in certain parts of his bodies. And worse of all, that he has seen how short and deformed your dick is and he has that part of you with him. But he's just a friend. A friend who treats you like a friend but you treated him like a sex doll. A dirty whore. A cheap prostitute. How are you ever gonna see him like you used to?

But really, does it really have to be that way? As long as you and friend A have understanding that this is just another activity you guys have with each other, where's the awkwardness? Its just like seeing your friend trip and fall during a badminton, or saw the funny shaped mole on his body while swimming together.

If two friends have a need and they gotta get it solved, i dont see why sex should make things uncomfortable. Provided if there is total understanding of what happened and that both parties know that the intimacy during sex is for the act itself and not acted out based on love or emotions. Also, sex does not necessarily involve anal sex which is more intimate and intense, but can be just giving handjobs to each other... Needs are still needs at the end of the day.

As for me now, even though i can understand why but i still sex with friends is a viable, if not, the last option. I've retired from ONS and i plan to keep it that way, and would only want to do it with a dedicated person....

Otterific evening

So the Fox met the pair of otters again: the lanky pair of really cute and fierce otters that can really brighten up anyone's day. They're perfect opposites that complement each other and really form a really unique couple combo. We had dinner and lots of jokes. Otter Pa was in a really groggy mode due to lack of sleep so he did not say much but it is funny neverthenless. there's just something about seeing that couple together that warms the heart like a cup of hearty expresso during the morning. Its the little things in life or the day that makes it fun to be in. And the right timing too as i was having a bad day since the day before...nah dont wanna blog about it just wanna get thru the week :p

They arrived at 5 while my job ends at 5.30 and i had to run around to reach them. It was fun tho. we had dinner at Sushi Zanmai in front of MPH. THEY ATE BABY OCTOPUSES! SO CRUEL!!! so i ordered natto as it was my first time. The otters

cautiously ate the food. Otter Len sniffed both appetizers before we ate them as it was how otters show care and affection for their partners. How sweet!

And the poor octopuses were consumed by the otters, before they even had a chance to experience life.....guess which one was otter len and which one otter pa.

As usual with otters who are picky with food, we took 15mins to decide what to eat. Otter Pa had to hurry Otter Len to order. Our main course was a bowl of SMALL RICE shared by the otters, while i had curry rice. wanted to have kitsune soba (doh!) but decided against it at the end.

My delicious curry which looked like dragons that someone gave birth to the other day :p. that small bowl was all the 2 of them ate. Can believe?

Otters have ridiculously small appetites and they are ridiculously thin. Make Fox feel fat but fox no careeeeeeeeeeee

So after that we had a walk at Zara before going for dessert. Otter Len and Pa

tried some clothes on, and fox tried his most favorites coat in the world: the trenchcoat!

I have never looked this good!! but sadly too hot to wear here :(

And then we had dessert:

Bread butter pudding and chocolate brownie: One representing Len and the other Pa. :) The taste? like a versatile guy sandwiched in a threesome :P

The vanilla cream was simply divine with the bread butter pudding while the ice cream brownie really hit the spot.

Then after that the fox got really satisfied and sleepy, so he couldnt right more as his eyes are droopy....but thats all he wants to share about his threesome outing with the otters.

Seriously, it's like freshly brewed lavazza expresso coffee in the morning: full bodied, intense and refreshing :)

Arousals

Arousals. Its something that most of us guys love so much about that dear Calvin posted in his blog and echoed by so many other bloggers. So I'm gonna talk about mine :P

Sthenolagnia (aroused by looking at muscles of another man and display of strength) - This one i do have. Its probably a security thing that makes me feel secure with a guy with bigger muscles than me. Odd thing is once i have reached a certain build i no longer find men of a similar build with mine sexually arousing. I used to before i got this muscled. Hmm.

Peodeiktophilia (Exposing one's penis which is done by most gay men in saunas) - This is fun to actually, you wont feel aroused, just brimming with confidence to be able to do what people cant. Actually str8 men do it too, especially those with huge dicks merely because they are confident with their bodies.

Pictophilia (aroused by seeing nude pictures of another men especially pornography) - which guy dosent? *rolleyes*

I also have a few other less common fetishes: I like roleplay and would love for the bf sometimes dominate and be submissive (according to my mood, no not top or bottom, this is something else hehehehe), as well as being treated like a small boy and talked to like one. Maybe a 2nd revisit to my past? meh i dont know but those are secret fantasies. I also have a fetish for circumcised penises. hahahahah

I am also very attracted to stable, matured men in their mid to late 30s and above who take care of their bodies, who can carry out conversations and who have the money and is not stingy. They feel good to be with because well, i guess i need an older and wiser person to nurture me...oh well.

I love my men and my perfumes the same way: deep, matured, complex and well rounded.

Scents as far as i can say, dont arouse me but does lift my mood and make me feel good. That is why i need them. I have a melange of scents that help me achieve what i need. I love the smell of good, natural vanilla and most of the scents in my collection have it. Incense, amber and honey, as well as dirty musk also turns me on. So my favourites are Muscs Khoublai Khan by Serge Lutens (USD200+ per bottle!! no i dont have it yet, just the sample :() which smells like armpits at first but dries down to a very sexy sweat thing and Guerlain Heritage which has a really rich slightly burnt vanilla that i love so much. I have others too. but will talk about that later.

I'll leave you with the advert for the world's (second) best perfume: Guerlain Shalimar. The perfume itself is incredibly beautiful and i would love to smell this on a man or woman (perfumes are genderless!). Starts with a bergamot and rose which glides smoothly to a rich, sensual vanilla base. ooOOOOOOOHHH!!

