Disconnected

Okay, something on FB kinda triggered this post. It's about disconnection. It's a problem that plagued me since i was a child. And nothing, i repeat, nothing, except, maybe, the illusion of having a partner, can hold me off this one. One delusion to neutralize another. Fantastic, isnt it?

Ori article: (read 1st before reading mine)
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/10-signs-im-disconnected-from-myself-jayson-gaddis

The symptoms when im disconnected is when:

-  i start seeing myself without a mirror, like how one would watch a drama on a tv sscreen, except that im both the actor and the audience. Im just a character and im just watching myself do what im supposed to do and the director is someone else, and i'll be watching from afar, with popcorn or chips. When I make a mistake, its not really me, its that character, so how can i be responsible?

- i lose track of time. in my brain, for example, it would still be last saturday and my brain would operate based on the fact that it is last saturday, when today is already wednesday. i hate this a lot and it messes up my ability to deliver work accurately. But it happens and yup, i have to deal with it..missed deadlines, opportunities, meetups, etc.

- antisocialness: I dont really see the need to talk to people and this is also the period where people report that i have 'negative' vibes or bad energy. But really, its really that i dont want to talk to them during that time, because i feel like i need to be isolated. Even if you're a close friend, this might 'happen' all the same. there will be an invisible but apparent barrier between me and people around me.

- Major depression. not a mystery, this one. Anyone can tell. But sometimes can be mistaken as self pity  when the brain is just stuck in a logic loop.

- Anger/frustration/fatigue/giving ups/suicidal thoughts - a result of the previous point. yes i do feel fed up when im in this state of mind and there's very little that can be done to quell it.

- The inability to decide. My decision making ability gets disabled, or rather, that part of my mind that decides things shuts down and i cant revive it. When this happens, i really need professional help as it might cause me to actualize my suicidal thoughts. Also the time where i'll make lots of wrong decisions, such as buying stuff i cant afford/dont need, talking to people in a bad way, etc.

- i forget things, such as forgetting to eat, forgetting things where they are placed, making mistakes in what i am doing, forget what i wanted to say, forgot why i went to the cabinet, etc etc, its like i can remember before and after, but not in between. FML. Can take hours or days before i can recall. Or I never recall.

- self loathing: i hate myself and therefore, i should die, and therefore, i should let other people do things i dont want to do on my body because i deserve it, therefore i deserve to be unhappy, etc etc etc.

- paranoia. xxx is against me. yyy is doing zzz and it will cause me to fail. i'm gonna fail and im gonna die (ties in with suicidal thoughts) i have no friends. i can trust no one.

- hearing voices or sometimes seeing characters, and nonstop surreal dreams to the point i cant tell which is real or not, its like having a radio stuck in your head the whole day because sometimes it can be songs from an unknown or known source playing in your head nonstop. Can be distracting at times. Sometimes its the phrase "but you're already dead", repeated throughout the day, week or month.

- the feeling that the earth is sinking/taking the wrong step/im drowning and needing to swim up/suffocation - the most 'exciting' side effect, usually happens during sleep

- the 'where am i, what am i' question. Sometimes in the middle of something i lose track of what i am doing and suddenly find myself doing that thing and i have no idea of what happened. also very tiring and draining to handle. I can read what i have written in the past and tell myself "but that's not me. why is he using my name and handle?"

When i get into one of these cycles, its almost impossible to get out of it, literally. It can take months for me to come out of one. Sometimes I visualize the spiritual guide, or sometimes i force myself to feel. Sometimes both methods fail, sometimes it works..either way, it is tiring having to deal with all of these.

kill me already, because its been 20+ years and i still have to deal with this.

I am not sick, just need at least, some of these symptoms to go down, and i'll be fine.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy

I'm tired of driving 'till I see stars in my eyes

I look up to hear myself saying,

Baby, too much I strive, I just ride

I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast

I am alone in the night

Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble, but I

I've got a war in my mind

I just ride

Just ride, I just ride, I just ride

I just want to fucking let everything go and ride with what i want.

