psycho healing

The fox has finally found a psychologist that will do pro-bono on him and he's been attending 2 sessions so far. The most ironic part would be that he found it on grindr. Yes i use grindr, but only when im really bored, and i only meet up with people who are friends only at shopping malls now. no more inhouse or in hotel meetups. Sex has never been an important agenda so far.. its just not worth it anymore. I'm too old to do that even though i am still single.

The whole sessions seemed to have gone smoothly so far, but it's more or less baby steps for me to improve myself. A little puddle of calmness in my head if you will. For me to think a while, step back and just improve for once. He's just helping me like myself more: if not nothing much can really improve. It hasnt been for the past 2 years or so because i was adapting to working life and the stress of it all, especially when it comes to dealing with colleagues and working with them and understanding how they work. Personally, i dont like that but dealing with it as i roll, and every day i keep hoping that it'll be better, but sadly new surprises await either on a weekly or monthly basis.

Its still not easy to open up to a psychologist: i cant seem to tell him about the deeper issues plaguing me yet. But what he has helped me understand about myself has made me feel more comfortable about myself and i do feel a little happier these days. And yeah. I just needed some help in that department before i can actually make proper decisions about myself and everything else but as usual, help never really comes easy. At this moment, if i do get in an emotional mess, it would be very, very hard for me to recover. Actually, that has been the way for the past 2 years due to lack of help etc, to like myself better. It's been a very long and hard journey that i've been wishing to end for the longest time. Just that i wont because i want to see how much more longer i can go.

I'm thankful i have friends that tell me what i need to hear once in a while to help kick my bum up a little every once in a while. You dont really get friends like that often. People that stand up for you even when everyone else sees you as an accursed monster to avoid, just because you suck at social skills are to be commended indeed. This self hating issue has got to stop because i'll just keep engaging in self harm -- sleeping around with guys is my way of cutting or stabbing myself, because i want to feel hurt and treated like trash...sometimes. It's almost stopped (if we want to include unwilling encounters) because i've started to deal with some issues and love myself more. So if i work on them more, it'll be better.

Why would i go back to a place where i am unwanted by the people there because i pulled out some very silly mistakes in the past to them? I do know they still hate me, but i just enjoy whatever there is for now and take it as self betterment. Or at least that is what i thought i could do until it's starting to affect me emotionally...which is bad. Sometimes i do ask myself every once in a while why am i there? And then i told myself im not there to make friends -- i'm there for a reason. Even if i am very, very far from it, but nevertheless i still want it. Sometimes, i am not sure if i should keep trying or give up but i still show up every now and then. I dont blame them, i didint know any better back then and in reality, nothing changes or softens a mistake that kept repeating in a way, no matter how spiritual they may be. I know, we all expect that spiritual people would be more forgiving, but thats not the case...thats just reality. *shrug*

thats just one of the few issues that i am dealing with. That and me planning to move out of my parents home sooner or later. I'll need to ask a few friends on the preparations tho. Opinions so far is that its not too financially viable yet with my current pay but i'll see how things go. It's time that i kinda live my own life, if not here in KL somewhere else like Singapore or some english speaking country. Australia maybe. But then i'll have to give up on that place i have mentioned before, which i am not too willing just yet. I dont give up, because if i did, i would have been dead by now. Even if it looks like i really, really should. But no.

yeah, getting more lucid and clearer these days :)

i love this song, kinda sums up my life in a way, except im not perfect. The psychologist told me to not be perfect, but just be the best person i can ever be which does...help me feel better about myself in so many ways...

I've been through quite a bit but really, its never enough. But still this song is like a pat on my back in some way. It does make me feel that its okay...

fanmail

I dont get much fanmail, but this one takes the cake:

from [Obviously fake email and handle]

to xiaokitsune@gmail.com

date Sat, Feb 19, 2011 at 8:12 PM

subject what the fuckckkkkkkkkkkkk!?!!!

mailed-by hotmail.com

hide details 8:12 PM (41 minutes ago)

seriously , are u fucking crazy? how can u even do that to a guy that size .WHY did you do it in the first place ? dont u know that ur putting urself in danger by doing that to a guy that is sick, is like digging ur grave? seriously , plse dont be a slut .