Thats what you'll feel like if you use shalimar. Honest!

*edit: link added..dont wanna be accused as plagarizing, but you could have told me over MSN *_*

if it's too good...

It's probably too good to be true.

I messed up with the guy. We met at the Grand Millennium hotel. He brought me in. We had oral and foreplay. Then we went out for lunch.

Then he shooed me back home.

we chatted on whatsapp a little after that.

on the next day there was no more replies.

It hurted me a lot for a while but then i moved on because i realize i executed a few wrong moves during the date.

After all he is shallow, working in a high stress job and using designer goods to help fill up the void. I was selling companionship but when i reached out to him, he was nothing but an empty soul. And i guess he was afraid that i might be able to touch those.

It hurt to know that i made a mistake more than anything else. But it also helped me to be a more efficient fox. It also made me realize that i can have feelings for people.

I am considering of selling companionship to men who need it but for a price. Because i can do it and because, its better than giving it to them for free. I could certainly use an LV bag or two.

If i keep searching its these kind of encounters that will only happen. Since it is going to happen why not i make it into a business?

Please leave your thoughts, on this matter.

anyways, i leave you with this song:

Get your own valid XHTML YouTube embed code

From: http://lyricstranslate.com

The cat from the artists' café

When we're dead it means we're dead

When we don't laugh anymore it means we don't live anymore

When I'll have cut the string

Put me in a trashcan

Let me rot for a month

And from there throw me to the cat

May he decline my spleen and my liver

But choose the right time so that he eats my heart

And that I stay with you

On your shoulders and you laps

May I be since we have to exist

The cat from the artists' café

And if the bread runs short

I'll be there and don't hesitate

Break my legs and my neck

And then eat me from the cat on

It wouldn't be the first time

An artist is eaten

When we're dead it means we're dead

When we don't laugh anymore it means we don't live anymore

When he cut the string

He was put in a trashcan

And then they forgot me there

la la la la la la la

The same way they forgot the cat

The same way they'll forget my face and my songs

It won't be the last time

An artist is forgotten

When we're dead it means we're dead

When we don't laugh anymore it means we don't live anymore

When he cut the string

He was put in a trashcan

And the they forgot me there

La la la la la la la la

La la la la la la la la

sex buddies

since i love both serge gainsbourg (which calvin hates for composing songs based on classics) and bridgette bardot (too bad she's gone senile) why not i put a picture of both of them, or rather actors posing as them in a move about serge:

as we've all known, i never enjoyed any of my ONS encounters, simply because to them i am but a piece of meat.

However, on my recent horny trip, i downloaded grindr on my phone and met a guy that stayed nearby. Seems that he likes me and shares the same idea of being tired with one night stand encounters, but neither of us could find a BF. He rarely has sex with people (because of his age and not so flattering pics on the net) but has a cut cock (my fave!) and is kinda willing to commit to having me as his sex partner.

So after chatting over whatsapp and grindr, we've decided to meet on the evening. And my oh my. He drove a huge white Nissan, which impressed me in a way. He picked me up near my house as he was not sure of the exact location, i had to come out of my flat to meet him up (after telling him the directions and he had problems) and we went to a nearby cafe, and talked about our lives and work. He took out his wallet and keyholder, both original LV articles. I asked him the prices and he said 700 for the keyholder and 2k for the wallet and that the price was quite ok. When the drinks finished, i had to go to the toilet and he paid the bill and allowed the cafe staff to keep the change. (I've insisted to give him a blowjob to start things off prior, after he had agreed to be my sex buddy exclusively as my way of saying thanks and that i am serious.)

We went to his car and to a secluded parking spot with me holding his hand while he drove. We french kissed on my request, and soon after he exposed his beautiful cut cock to me. I gave him a very intense blowjob as he teased my nipples and moaned in ecstasy. He sucked mine too briefly. It was really, the most delicious cock ive sucked. There were no extra skin or flavorings that marred the performance. He never pushed my head down to deepthroat him despite me asking him to do so if he wanted to (previous bad experience: guys getting too high and gagging me with their cock, without my permission and extra flavors from the urine and whatnot). In the end, he jacked off a little and cummed. He really liked it as it was his first time in years. We french kissed 3 times, hugged and held hands as he fetched me home.

We exchanged a few more messages via whatsapp after that and then retired to sleep.

He didint replied his messages on the next morning and i got a bit worried but he did at the end due to a meeting....

so anyways, this was the first time i felt so right with a guy. He had money and was not afraid to spend it (he proposed that we have a full blown sex session at a hotel this weekend, on him, as we are both staying with parents) and he has a caring character. Being with a generous guy does make me feel a lot more secure in more ways than one, and he is charming.

I so hope this one goes along, even tho i am not capable of loving him but i do want to be with him and date and talk and have sex with....oh well see how things go.

back from buzies!

its been a very stressful week which i am still recovering from. First, i had to study for an exam (and still am) and then work started to pile up and become more and more and then got office politics to handle. I feel like a working lesbian these days. Totally no time for personal life anymore. And have to be butch and all. And thats why lack of updates here.

i have been totally stressed out and horny these days and friends have been busy and all. I guess it is a bad period for everyone.

Paging out to the otters: free this sat?

