buh bye 2010

Godamm writer's block. yeah thats why i was quiet and shit! Aside than having a really nice lunch with strictlygay and the otters on xmas day and got some really sweet gifts from them even tho i didint bought any for them (very paiseh...was in blur state after sickness)

2010 was an interesting year. I met a lot of new friends and gained a lot of new experiences. Got my iphone 4. started this blog and met up with strictlygay aka calvin and im glad to say he is a close friend. met the otters and they're the few rare gays in the world that can be good friends. They represent a new generation of gays who dont look at guys as sex objects only but as friends, actual friends. it's a complete change from my generation of guys.

more importantly, this is the year where i have healed from my sexual abuse, enough to be in a relationship with another man. It's really a giant leap forward for me. But then again another problem comes up: that there's no right guy out there for me; not even a make do one. It opens up a whole new challenge to me: learning how to bond with another human being on a deeper level. But well, i am Bi after all so girls are an option. If that happens, i'll just comment on gay issues and wont really touch dick. lol. because its the person that matters. This is what happens when you let go of expectations and you widen your boundaries: more experiences: you just dont really place a fixed thing on stuffs. As my boundaries get repaired, i learn to not give in to guys physically after being hurt by doing so again and again. I'm gonna keep those stories to myself. But basically, dating older guys is a bit harder because they can spawn lots of mindgames and they know exactly what to do to talk you in and then ignore you.

It's very hard for me, at least, to understand how people bond with each other. I dont seem to understand the hows and whys. it would be a giant leap of faith for me to try and bond with people even as very close friends. So many questions and so little answers. It is scary but if im not gonna do it, i will never learn and if dont learn, i'll be all empty and hollow inside.

I managed to hold out sexually with a pact with the Goddess to hold out sex for around 6 months and kinda broke it. But it does feel good to not think about guys for that 6 months. Am thinking of holding it again this year and see what happens, but only longer. Also gonna cut down on self service and focus on other things in my life. Life is too short to care for the needs of my cock. There's too many better stuffs to focus on like spiritual life and also long term goals.

there are so many milestones that i have achieved this year, yet so many more that i need to achieve to at least reach a workable level of my life. Seemingly impossible goals: get scholarship and resume studies (hopefully in another country) or quit job to do spiritual stuff full time/freelance. i'm seeing less and less meaning in so many things. I'm not satisfied with my choice of work: feels like i need to do something else, or rather should be doing something else.

as far as relationships go, the amount of time and energy ive spent on guys so far could have been better spent elsewhere. Experiences are always good but in this case, too little experience for too high the price. Time better spent on self improvement and bonding with friends rather than with weird strangers.

but i guess this year has been good to me and a lot of effort has been spent on making sure it happens that way.

i hate my milestones. but they're the things that give me hope sometimes.

That kinda wraps up 2010 for me. Sorry for the long post, but think of it like the influx of passing motion after 2 days of constipation. And 5 minutes of laxatives.

Happy 2011 ahead!