Heavy thoughts for 2011

Sorry tuls, you'll probably not read this but here's another long and heavy post: after looking through at my goals for 2011, i found one that really made me happy: being chaste. As in turn off hunting mode and focus on other aspects on my life (which i was able to do for the first 8 months of 2010) but when i started seeing guys for dates, and having sex with them (because its okay to do it while dating, it shows that you're into r/ships and not just friends and once in the friends zone cant upgrade blah blah)...and i got depressed after being dumped and used by a few guys along the way...its like an addiction: guy A dumps you and then you look for the next one to offset the pain mana tau guy B also does the same and the pain builds up. So many broken promises and disappointing people and irresponsible behavior and selfishness: with gays its always me first me me me and i shall protect me even if the other guy hurts like hell. I wish to not be like this yet i keep encountering people who do this.

I found this quote while i was reading for something to alleviate my emotional pain:

Positive relationships sometimes can be wonderful. But you have to remember you are having a relationship with that person.

That person is the real object of your positive relationship. You don’t use that person to further a unhealthy relationship with yourself.

For some reason it made sense. And i dont think i want to get in a relationship if i would be using it to fuel my own agendas for one like getting sexually satisfied and just so that there's someone 'there' because i have that need. and i give my love to him/her/it for that purpose. then its like a mutual exploitation thing. The dating game is always fun but the rollercoaster crash is quite painful as well. Thats why some guys keep doing it and tricking guys into dating them and then dumping them after getting sex from these guys.

As for me, i just wanted to test my skills and see if they work. I am not afraid of a commitment but since i can convince myself to love anyone over time, it really isnt fair to the other guy. I admit i have been unsuccessful so many times, but it seems that im just doing it to prove something. I have been careful to not hurt their feelings, i did not when i was younger so this is probably the karma from that...

sexual needs aside, i can show the same care and affection to my friends and people around me, and not just to one person. i'll be doing just that from now on.

This song kinda sums up 2010...