Loneliness

I've been following the blog of a very wise man who has been the light of my life so far spiritually, and he's highlighted something that we may all want to consider:

Loneliness doesn’t come from being alone. Lonliness comes from knowing you’ve wasted your life on self indulgence and you haven’t done much for others or done much at all. So in that case you can go out for dinner and parties every night, but once you get home, lonliness will haunt you till you become bitter.

That's scary. Because who wants to go home with nothing and being bitter? But sadly many gay guys i know ARE lonely deep inside. They're hollow like a tree trunk. I think that sentence explains exactly why.

. Bitterness arises when you find you are too old, too sick, too lazy, too habituated, too comfortable to do something about it and people/peers around continue to grow and gain further success.

So that's why people become bitter. And i know a lot of people heading towards that direction.

Well something can be done.What? Curb your self indulgence now and do work that benefits others. Focusing on yourself all these years got you nowhere except false perceptions of having had fun and done something.. If fun was ‘it’, then you should be very successful and happy now.

The formula to avoid bitterness is to use your time wisely and not for only self indulgence. Self indulgence leads to eventual bitterness. Check it out.

But well there's hope on getting rid of loneliness. Sounds like the only way tho.

Just thought i'd share with people who read this blog that they need not feel lonely as well.

I really hope this helps.

HOCD

Holy shit! looks like it is possible to like anal sex while being straight and being attracted to guys.

It's called Homosexual Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (HOCD)

Homosexual Obsessissive Compulsive Disorder (HOCD) is a form ofObsessive Compulsive Disorder in which the individual is preoccupied about being homosexual when, in fact, they are heterosexual.

Some will read this and think it is ridiculous. The truth is there are many sufferers who worry about being homosexual--and some actually are. Until society makes room for gays and lesbians and diminishes homophobia, these types of disorders will remain.

Sufferers of HOCD will be relieved to know this exists and can get the help they need.

Characteristics of HOCD which I found at Brainphysics.com:

1. Unwanted or intrusive thoughts about being homosexual
2. Doubts of one's own actual sexuality
3. Inability to get rid of unwanted worries or intrusive thoughts about being homosexual
4. Seeing a member of the same sex causes anxiety and triggers unwanted thoughts about being a homosexual
5. Avoidance of members of the same gender from fear of unwanted thoughts or anxiety about being attracted to them
6. Thoughts or worries about giving off signals that one may be homosexual
7. Repeating mundane actions for fear that these actions may have been performed in a "homosexual" way or a way that may signal homosexuality in the person (for example, a male may feel the need to get up from a chair and sit back down in it if he feels that the way he sat in the chair was "feminine," or a male may worry that the way he walks is too "feminine" or signals homosexuality)
8. Repeating an action may relieve anxiety, but then the person feels the need to repeat the action (or ritual) again and again to relieve anxiety
9. Anxiety over being a homosexual is in opposition to one's own values and desires
10. One feels that the thoughts are unacceptable and inappropriate
11. Homosexual thoughts are repulsive rather than arousing

Characteristics of Being Gay (not suffering from HOCD):

1. Having feelings of attraction for members of the same gender (even if kept secret)
2. Having sexual encounters with members of the same gender
3. Preferring members of one's own gender for sexual/dating partners or feeling comfortable with both male and female sexual/dating partners
4. Homosexual thoughts are pleasant, though a person may be shameful of their sexual orientation or keep it a secret
   

Sometimes a closeted gay individual can experience OCD symptoms until they fully come out. That is different than a heterosexual suffering from HOCD. There is no coming out process for someone who is straight other than with the fact that they are suffering OCD and need treatment.

Soooo...does this mean im not gay now?

I think its a complicated topic so i'll post a link: http://straightguise.blogspot.com/2007/07/what-is-straight-guise.html

also..

When Sexual Abuse Masquerades as gay

Homosexual behavior doesn’t mean a man is gay or even bi, he can simply be left with an imprint to re-enact his abuse and find “pleasure” in what was inflicted on him as a child. This really isn’t pleasure at all, but trauma turned into orgasm.

In their book, Male Victims of Same-Sex Abuse: Addressing Their Sexual Response by John M. Preble and A. Nicholas Groth say it best:

. . . this may actually reflect an effort at mastery of the traumatic event . . . when he was being sexually victimized, someone else was in control of him sexually. During masturbation he is literally in control of himself sexually, and this may be a way in which he attempts to reclaim mastery over his own sexuality. Likewise, his participation in consensual sex reflects his choice and decision.

The authors go on to say that “the fantasy thoughts are prompted by fear more than desire, by anxiety more than pleasure.” In other words, they become a way of managing fear and anxiety. Larry is a good example.

Surviving Sexual Abuse

Recently, a friend asked me why cant i move on from my sexual abuse that i had when i was a child. I told him it is very hard to explain to someone who dosent understand the effects it has. It's never about the incident but rather the lingering effects it has. And so he told me to explain to him what is it like to be an abuse survivor. So I am doing a post on it here.

If you do have a chance to talk to a survivor who is strong enough to talk about the abuse, that is if you can ever connect to one and he actually trusts you, he will tell you that it is not about the actual incident itself but it is more of the crap that comes with it. When abuse happens at a very young age, the mind has no way of processing such events and blanks out the entire incident. However, the subconcious mind or id in modern psychology does not forget and start to avert people on a subtle level. This person does not even know what trust is, thus it is often very hard to connect to a survivor. Most survivors end up having low self esteem or blame themselves for what happened. Depression, DID and so on are not uncommon amongst survivors. They will also develop the tendency to have self harm. They may also blame others, or hate children because they have what they lost. Sometimes the body does not forget either and the victim may suffer from premature ejaculation, unexplainable pain in certain places, undescended testicles or even hormonal problems. Some men may be straight, but they develop physical reactions towards other men even when they dont feel anything. It's not exactly the easiest thing to deal with, at all.