But I cant because there will be people that i will hurt if i do so.

You don't want the truth the truth is boring

I've got this fever, need to

Leave the house

Leave the car

Leave the bad men where they are

I leave a few shells in my gun

N' stop me staring at the sun....

Just a shell through my brain to stop everything.

A not so fun flashback

It's 5.30am and I have not sleep yet. Unfortunate choice of coffee made me stay up the whole night...the restaurant I went to earlier was probably using some pretty strong coffee blend. Ordinary blends cant keep me up, but this one seems to do that and upset my stomach at the same time. In any case, this post is just to record a lil milestone I have with  myself.

The last sexual contact I had with someone I did not have connections with was 4 months ago. And I do not plan to do it with anyone else because I've managed to solve what I needed to solve in the first place -- my insecurity. i was pretty convinced that I was the most unwanted creature around and as such, should give myself freely to others....but I guess, after a confession by someone overseas...it made me think why should i hurt myself in this way anymore. You see, the last few encounters I had was anything but pleasant. I was in pain and he didint want to stop. It was literally, rape. But I brought it to myself...I thought that by going through this, my fear of sex and people would go away...that I should face my fears of having physical relations with a man...but it got addictive and it helped distract the unhappy things away from me. Now, it was different and I feel that I should not harm myself in that way anymore.  There was no need for that. Why should I harm myself when there are people who really care about me? Sadly, it did not work out with the overseas guy because....I am unable to commit myself to an unstable person. Not to mention that I was not ready and he was forcing his way in without giving me a chance to know him better. But it is okay..he is a nice person and shortly after the failure, he found a replacement for himself. Hope the best for him!

For the past few weeks, it has been the same nightmare that pops up during a random night. me getting raped over and over by my boyfriend...and when i begged him he just told me to shut up and its my duty to pleasure him. My insides hurt...my genitals hurt...it was horrible and it was unable to stop. It was a cold, piercing fear inside and brought back unhappy memories. I thought I've gotten past it...I've 'prepared' myself with all the sex i had with men and it should not bother me anymore. I'm the type that will keep poking on a wound until it stops hurting -- because i numbed myself to it. Obviously, the fear is real and still there. It did not work. Clearly, I am still afraid despite having done it hundreds of times, and I do not understand why....perhaps, all of them were bad experiences. The act was not out of love but self loathing.

I am afraid to be someone's partner. I do not want to be raped. I am afraid of the drama. I do not want to be destroyed mentally or physically. If i shatter now, I will not be able to piece myself again. I will not seek physical relations again...it only made things worse. For a while, I thought, to stop the sex addiction, it would be for me to find a partner. That way, I will not be hurt by people who dont care again and I will be grounded. I got obsessed and wanted it for a while based on that reasoning. But now I dont need it anymore because there are people who care about me..people who actually care and tell me the situations..people who nurture me patiently...people who is willing to take blames for me... and I cannot let them down. I will be strong for them and I will protect myself for them so that I do not end up being useless, broken junk like I was before. If someone cared for me and shows it consistently....I will do everything I can to protect them...help and nurture them...its just how I am.

i am in love with someone and he loves me too. He has been hurt so many times and I want to be protect him and heal him and nurture him... he does not want to commit at the moment. But we will take things slow, although sometimes the intense feeling of wanting to commit to someone who will not hurt me...is very strong...but i know i am not ready. If it happens now, it will fall apart. Both of us need time, but for now, withholding my feelings is painful. But I got to grow up. I will not hurt him or pressure him. He will come to me when he is ready. He is not the same person that appeared in my nightmare. I want to be with him...but in the future. Coz I want to learn to love, and to protect. And to heal. I'll do what I can now.

until then, I'll just be who I am. The sex is not me. I am not a slut. I am not someone obsessed with relationships. Those are my insecurities talking, and they are gone. It felt like a breakthrough of sorts. The love from my Spiritual Guide and all my colleagues from my spiritual home and also from him helped me push through. It felt like a new chapter in life. Everything is kinda different because I have a role...a place that I belong to. A place that I can fit in to. That was all I ever needed to be normal.

