jeudi 28 octobre 2010

sex buddies

since i love both serge gainsbourg (which calvin hates for composing songs based on classics) and bridgette bardot (too bad she's gone senile) why not i put a picture of both of them, or rather actors posing as them in a move about serge:

as we've all known, i never enjoyed any of my ONS encounters, simply because to them i am but a piece of meat.

However, on my recent horny trip, i downloaded grindr on my phone and met a guy that stayed nearby. Seems that he likes me and shares the same idea of being tired with one night stand encounters, but neither of us could find a BF. He rarely has sex with people (because of his age and not so flattering pics on the net) but has a cut cock (my fave!) and is kinda willing to commit to having me as his sex partner.

So after chatting over whatsapp and grindr, we've decided to meet on the evening. And my oh my. He drove a huge white Nissan, which impressed me in a way. He picked me up near my house as he was not sure of the exact location, i had to come out of my flat to meet him up (after telling him the directions and he had problems) and we went to a nearby cafe, and talked about our lives and work. He took out his wallet and keyholder, both original LV articles. I asked him the prices and he said 700 for the keyholder and 2k for the wallet and that the price was quite ok. When the drinks finished, i had to go to the toilet and he paid the bill and allowed the cafe staff to keep the change. (I've insisted to give him a blowjob to start things off prior, after he had agreed to be my sex buddy exclusively as my way of saying thanks and that i am serious.)

We went to his car and to a secluded parking spot with me holding his hand while he drove. We french kissed on my request, and soon after he exposed his beautiful cut cock to me. I gave him a very intense blowjob as he teased my nipples and moaned in ecstasy. He sucked mine too briefly. It was really, the most delicious cock ive sucked. There were no extra skin or flavorings that marred the performance. He never pushed my head down to deepthroat him despite me asking him to do so if he wanted to (previous bad experience: guys getting too high and gagging me with their cock, without my permission and extra flavors from the urine and whatnot). In the end, he jacked off a little and cummed. He really liked it as it was his first time in years. We french kissed 3 times, hugged and held hands as he fetched me home.

We exchanged a few more messages via whatsapp after that and then retired to sleep.

He didint replied his messages on the next morning and i got a bit worried but he did at the end due to a meeting....

so anyways, this was the first time i felt so right with a guy. He had money and was not afraid to spend it (he proposed that we have a full blown sex session at a hotel this weekend, on him, as we are both staying with parents) and he has a caring character. Being with a generous guy does make me feel a lot more secure in more ways than one, and he is charming.

I so hope this one goes along, even tho i am not capable of loving him but i do want to be with him and date and talk and have sex with....oh well see how things go.

mardi 26 octobre 2010

back from buzies!

its been a very stressful week which i am still recovering from. First, i had to study for an exam (and still am) and then work started to pile up and become more and more and then got office politics to handle. I feel like a working lesbian these days. Totally no time for personal life anymore. And have to be butch and all. And thats why lack of updates here.

i have been totally stressed out and horny these days and friends have been busy and all. I guess it is a bad period for everyone.

Paging out to the otters: free this sat?

dimanche 10 octobre 2010


I've been following the blog of a very wise man who has been the light of my life so far spiritually, and he's highlighted something that we may all want to consider:

Loneliness doesn’t come from being alone. Lonliness comes from knowing you’ve wasted your life on self indulgence and you haven’t done much for others or done much at all. So in that case you can go out for dinner and parties every night, but once you get home, lonliness will haunt you till you become bitter.
That's scary. Because who wants to go home with nothing and being bitter? But sadly many gay guys i know ARE lonely deep inside. They're hollow like a tree trunk. I think that sentence explains exactly why.

. Bitterness arises when you find you are too old, too sick, too lazy, too habituated, too comfortable to do something about it and people/peers around continue to grow and gain further success.

So that's why people become bitter. And i know a lot of people heading towards that direction.

Well something can be done.What? Curb your self indulgence now and do work that benefits others. Focusing on yourself all these years got you nowhere except false perceptions of having had fun and done something.. If fun was ‘it’, then you should be very successful and happy now.

The formula to avoid bitterness is to use your time wisely and not for only self indulgence. Self indulgence leads to eventual bitterness. Check it out.

But well there's hope on getting rid of loneliness. Sounds like the only way tho.

Just thought i'd share with people who read this blog that they need not feel lonely as well.

I really hope this helps.

vendredi 8 octobre 2010


Holy shit! looks like it is possible to like anal sex while being straight and being attracted to guys.

It's called Homosexual Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (HOCD)

Homosexual Obsessissive Compulsive Disorder (HOCD) is a form ofObsessive Compulsive Disorder in which the individual is preoccupied about being homosexual when, in fact, they are heterosexual.

Some will read this and think it is ridiculous. The truth is there are many sufferers who worry about being homosexual--and some actually are. Until society makes room for gays and lesbians and diminishes homophobia, these types of disorders will remain.

Sufferers of HOCD will be relieved to know this exists and can get the help they need.