All survivors suffer from something we term as triggers. Triggers are stimuli that provoke thoughts of the abuse and drive our emotions out of control, as well as starting a bout of depression. Triggers could be anything at all that reminds the survivor about the attack and/or the emotions related with the abuse. It brings the survivor to relive the tragedy once more. Most survivors often break down completely when triggered. And this is what prevents them from living a full life.

Often, survivors will feel that they have no more control over their life or body because it was forcibly taken away from them. It's a feeling that almost cant be overcome. It could be quite painful to deal with and face most of the time. Also, since it happened at such a young age most survivors would develop trust issues with people as the mind would wanna protect itself as it assumes that everyone is out to get it. And since its burnt into the mind, its extremely hard to convince it otherwise. That is why it is usually very hard for survivors to be in a relationship. Either that or the mind becomes overly trusting which is why, most survivors are easy targets for scams. Most survivors end up being bullied and loners because they just cant function socially and it is a huge handicap in today's society.

Society tends to be more sympathetic towards female survivors, but not really so towards males because they're expected to get over it and deal with it because they're the stronger sex. Also, if you're a survivor many people would automatically assume that you're gay. This makes it harder for the survivor to accept and deal with the condition. It also makes it a lot harder for a man to seek help for something that happened a long time ago, especially if there isnt much to start with.

Survivors, above all just want to live a normal life, while going through the mental issues that the abuse might have provoked. So you see, its not about feeling sorry and throwing a pity party of 'waaaah, i got raped at 5' and looking for sympathy and all, but looking for the missing pieces in the puzzle such as missing childhood and finding the life experience that defines adult life, as an adult. Most lack social skills and have problems communicating their feelings. Some of the comments that you should never make about a survivor are 'so are you gay now?' 'why cant you just move on?' 'you just made it all up for attention' because its just like telling a cancer patient 'oh gosh you have cancer! just put a plaster on it, grow some hair and heal!' it's not really helpful at all, and possibly very hurtful to the survivor.

so this is more or less, what surviving sexual abuse is in a nutshell. to support other survivors (mostly american) you could go here to learn more about male sexual abuse.

sauna flashing

the fox needs to suck up human energy once in a while. so after the human is done with his gym, he goes to the sauna/steam for the fox so that the fox can suck up as much male energy as possible which prevents the human from showing his fondan-ness. Fa
ir enough?

But you know what's the most fun part in being in a sauna?

It's the opportunity to expose your privates to others legally.

It's a very liberating feeling to see other men stare/gawk/avoid/hide from your privates, mainly because they dont have the guts to do so themselves.

I really dont get it why are most men so shy to expose it. It's a part of their body so it shouldnt matter especially in front of other guys. It's a really warm and raw feeling that you get, the universal bond between other men can be felt by seeing them naked together with you.

maybe i should really check out a nudist camp one day. there's a certain nice feeling to see other people's genitals out in the open together with yours :) i guess a small taste of them is during in one of the gay saunas. but the difference is in a nudist camp, it dosent end or start with sex. just enjoying other humans in their full nakedness.

meeting with 2 otters :D

Otters Len and Pa. so cute right! So romantic! Quel Amor!

So last night while i was busy pumping at bodypump class, i got a call from otter (formerly the raccoon now i think he looks more like an otter) asking to meet up. This was supposed to happen last week but some how or rather the other otter had to take care of his pup brothers after mama and papa otter needed a romantic getaway. So okay i went to have dinner with them...

...and boy was it a riot! they were so funny especially when they have chemistry with each other and them teasing and horsing around. Otter Len likes to say shit, slut while Otter Pa sounds more like Len's owner and would snap at him in a funny way whenever Len say something wrong. As otters, both also got aneroxic problems (oh im not eating so much! i'll get fat!). we went to the feeding ground known as shilin with all the tiny ass portions (i had to wake up at 2am to eat something due to rumbling stomach, sleep back at 3 and came to work at 6am. and then skipped gym to type this post coz no point working out in a state of lack of sleep)

So we had a really nice 2 hour long chat with me laughing most of the time but there was a few really funny moments:

len: so my ex was a mix of 4 different shits
fox: 4 different shits? is he a toilet?
len: omg hahaha i dont mean to sound it that way i meant race but now you make it sound so funny
fox: lets see...brown ones, black ones
pa: diarrhea and constipated ones...
len: explodes into laughter

(pa raises his arms to illustrate something and since he was wearing extremely short sleeves, and lo and behold! the bush)
len: (keeps referencing to various forest names)

pa: its because of your stupid hickey that mom gave me a lecture. stupid len!
len: but i gave the softest wan lo how come ur neck so tafu wan
pa: you and your stupid condom!
len: and you used lotion on your 1st time and gave me diarrhea.


........

how the hell can that give diarrhea?

and in between (this happened like 2-3 times)

len: see i told you fox was weird

pa: yes and i will be meeting weirder people soon (he studies psychology)

len: yes but am i the weirdest

pa: yes you are

len: yay! im the weirdest one!

then the fox went home while they molested each other watched a movie at the cinema.

by now you could have guessed who is otter len and otter pa :P. they're both lanky twinks = otters! kihihihi.




opps

len and pa, if you're reading this we should really hang out more often :) :D we get along well i feel heheheh

healing week

It's been a nice weekend of 3 nights of lack of sleep while i try to dig out old shits and heal them. Its not exactly the easiest thing to heal up old wounds and take care of them coz of the emotions and all. Being raped at 5 leaves a huge and deep mental scar yanno. It involves sexuality issues, DID, trust issues etc while needing to appear normal and cheerful. So those who complain that im emo, try going through that and then try to be 'normal'.