Why are you so desperate for sex and love ? cant u wait and let time take its cause ?Joining gayromeo and sites like that to find people , CMON LAH!!!!! Most people there are looking for SEX , SEX , SEX AND SEX! They dont care for love

Please live up to ur blog entries and dont do stupid things .Get out , make friends , have clean fun like sports .....IF U EVEN WANNA DATE , MIX AROUND WITH UR GAY BLOGGERS AND LET THEM MATCHMAKE , NOT GO FOR PEOPLE IN GAY ROMEO .You are still so young , dont get into truble in a young age .Jesus christ , use ur brain

BY THE WAY , I AM STRAIGHT , AND THIS IS MY ADVICE.

=========================================================

He reads gay blogs and claim to be straight. LOL. And how does he know about gayromeo's guys looking only for sex if he has not posted there before? hehehehahahhahaha omg

We all make mistakes sometimes, and i choose to make this one because i need

to go thru some experiences because ive used something similiar to lead on guys in the same way, so i'll need to go thru this as karma.

I go through this and warn others so that younger and more innocent gays wont have to walk the same road i did.

It's usually different for gay guys: dates usually come with sex, especially when the other person wants to know you more.

Because during sex you cant hide your personality and it just shows what type of person you are. Are you the type who will make the effort? or just wait to be served? are you forceful? submissive?

It's part and parcel of gay life unless i've decided to not meet anyone anymore, or stick to meeting virgins and bloggers (by the way, 75% of them are kinda hard to contact, either that or they dont like me)

best of all, i know how to get myself out of trouble and not to get irreversible damage. So yeah.

its actually different being gay and straight. as gay guys:

- rejections, phobia and discriminations from str8 guys

- led on to a relationship by prince charmings and then get dumped the next day, usually after sex

-met drama queens who block you in msn for telling them to be careful of boyfriends who commit on the 2nd date

-suffer heartbreaks from broken promises by other guys, even as friends.

- being used and abused for sex by guys who promise to be friends or your boyfriend

etc etc

I'm really not desperate, but it is an experience that has made me appreciate myself and my life more.

Also, in more times than one, meeting up with someone may end up with something you did not expect from the encounter because most gays dont like to keep their promises. It can be out of our control sometimes that is why i feel it is not fair for a straight guy to comment on gay life.

However i do thank you for your concern, reader, and yea i appreciate your feedback in leading a better example. However, i will also need to show people what happens when they do make a mistake: trauma. I've recovered from it tho and wont be going near guys from gayromeo for the time being.

nasty experience

Every gay guy has at least one nasty encounter in their dating adventures. I have several, but the recent one proved to be one of the nastiest ones, ever. I'm talking about it because there are lessons to be learnt here, and that i am not angry or whatsoever.

I met this guy with average looks and body 3 days ago through gayromeo. I was taken in by his headline which said something about love not being about finding the perfect person but making the imperfect perfect. Omg relationship material! So i messaged him and we exchanegd a few messages. He was due to move to somewhere my place but his house is being renovated and will only be complete at the end of the month. As we exchanged messages, i found out that he was 33 and he just came back from the US, and he's staying here in KL. His ex of 8 years died of cancer in the US and that he can be very loyal to someone. Okay lah, he's worth talking to so we exchanged phone numbers.

After some flirting and exchange of messages, he was sick. After the 4th message, he kept begging me to meet up with him. Incessantly. That he would like to meet me on that night itself after work. Soon he found out that i was on leave and he begged me to come to him even more. I finally relented just to stop his complaining because i realize it will continue for the entire day until i actually met him, which by the way is in YMCA hostel in brickfields...i asked him to take LRT but he said he was sick. What about me? I'm sick and he wants me to drive in the hot sun....right. But i obliged.

He told me that he had gained alot of weight, from 65kg to 80kg. So i asked him for his recent picture. He refused as he wants me to like him for who he is. I told him i just wanted to know what to expect. He said ulgy fat guy. I kinda mentally prepared myself, but turns out that he's a chub that is at least 110kg heavy. He was clad in his tees and towel, and gave me a hug, which was the precursor for sex....