Characteristics of HOCD which I found at

  1. Unwanted or intrusive thoughts about being homosexual
  2. Doubts of one's own actual sexuality
  3. Inability to get rid of unwanted worries or intrusive thoughts about being homosexual
  4. Seeing a member of the same sex causes anxiety and triggers unwanted thoughts about being a homosexual
  5. Avoidance of members of the same gender from fear of unwanted thoughts or anxiety about being attracted to them
  6. Thoughts or worries about giving off signals that one may be homosexual
  7. Repeating mundane actions for fear that these actions may have been performed in a "homosexual" way or a way that may signal homosexuality in the person (for example, a male may feel the need to get up from a chair and sit back down in it if he feels that the way he sat in the chair was "feminine," or a male may worry that the way he walks is too "feminine" or signals homosexuality)
  8. Repeating an action may relieve anxiety, but then the person feels the need to repeat the action (or ritual) again and again to relieve anxiety
  9. Anxiety over being a homosexual is in opposition to one's own values and desires
  10. One feels that the thoughts are unacceptable and inappropriate
  11. Homosexual thoughts are repulsive rather than arousing

Characteristics of Being Gay (not suffering from HOCD):

  1. Having feelings of attraction for members of the same gender (even if kept secret)
  2. Having sexual encounters with members of the same gender
  3. Preferring members of one's own gender for sexual/dating partners or feeling comfortable with both male and female sexual/dating partners
  4. Homosexual thoughts are pleasant, though a person may be shameful of their sexual orientation or keep it a secret

Sometimes a closeted gay individual can experience OCD symptoms until they fully come out. That is different than a heterosexual suffering from HOCD. There is no coming out process for someone who is straight other than with the fact that they are suffering OCD and need treatment.

Soooo...does this mean im not gay now?

I think its a complicated topic so i'll post a link:


When Sexual Abuse Masquerades as gay

Homosexual behavior doesn’t mean a man is gay or even bi, he can simply be left with an imprint to re-enact his abuse and find “pleasure” in what was inflicted on him as a child. This really isn’t pleasure at all, but trauma turned into orgasm.

In their book, Male Victims of Same-Sex Abuse: Addressing Their Sexual Response by John M. Preble and A. Nicholas Groth say it best:

. . . this may actually reflect an effort at mastery of the traumatic event . . . when he was being sexually victimized, someone else was in control of him sexually. During masturbation he is literally in control of himself sexually, and this may be a way in which he attempts to reclaim mastery over his own sexuality. Likewise, his participation in consensual sex reflects his choice and decision.

The authors go on to say that “the fantasy thoughts are prompted by fear more than desire, by anxiety more than pleasure.” In other words, they become a way of managing fear and anxiety. Larry is a good example.

mercredi 6 octobre 2010

Surviving Sexual Abuse

Recently, a friend asked me why cant i move on from my sexual abuse that i had when i was a child. I told him it is very hard to explain to someone who dosent understand the effects it has. It's never about the incident but rather the lingering effects it has. And so he told me to explain to him what is it like to be an abuse survivor. So I am doing a post on it here.

If you do have a chance to talk to a survivor who is strong enough to talk about the abuse, that is if you can ever connect to one and he actually trusts you, he will tell you that it is not about the actual incident itself but it is more of the crap that comes with it. When abuse happens at a very young age, the mind has no way of processing such events and blanks out the entire incident. However, the subconcious mind or id in modern psychology does not forget and start to avert people on a subtle level. This person does not even know what trust is, thus it is often very hard to connect to a survivor. Most survivors end up having low self esteem or blame themselves for what happened. Depression, DID and so on are not uncommon amongst survivors. They will also develop the tendency to have self harm. They may also blame others, or hate children because they have what they lost. Sometimes the body does not forget either and the victim may suffer from premature ejaculation, unexplainable pain in certain places, undescended testicles or even hormonal problems. Some men may be straight, but they develop physical reactions towards other men even when they dont feel anything. It's not exactly the easiest thing to deal with, at all.

All survivors suffer from something we term as triggers. Triggers are stimuli that provoke thoughts of the abuse and drive our emotions out of control, as well as starting a bout of depression. Triggers could be anything at all that reminds the survivor about the attack and/or the emotions related with the abuse. It brings the survivor to relive the tragedy once more. Most survivors often break down completely when triggered. And this is what prevents them from living a full life.

Often, survivors will feel that they have no more control over their life or body because it was forcibly taken away from them. It's a feeling that almost cant be overcome. It could be quite painful to deal with and face most of the time. Also, since it happened at such a young age most survivors would develop trust issues with people as the mind would wanna protect itself as it assumes that everyone is out to get it. And since its burnt into the mind, its extremely hard to convince it otherwise. That is why it is usually very hard for survivors to be in a relationship. Either that or the mind becomes overly trusting which is why, most survivors are easy targets for scams. Most survivors end up being bullied and loners because they just cant function socially and it is a huge handicap in today's society.

Society tends to be more sympathetic towards female survivors, but not really so towards males because they're expected to get over it and deal with it because they're the stronger sex. Also, if you're a survivor many people would automatically assume that you're gay. This makes it harder for the survivor to accept and deal with the condition. It also makes it a lot harder for a man to seek help for something that happened a long time ago, especially if there isnt much to start with.

Survivors, above all just want to live a normal life, while going through the mental issues that the abuse might have provoked. So you see, its not about feeling sorry and throwing a pity party of 'waaaah, i got raped at 5' and looking for sympathy and all, but looking for the missing pieces in the puzzle such as missing childhood and finding the life experience that defines adult life, as an adult. Most lack social skills and have problems communicating their feelings. Some of the comments that you should never make about a survivor are 'so are you gay now?' 'why cant you just move on?' 'you just made it all up for attention' because its just like telling a cancer patient 'oh gosh you have cancer! just put a plaster on it, grow some hair and heal!' it's not really helpful at all, and possibly very hurtful to the survivor.

so this is more or less, what surviving sexual abuse is in a nutshell. to support other survivors (mostly american) you could go here to learn more about male sexual abuse.