The thing is when you go through something like that you'll feel like your body's not yours and no matter what you do you'll only be a visitor renting your body. The feeling never really goes away no matter whats done. Its not about the act itself but the effects and the lack of security and trust that comes out.

So what i did was that i participated in a chatroom where other people with this problem and help talk to them and they talk to me about issues that we face. And there is progress and yeah i feel so much better these days.

i'm trying to find therapy tho. I think i may have DID. i'll talk about that later.

what's DID? It's being like this:

(this is the hollywood version. the real life versions are alot worse)

but unlike her, i remain in full control like the playstation 3 and they're just the games har har har.

perhaps, perhaps not

Sometimes i wonder if i am really gay

as i dont have emotional feelings for guys.

when someone gets too close emotionally i really freak out

but not physically.

i wonder why.

if i was really not gay, will i lose all my gay friends?

What kind of person are you?

When you encounter a problem or when you realize that you have a flaw

do you

a) blame everyone around you, close up and be bitter because everyone will hurt you

b) lie to yourself, that it is okay but treat everyone else as if they owe you a good life, love and friendship

c) become bitter and manipulative because nobody can be trusted and nobody can accept your flaw

or

d) do something about it, face the painful parts even tho it hurts like a motherfucker and get better, even if nobody else understands except (maybe) for the therapist (or if lucky, 1-2 friends). Because you know NOBODY wants to be with a loser who keeps hurting people around him.

I've been all of those before. I've hurt so much people with my self-centeredness in the past that now i decided that it has to stop. And i am at 4) now. And with this i will be normal and i wont scare people. Its about not wanting to hurt people anymore. Because to the other people, there is no excuse for hurting them in this way.

I may still be the crazy bitch aka a Jenny Schecter but i hope one day i wont be.

but which kind of person are you?

Recent encounters

Me, my imagination and kumachan. My 3 best friends.

its been the fox's mating season lately and he has been rather frisky and the best way to describe him would be Kate Moss pleasuring herself in the commercial of YSL's Parisienne perfume. So he reopened his account in gayromeo to seek for people to have fun with. Someone that could supply pleasure and support to the fox. perhaps a BF, or just a sex buddy who's willing to supply the fox with cum. But in any case, the fox realized why he took himself off the market in the first place: too many lies and broken promises.

the problem is when gays are in heat they tend to promise many things just to get underneath the pants of another guy. And once they do its basically the end of the relationship between them both.

One guy saw my latest pics (ahem!!!) and he dropped his number and MSN almost immediately. We chatted online and he immediately wanted to meet with me but i was too tired. he told me that he'd meet me on friday and describe all the wonderful and erotic things that we could do and he went away for his dinner. He never replied further messages or left a phone number. So much for those erotic times.

Another guy showed his muscular body, and he was cut as well. he even sent me pictures of his cock and relentlessly pursued me on MSN and also left his phone number with me. I did not call. But sadly all he could talk about was sex and that he does it with guys, once a week. So should i offer myself to be another piece of his condom, to be worn and thrown away?!

Another malay guy left his phone and asked me to SMS him which i did just to see as he had a hot body and his face was okay. His profile said PJ but he said he's staying in puchong. he kept asking me to go to his place and that he would give fun time. I should have asked for an iPhone 4.

One of the guys happened to be someone that lived right across the street which i have had some sexual encounters before and he is quite old (in his mid-late 40s) and one of the last times we did it, his cock tasted funny and he sorta got pissed and refused to contact me. He stays alone and recently works from home. I thought of doing it with him again until when i asked him if hes still as fat, he told me to look for other guys. I got turned off at that point and kinda forced my lust in a hole. No way im gonna form a sex buddy relationship with a bitter old man with hygiene problems, especially with a pet cat that pees and poops almost everywhere, leaving the house smelling like kitty litter.

Yet another guy desperately asked me for my MSN and phone number, messaged me 10+ times and finally I added him to msn. And soon after that the conversation burned out as he cant think when he is not horny, it seems.

Another guy sent me a long PM with an invitation to date him on sunday (busy sorry) and the week after to gay nightclubs with his gay singaporean friends. Told him we could meet for coffee but sunday is not exactly a free day, and i dont club. Hmm. could be good.

but yes, as you can see, those are not the best places to look for guys and do i really want to treat myself like a rag? Might as well pay for the services of a professional gigolo who definitely has good technique and has the hottest body i can touch and feel rather than a free ride. Then its like a treat. Else it really does feel really shitty after the sex and it could need more time to recover from that. I dont feel that it is worth all that there is for an hour of pleasure and a few days of depression and lethargy. Am i really that not worth it that i had to find these desperate lametards and be one of them? nope. not anymore.

So really, is it really worth it now? Free sex but you know that after that nothing more and you felt that something inside of you just died. Most people just become numb to this and eventually STD develops. Perhaps my bf or someone i could trust would give me better and more guilt free sex..

I always have this fetish that my bf would be the guy who outperforms me in mindgames and in every other aspect of my life and he can prove it. He has to be the 'master' and im somewhat the 'beast slave' of the r/ship. then only i'll yield and accept him as a lover. However no guy would go to that extreme to want me so its just a dream :P

urinal encounter

correct protocol at the urinals.