It was terrible. He shoved his humongous tits into my face..i was pretty sure they were breasts whenever he wanted me to suckle. he never asked if i was a dairy queen. He did it repeatedly and it was disgusting. He also kissed me repeatedly even though he knew he had a flu (lucky i didnt catch it, he even told me that my body resistance will be strong enough and i wont get it from him.) He rubbed my penis between his legs without lube and it did hurt. He did not care at all even tho i was disgusted and i noticed he had a skin tag on one of his nipples (ugh! omg!). I asked for a break after a while and he kept saying that it was making love and not sex. He continued to make me suckle his nipples until i said i had enough. And when i said i did, he said he wanted me to cum and i told him no. Then he went on and on about how its good for health and it helps with heatiness and all. So i got bored and just allowed him. It ended with us talking more and lunch. He claimed that the doctor told him he was healthy despite his fats (errr) and that he fattened himself up to stop people from liking him as he was depressed about his ex's death (uh, there are so many other ways of not getting gays to fall in love with you, just start deleting your profiles online dearie and stop visiting gay bars) and he was 3 times his current size (then did they have to move you around in a crane back then?) and he is reducing now to play the sports he once liked.

The story did not end there. After a few SMS exchanges the next day, and around 8:

him: Still at office

20mnins later

him: Hi had your dinner yet? What are you doing now

me: I'm attending a class right now. how bout you

him: just got out of the police station. i was robbed

me: omg are you okay? what did you lost

him: personal laptop and rm800 (i did not see any laptop around that day) i'll have to stop smsing now, credit running now and no money to reload. i only have a few cents with me.

me: take care, calm down and dont be too sad over the losses

him: bank only opens on monday

me: they open on saturdays half day

him: not all banks <---LOLWUT

me: bye and take care

no credit somemore SMS me 3 times. At the not all banks part, i realize that he was clearly trying to get me to go over to his place, again. And my money as well. why cant you tell your boss so that he would provide you with emergency funds? (he says the company that hired him wanted him to start work immediately) why tell me about it? Calvin says its a conjob. And i agree: too many loopholes. The sex showed that he is a selfish person that only cares about himself (i did tell him off the next day that i had insomia the night before and a full day the next day and yet he insisted on me cumming solely for his own pleasure...and he said "are you blaming me now? its okay i understand") and the amount of mindgames he played showed that he is good at getting people to do what he wants. And he does not consider about other people at all. He likes to use people. And the robbery part....its too obvious sorry to say that it is a lie...nobody tells someone they know for only 2 days about their robbery...i wouldnt do that or hint for money. even if my family is not in malaysia. What if it's real? well...if it is, i would have not caved in because i barely know him enough to lend him anything.

so boys and girls, or rather girls, be careful and dont be too trusting of people...think it over and get a 2nd opinion. Older guys are very good at mindgames and so are younger ones. It doesent take much for someone to convince you that you're in love with them so be on guard. Be careful when meeting with people or taking their word.

Fewd Memeh

Thanks for the tag, calvin!

btw im vegetarian :D

1. Are you a good cook? Need practice. havent really cooked much yet

2. What is your specialty? Ala Carte dishes (veggies, mushrooms and everything else in between)

3. What was the last meal you ate? Granny's beehon

4. Do you eat breakfast? No coz i'll sleep if i do

5. Name a food you dislike. Meat of exotic animals, and vegetarian mock meat (ugh!!)

6. What is your favourite fast food restaurant? McD (just the ice cream)

7. Where do you like to eat with your friends? Most Medium class restaurants ( japanese restaurants, or italianese, TGI etc)

8. Burger or hot dog? Vegetarian burger

9. Are you a coffee or tea drinker? Only the best of both

10. If someone surprised you with a meal, what would please you most?

Good company and appropriate drinks with decent food.

I tag:

Eric, Little Dove, dancerboy, Skyhawk, Dinoric

Now tag 5 bloggers whom you want them to post about this meme too.