There's a legend that says that when a fox becomes ten times as wise and as mature as before, he will grow another tail to represent his experience. I feel like I will earn my 13th tail soon....hopefully. But now, it is just a stump, growing out with the others.

The Fox

A Fox Called Gon   Once upon a time there was a place called Nakayama and a lord called Nakayama-sama ruled the land. And up in the mountains not far away from the Nakayama castle lived a fox called Gon. This little fox was living all alone in a hole he had dug in the ferny forest. He was the kind of fox who liked to play tricks on people. Day after day he would sneak into nearby villages and get into some sort of mischief. He'd go to the fields and dig up mountain potatoes. He'd set fire to rape flowers laid out to dry. And he'd steal red peppers hanging in the back causing quite a commotion. -- One autumn day, it started raining and it didn't stop for three days. Gon Fox was forced to squat in his hole and wait out the rain before he could resume his mischief-making. When the rain finally stopped, Gon crawled out of his hole with a sigh of relief. It was a beautiful sunny day and the butcherbird were screeching high up in the blue sky. Gon decided to scout down along the stream near the village. The pampas grass was still glistening with raindrops. The stream, which usually just trickled down the rocks, was swollen from three days' rainfall. The pampas grass and bush clover by the stream were all bent under the yellow rapids.  


   As Gon walked down stream following the muddy bank, he spotted a man working on something in the river. Gon quickly hid behind some tall grass and peeked out. "Hey, it's that Hyojuu guy," Gon thought to himself. A man by the name of Hyojuu was waist-deep in the water, shaking a fish net. He had his tattered dark kimono tucked up to his waist. A round bush clover leaf was stuck on the side of face like a huge mole. Hyojuu lifted up one end of the fish net, which was bulging with things. Gon could see some brushwood roots, grass leaves, rotten chips and other junk, but what caught his eye were some shiny wriggly white things. "A-ha. I spy the belly of a fat eel and large carp." Hyojuu dumped the eel and several carp into a creel. Then he dipped the net back into the water. And a little while later Hyojuu got out of the water, set the creel on the riverbank, and went upstream to look for something.     As soon as Hyojuu was out of sight, Gon crept out from behind the grass and hurried to the creel to look over the contents. "What a prize this is. Wouldn't it be fun to throw all these fish downstream, away from Hyojuu's net." Gon reached into the creel and threw the fish back into the water. "And now it's time to throw the eel back in the river. Come here, you little devil." Gon tried to get hold of the fat eel but it was too slippery. Frustrated, Gon bit into its head, but the eel fought back and immediately wrapped itself around Gon's neck. At that moment, Gon heard Hyojuu's voice from afar: "You thief. Stay right where you are." "Uh-oh. I'd better get out of here. But first I need to get this nasty eel off my neck." Gon tried to shake the eel off his neck but it wouldn't let go. Gon had no choice but to leap into the tall grass and run for his life.   

   "Stop. You dirty thief. Wait. Stop. Wait." "I think I'm safe now. Whew, That was a close one." When he finally looked from his hole under the birch tree, Hyojuu was nowhere in sight. Relieved, Gon crushed the head of the eel in his mouth, yanked it off his neck and left it on the grass outside his hole.  