After 2 really long posts, i'm gonna make a nice short one.

i was at a certain toilet in a certain hotel which is next to a certain supermarket, peeing. And lo and behold, i saw one of the most beautiful cocks attached to a westerner when i looked sideways. There was only 2 of us in the washroom.

He was playing with it as he was peeing. I could see his beautiful cut white cock in full view. there was a clear scar. I kept staring. It mesmerized me. But he never stared at my direction. He just kept on peeing and squeezing his penis. I was enjoying every moment of it.

We both finished peeing at the same time and he cleared his throat while looking at me. I knew then that he was straight and he was telling me that he's not comfortable with my staring. I walked out of the bathroom silently.

I was hoping that he could propose a number exchange or at least show interest in mine. But oh well.....

you never know the surprises a urinal can offer :P

Taking advantages

Thank god not this bad. i'll never afford to drive one of these anyway

I met an accident 2 weeks ago but it was very minor. there was hardly a dent on the other person's car.

It was a fast lane and i could not brake in time as the car in front of me stopped. Immediately after that the car in front of me which was a white myvi stopped. In the middle of the fast lane. She knew this would put pressure on me. It was the highway in front of KDU and there was an obvious spot for these sort of things, but she refused to. The damage was minimal. Only a gash at the boot cover, and small dent from the top on the bumper (how the hell can that be my fault? it is obviously not but she tried to pin it on me) and that was basically, "the damage". She insisted that i pay for the damages as it was my fault. She insisted that she braked because the car in front of her did but i didint remember seeing any. After all fast lanes dont usually stop. We both agreed not to report to the police as i would need to pay another 300 (thinking back, i really should as she was also in the wrong for breaking in the fast lane and she KNOWS it, that is why she allowed me to 'choose' and say that she will claim my insurance. But i did not want my NCP to be deducted.) The more ridiculous claim was that from previous experience that the damages amounted to 1k. And that she needs to change her car and this will lower the resale value that is why she needs to fix it. She even demanded that i paid her there and then. I demanded to see the bill and if it really is only i will pay. She insisted that i paid her at least half 1st. I offered 200 but she said no way it can be fixed so i paid her 500 (later i found out this should NOT be the way, and even so cannot be so much). Her face immediately lit up and become from a cutthroat bitch to a normal person and even told me where are the mechanics around the area. She also tried to get my home phone number, address and my company phone number and name. I told her just take my mobile and it was not necessary for her to ask for so many details. It was very painful to me but at least i thought it would have been settled. But I was wrong.

I immediately went back to office after paying her and got a mechanic to help me close my hood. Damages on my side were: front bumper went in and a crooked hood. One of the tyres was even touching the mudguard. i had no time or money to get it repaired soon. I got the office mechanic with the help of a colleague and he helped me close the hood. I also passed his contact to her and told her that i will not foot the bill if it was from somewhere else. She never replied to the message saying thanks or ok. To this point it was obvious to me that she only wanted the money.

She did not go to the mechanic immediately but went a week after the incident. She insisted that the mechanic change her bumper even though the mechanic told her it was not necessary. Since i already told the mechanic the amount i gave her, the mechanic charged her 750 for changing the bumper. She was only able to pay 500 (I presume) and the mechanic refused to let her car out until she pays the balance. She called me on a saturday afternoon 3-4 times within 10 mins (3 of them went to missed calls) and sent a sms, asking me to top up the amount to 750 from 500. she called when i was replying. I insisted that i will meet up with her and check the bill as well as with the mechanic. Is this how a person who sincerely wants to fix her car behaves like? I dont think so. I told a few friends about it and they all said she is not supposed to do this, that when she accepted my money she cannot ask me for more. Either that or i deal with the mechanic directly and not through her but when that happens i should not have gave her the money. She actually wanted it on that day itself. I knew she is trying to cheat my money then.

On sunday evening she smsed me on where i should meet her at 10 pm. I felt something really wrong and 'begged' her through SMS that i had no money and that im even skipping lunch (true story) but she was relentless and came back with a SMS that went along the lines of me breaking my promise and all men cannot be trusted. And even tried to call. I saw miss calls. Thank god i switched off my phone. Next morning there were more miss calls and angry SMSes. All with the same thing. I sent her a reply that if she was scared that i found out that im not supposed to pay her after she accepted my 500. She said she will talk nicely to me as long as i answered. In actuality, she was trying to psycho me to paying her 250 first and she knows that if i delay i will find out the truth.

She called my office extension and talked to me for 1 hour repeating the same point on how i should pay her and honor my promise. I told her i will find out with the mechanic and she said the mechanic asked her to deal with me. she did not allow me to put down the phone to call the mechanic so i used my handphone to call instead. The mechanic was actually quite furious that she insisted on replacing the bumper even when not necessary on the insistence of her brother in law which was consistent with what she said. Now, it was very clear that she was trying to get me to sponsor a free bumper. Besides, the crack on the bumper looked like force from above cracked it and not from the back. she was trying to get me to pay for her new bumper! I told her we both know what she is doing is wrong which is why she is trying so hard to convince me, that the mechanic's total bill is actually 500 and she went against the mechanic's advice to change the bumper. So i have settled the full amount but this is added by herself. And if she continues to call i will report to the police and put down the phone. My supervisor immediately shouted that i should report to the police for harassment while she was on the line. She did not listen and kept repeating the fact that i 'promised' her.

