I got an IM message from a friend that has not kept in contact for almost a year. He needed some urgent help with something he got himself into. He had no one around to turn to so he turned to me. He asked me if i could be there. It was 1am. I was also running into some issues myself with other things. But I agreed. I am very well familiar with the feeling of pain, despair and loneliness when nobody is there when i do need somebody, so i went. It was a chance to take away from others the pain that i have experienced so many times....it would be nice to be able to do that for someone else. It was a 20 minute drive.
I took care of him, patted his back, got him drinks, made me take meds until he got better. I fell asleep beside him when he fell asleep too.
Then suddenly I woke up with a tight pain around my chest. I looked down. My hand was holding a huge glass shard. My fingers were all cut and bloodied. The glass shard was stabbing repeatedly, unconsciously at my heart. There was a hole....the ribs were broken and sticking out...and there was a mash of flesh but a hole was there...and i was pounding at my own heart with the glass shard....again and again...until my heart looked like a well-pounded, scar-filled piece of meat. The pain started to come in....of the heart..the fingers, the chest..the ribs and it was unimaginable....as if the anesthesia or some sedative was starting to fade. I felt so helpless....someone please help me fill that hole...repair my heart...because i cant use my hand anymore...the fingers hurt...
The pain woke me up and I realize it was all a dream but the pain persisted. I looked around. I looked at my phone. It was 4.30am. My friend woke up from his slumber. I asked him if he was allright and he was so I went back home...still with the persistent pain in my heart from the "wound".
I have a huge emotional hangup about honesty with friends. Because too many of them had lied to me in the past. I've let go of that now and accepted that its okay for people to have small lies...because i lie sometimes too, to protect people's feelings and to make sure situations dont get out of hand. But it does dig me. I just need someone to fill up the hole in my emotional self....thats the reason why i keep longing for a partner. But no one will ever be able to....been waiting for so long for someone and nobody came. I'll just have to find my own way around it.
In helping my friend...i saw a part of myself which i normally cannot see. I've been getting myself into painful situations because I hated myself..it was the only way i knew with dealing with the pain of being alone sometimes and having no friends I can share with because i scared all of them away. Nobody would truly accept me and show me their trust....because i hated myself. Beneath the character that was me was actually a person who has been eating himself up alive...i just need help to get out of it. I kept waiting for someone to take away some of my pain but nobody showed up..nobody ever did so now i need to get myself out of it.
Now I realize how much my own pain has been damaging and hurting people around me.
Because my spiritual family deserves me. And I deserve them.
Because the spiritual teacher cares and loves. I am no longer alone.
It started when the Goddess left, so it will take sometime to heal.
Dosent mean I can stop caring for my friends even with the hole, or stop being who I am.
I have a reason to be better now.
I just want the pain to go away for now and I'll be a better person.
But please dont trust me because you'll get hurt....and I dont want that to happen...
I just need someone to trust me despite all of my ugly mistakes and I wont repeat them and I can truly be who i can....trust heals...but i can imagine why nobody wants to ever again.