  About ten days later, Gon was passing by the back of farmer Yasuke's house and he spotted Yasuke's wife through the fig tree putting dark makeup on her teeth. And as he was passing by the back of blacksmith Shinbei's house, Gon saw Shinbei's wife combing her hair. Then he walked by Hyoju's place........ a small run-down house with a red well in front of it. A lot of people had gathered there and the women were all dressed up in formal kimono. "Oh, my. It's a funeral. I wonder who died in Hyoju's family." Around noon, Gon went down to the village graveyard and hid behind six statues. It was a beautiful day and in the distance he could see the Nakayama castle roof shining under the sun. The amaryllis were in full bloom making the graveyard ground look like a scarlet carpet. Then came the sound of a bell from the village. The funeral procession was ready to start. Soon Gon saw people in white kimono marching in the procession into the graveyard, murmuring, thier feet trampling the amaryllis. Gon craned his neck to see what was going on. There was Hyojuu in a formal white kimono setting a wooden tablet on the grave. Hyojuu's face, which had always been full of life, seemed drawn.   

   "Hmm,Hyojuu's mother must have died." "Hyojuu's mom must have told him she wanted to eat some eel. That's why Hyojuu went and took his eel. So Hyoju couldn't give his dying mother her last wish. Oh my, I did a terrible thing." Gon went to Hyojuu's house the next day and hid behind the toolshed. There was Hyojuu rinsing wheat at the red well. "Now that his mother is gone, Hyojuu is all alone in the world. Well, that makes two of us. " 

  "Sardines for sale, everybody. Fresh from the ocean." Gon was just about to leave when his ears perked up. He heard a fishmonger's voice in the distance. Gon hurriedtoward the voice. The fishmonger was walking by the back door of Yasuke's house. Yasuke's wife shouted back to him."Hey. I'll have some of those sadines." The man parked his cart on the roadside and took some fish into Yasuke's house. -- Gon knew exactly what to do. He grabbed some sardines and ran to Hyojuu's backdoor. Then he threw the fish into his house and hurried home. He turned around half way up the hill and saw the tiny Hyojuu still rinsing the wheat at the red well. Gon was proud of himself. He had wanted to make up for stealing the eel and this was the first good thing he had done.  

  The next day, Gon gathered a bunch of chestnuts in the forest and carried them to Hyojuu's house. Gon peeked in through the back door and found Hyojuu staring off into space in the middle of his lunch, with a rice bowl in his hand. There was a scratch on Hyojuu's cheek. Just then Hyojuu started muttering to himself. "Who in the heck threw those sardines in my house? That sardine monger was really mad at me. He thought I stole his damn fish." -- Gon's heart skipped a beat. "He must have gotten beat up." Gon left the chestnuts by the toolshed door. The following day and the day after that, Gon gathered more chestnuts and took them to Hyojuu's house. And the day after that he added to the delivery a few matsutake mushroomes.  

  It was a moonlit night and Gon decided to go for a stroll. He was walking below the Nakayama castle when he heard some people coming down the road. Gon hid himself on the side of the road and waited for the people to go by. It was Hyojuu and farmer called Kasuke. "you know something Kasuke?" "No, what?" "There's something strange going on." "Like what?" "Well, ever since my mother died, someone has been bringing me chestnuts and matsutake mushrooms." "really? Who's that?" "I have no idea. He comes and leaves them at my door.." "You're kidding." "No kidding. If you don't believe me, come over tomrrow and see for yourself. I'll show you chestnuts." "Huh. Well, what do you know." Suddenly Kasuke looked back. Gon stopped dead in his tracks, but Kasuke didn't see him and hurried on. The two men finally arrived at farmer Kichibei's house and went in. Gon could see a light through the paper door and the shadow of a man's shaven head. "It's a sutra chanting ceremony." Gon thought to himself, squatting by the wall. Three more people arrived and went into the house. Then a voice began to chant a sutra. Gon dicided to wait until the rite was done.  
  The next day Gon carried more chestnuts to Hyojuu's house. Since Hyoju was out in the toolshed making rope, Gon decided to slip through the backdoor of his house. But just then Hyoju looked up and saw the little fox go into his house."That Gon Fox is back again. First the eel, now what? I'll show him a thing or two."Hyojuu stood up, picked up his musket and loaded it with gunpowder. Hyojuu stalked toward the backdoor and just when Gon was coming out, he shot the little fox. Gon fell to the ground. Hyojuu rushed up to the fox and then took a look in the house. There on the dirt floor was a pile of chestnuts. "Wha-?" Hyojuu looked down at Gon in surprise. "So it was you, Gon. You are the one that brought me the chestnuts." Gon nodded his head weakly with his eyes closed. Hyojuu dropped his rifle and it fell with a clatter on the ground. Thin blue smoke was still rising from its barrel.  