I checked with the mechanic again and that she actually wanted the old bumper replaced back after he fixed the new one in so that she didint have to pay extra this morning. (ohohohoho. greed gets you nowhere!) but its too late because he fixed it and sprayed paint on it already and he refused and insisted that she paid 250 since she insisted to have it replaced the other day. The mechanic was also very stern at her as i also feedback to him what she said through the phone and the SMSes. He told me not to pay or entertain her anymore and that anything beyond this point will be harassment. Perhaps he also saw that she was just trying to take advantage but he turned the plot back at her.

After collecting her car she sent an essay of a SMS on how i never kept my promise, that i lied and that it was unfair for her to pay and that the underside of the old bumper was cracked. I showed it around to my colleagues and they laughed. And no calls after that.

So the lesson here is to not take advantage of people. First of all, it was very clear that she preplanned as someone who have just met an accident wont be so lucid to talk about costing or even recall bills. secondly she did not stop at the side but in the road to put pressure to me to come to an agreement. Thirdly, she talked nonstop and did not allow me to talk and twisted my words. Forth, she insisted on money first which she already knows is not the proper practice. Fifth, she asked for details where ordinary people would not ask. Sixth, the way she tried to contact me is tantamount to harassment. Seventh, she called my office number when she knows very damm well its breach of privacy. Eighth, she was trying to use mindgames to get me to pay her. didint work bitch. I'm a fox. a very old one. Mindgames are my speciality. Ninth, she changed an unnecessary part and tried to make me pay for it WITHOUT informing me prior.

So at the end, she was just trying to take advantage of me for not knowing the situation but in the end others sense what she was up to and turned the game back to her. I talked to everyone about this case and they all say it was her mistake and she has overstepped her limits and tried to bully and take advantage of me.

I guess this goes to show taking advantage of others is a stupid thing to do because other people will DEFINITELY realize. This goes for guys too. I have seen many a PLU guys manipulate and get manipulated and well you know what you're doing so stop it because whatever friends you got through your schemes will leave you once they realize what you are doing. It is not worth it at the end of the day.

Moral of the story: taking advantage of others is stupid, being honest is smart as the repercussions from using others can be more than we chew.

straight/gay friends

First of all, let me apologize for the delay in posting. i'm actually preparing for an exam, getting used to new schedule, working out, meeting friends, expanding my spiritual horizons and fulfilling my personal needs. I will blog more often after the exam ends.

i think when it comes to the rude and weird, no where else has more of those than the PLU community.

my previous post was about a str8 crush and skysky asked why we have to have str8 crushes. well here's why: because how often will a PLU guy care about you as a friend, help you out and basically treat you like a brother?

so far of all my PLU friends, only one has shown such sincerity and care towards me. but we're not lovers. just friends.

4-5 of my straight friends have shown a similar level of care and attentiveness. kumachan for example, will talk about how he finds me talking loudly in the lift inappropriate and embarrassing and that he is telling that to me because we are close and he cares. If i am in trouble and i approach him, he will never hesitate to help at all. he will always pick up the phone. He will always reply MSN messages. Things like that.

It's not how much love you declare to the other person that makes things worth it, but rather how much you really care about him.

I do understand that most gays are preprogrammed to only treat potential BFs well and the rest like crap. but really is there a need? As for me, as long as the guy dosent lie about his intentions and appearance and only trying to get into my pants, i am fine with him as a friend. Second layer tho is if we communicate and click. Can we get along? are there common topics to talk about? or will he just brush them off or stop replying? Or give one liners? It will all depend on the willingness of both parties to open up to each other and if one of the criterias is looks, then good luck in finding someone with good looks that can actually be nice towards average looking guys.

there is a blogger whom i have added to msn. previously i added him to facebook and i had no idea it was that blogger. we exchanged a few messages before, but presumingly after seeing my facebook pictures, he lost interest and never chatted much after that. Then, when i found him as a blogger, he did not know it was me and he did have some prompt email replies. When he found out that it was me again, the cold shoulder returns. He just simply stopped replying any more emails or IMs.

like what the hell is that? if you can write so well, why not have the courtesy to have a decent conversation with someone? or is it because i look too ugly for you? not worth your time to even write sorry we wont get along as friends? but can write so well in blog?

why do some gays find it ok to treat other gays like trash but when they're treated like trash they complain and whine about it. And they wonder why are they still single. Why cant some people see that another gay man is a friend that also needs care and friendship and that can give it out in return? Gay men are people too and not living breathing disposable dildos. I dont find anything wrong with ONS, but if its done indiscriminately and at the cost of relationships and with the attitude that guys are just free gigolos to exploit and you dont give a damm about how much they get hurt if you cut off all contact after sex and toss them out like a used condom, then be prepared to be single and lonely for a very long time. With STDs to boot. Thats the main reason why i stopped ONSing. It's not worth to hurt other guys and myself at the end of the day because i'll only feel like a worthless rag after the sex. rather do it with someone who sees me as a person.

Talking about ONS, since it is after all mating season, my hormones made me revamp my fridae profile. I chatted up a few gays and one of them looked attractive. I messaged him as he was staying near my place. And somehow or rather i talked about sex. And the time and date was set which was tomorrow. As I would pass by his place,i felt like just getting a glimpse of how he looked like and then decide. He sounded enthusiastic to meet me at first but then when i arrived he made me wait for 30mins before he turned up, and giving excuses like its not convenient for me to go up to his block because the neighbours doors are wide open and such. At the end when i met him, i got a total shock as he was ulgy and really different from the picture as if someone gave him an acid attack on the face. The body still looked good tho. I immediately cancelled the appointment and fled home in horror. It is kinda sad to see someone who needs to trick guys to have sex with them. Thank god i didint meet him and had sex right away. else i'll be traumatized again.