The End


----------------------------


Somehow, and all the time, I do feel that I am Gon. I am tired that, no matter how much and how hard I try i will always mess up or that it will not turn out right. And eventually, people will misunderstand me.


I wish that my ending is like Gon's, but thats not gonna happen so life goes on. 


Oh well.


This is why I call myself the little fox. because i am like him in so many ways and i've hurt enough people..

The wound

I got an IM message from a friend that has not kept in contact for almost a year. He needed some urgent help with something he got himself into. He had no one around to turn to so he turned to me. He asked me if i could be there. It was 1am. I was also running into some issues myself with other things. But I agreed. I am very well familiar with the feeling of pain, despair and loneliness when nobody is there when i do need somebody, so i went. It was a chance to take away from others the pain that i have experienced so many times....it would be nice to be able to do that for someone else. It was a 20 minute drive.

I took care of him, patted his back, got him drinks, made me take meds until he got better. I fell asleep beside him when he fell asleep too.

Then suddenly I woke up with a tight pain around my chest. I looked down. My hand was holding a huge glass shard. My fingers were all cut and bloodied. The glass shard was stabbing repeatedly, unconsciously at my heart. There was a hole....the ribs were broken and sticking out...and there was a mash of flesh but a hole was there...and i was pounding at my own heart with the glass shard....again and again...until my heart looked like a well-pounded, scar-filled piece of meat. The pain started to come in....of the heart..the fingers, the chest..the ribs and it was unimaginable....as if the anesthesia or some sedative was starting to fade. I felt so helpless....someone please help me fill that hole...repair my heart...because i cant use my hand anymore...the fingers hurt...

The pain woke me up and I realize it was all a dream but the pain persisted. I looked around. I looked at my phone. It was 4.30am. My friend woke up from his slumber. I asked him if he was allright and he was so I went back home...still with the persistent pain in my heart from the "wound".

I have a huge emotional hangup about honesty with friends. Because too many of them had lied to me in the past. I've let go of that now and accepted that its okay for people to have small lies...because i lie sometimes too, to protect people's feelings and to make sure situations dont get out of hand. But it does dig me. I just need someone to fill up the hole in my emotional self....thats the reason why i keep longing for a partner. But no one will ever be able to....been waiting for so long for someone and nobody came. I'll just have to find my own way around it.

In helping my friend...i saw a part of myself which i normally cannot see. I've been getting myself into painful situations because I hated myself..it was the only way i knew with dealing with the pain of being alone sometimes and having no friends I can share with because i scared all of them away. Nobody would truly accept me and show me their trust....because i hated myself. Beneath the character that was me was actually a person who has been eating himself up alive...i just need help to get out of it. I kept waiting for someone to take away some of my pain but nobody showed up..nobody ever did so now i need to get myself out of it.

Now I realize how much my own pain has been damaging and hurting people around me.

Because my spiritual family deserves me. And I deserve them.

Because the spiritual teacher cares and loves. I am no longer alone.

It started when the Goddess left, so it will take sometime to heal.

Dosent mean I can stop caring for my friends even with the hole, or stop being who I am.

I have a reason to be better now.

I just want the pain to go away for now and I'll be a better person.

But please dont trust me because you'll get hurt....and I dont want that to happen...

I just need someone to trust me despite all of my ugly mistakes and I wont repeat them and I can truly be who i can....trust heals...but i can imagine why nobody wants to ever again.