And you know what is the scary part? all of us could have end up like that 39 year old guy. We might be handsome now, but once thats gone what do we have if we have a sucky attitude? I have seen so many bitter and lonely gay men, and age isnt a problem here. Its the stinky attitude. Once upon a time, someone did tell me that he only wants gay friends and he does not trust straight people. But what if the gay friends only want his body and not him? And the straight guys see him as a brother rather than a walking dildo and helps him out in times of trouble? Whats gonna happen when he's old, alone and no longer have that killer body? So for every guy you snub, just think of what would you do if someone did the same to you. And eventually you'll close your heart to even your friends and all guys will only be walking dildos as people might be attracted at first, but at a closer look they see your disgusting personality.

But if we have a good personality we'll always have friends at least even if we cant win ourselves a lover. And since the heart is open, there is no need to trick guys into having sex with you and there will always be friends that will share your burden.

well this post is kinda long and heavy after the week-long absence, but i intend to write it because some people do need to wake up from the dream that they're the best guy in the world and that so many other guys are not worth their attention even tho they're sincerely in for friendship. Because in reality they're not attractive and their personality just makes them worse. At the end, people with good looks but with really disgusting personality are disgusting. So wake up from your dream. It's not your looks but your personality that matters.

the straight crush

that's what kumachan looks like in the office. adorable right?!

What happens when you get an adorable, caring str8 colleague who looks like a bear and behaves like one? you fall for him! He's secure, cool, smart, caring, funny and most importantly matured in thinking. but he's straight but yet not homophobic. It's so hard not to fall for someone like that okay. You can talk about any issue at all with him and he can still talk to you about it with a nice reply and has the most adorable smile and replies. He's dark and tanned, bear size, very huggable but you can never ever hug him coz he's straight. He declares that he cant ever have sex with a guy but he's okay with transsexuals (i still love my kukubird thank you and it's just a crush) and you know he's just being honest. He freaks out whenever you try to hit on him and keeps a distance until you pretend to ask him about...girls. With that the closeness returns. He can grunt to reply, sleeps a lot in office and eats a lot. Lets just call him kumachan since he looks like a bear. A malaysian sun bear. Except he is not hairy. He's 35 and still single. Lives alone. Mmmmmmm.

so apparently the fox drained his car battery on monday the 16th which is the aftermath of friday the 13th. The fox naturally panicked and called a lot of people, including kumachan. The fox got it solved at 8.15. The call happend at 7.30. And kumachan called on 11pm, right before the fox fell asleep after his tiring bodypump class.

.........................................................everyone said he was so sweet. but the fox thinks he's just dumdeedumdum and slow. But the fox still thinks he's adorable. Because he is just so caring. But so far rejected all of my requests to meet up after work or during weekends :(. He's so lazy that he would ask a colleague to pack lunch for him rather than go out to eat. And when he does he is lazy to think of where to go for lunch!!! adorable or not?!?!

That aside, the fox has a competition with a senior, which we'll call him the owl coz he's also fat like a cub and he's kinda knowledgeable and wise and all. The owl has a girlfriend but he seems to be extremely close to kumachan. They are always together and they always talk to each other... inseparable. Is this what they call bromance? But the owl is adorable in his own way, only thing is that he is too serious and deadpan. I like him too. Perhaps can have threesome one day in my dreams and i'm the ham. Kumachan can top coz at his age his dick would be a bit small. hehe.

But of course dreams can only be dreams. And life is only interesting if some fantasies remain as fantasies. Who knows if underneath the clothes he's really fugly?! hancur habis all the dreams. hurrrrrrrrr

appearances

Perfect skin on a guy! The fox would certainly love to have skin like that.

as men in general, appearances are very important to us. there is always something about how a person looks that would influence our judgement of that person. When dealing with people appearances always come first, and you can easily modify your appearance to bring the desired effect on people. It's even more important if you happen to be PLU. There is this need to always appear to be good, picking on every little flaw you have and repairing it. It's always the body or the hair, or the face that needs fixing to look like the picture perfect model of yourself. Sometimes it's the clothes. And because of this, there's the gym, the clothes, the skincare, the proper shampoo, the good stylist, etc, etc etc................

and we call these our needs.

but in reality do we really need this to have a good appearance? Or sometimes, would it be as simple as keeping the food we eat in check and having a positive attitude? I'd say it's a combination of both and its a 50/50 thing. First half would be the attitude and personality, followed by appearance. Average looking foxes like me have all the attitude and personality but is sorely lacking in appearance. Thats why need to make up for it with gymming, skincare, diet and so forth :(

It's because society demands its members to be presentable and neat to make an impression. And impressions can go far and carry us to faraway places either in the workplace or with friends. That is why.

But why do PLU guys tend to overdo the whole thing? Is it an obsession or because we're like women in a man's body?

or is it because, we need to work hard to impress other guys? or make our competitors jealous? is it an insecurity?

But anyhoo, the fox is totally smitten with getting clear and good skin. It all started when he saw his course trainer's boyfriend who had impossibly perfect skin for a guy on the face. No flaws! He's tried aesop and now wants to get it but it's waaay too expensive (at least at the moment). First the LV sling bag and now this?! what's wrong with the fox?! he has never acted this way before >_<" is he starting to lose his mind? The fox is really clueless now...