psycho healing

The fox has finally found a psychologist that will do pro-bono on him and he's been attending 2 sessions so far. The most ironic part would be that he found it on grindr. Yes i use grindr, but only when im really bored, and i only meet up with people who are friends only at shopping malls now. no more inhouse or in hotel meetups. Sex has never been an important agenda so far.. its just not worth it anymore. I'm too old to do that even though i am still single.

The whole sessions seemed to have gone smoothly so far, but it's more or less baby steps for me to improve myself. A little puddle of calmness in my head if you will. For me to think a while, step back and just improve for once. He's just helping me like myself more: if not nothing much can really improve. It hasnt been for the past 2 years or so because i was adapting to working life and the stress of it all, especially when it comes to dealing with colleagues and working with them and understanding how they work. Personally, i dont like that but dealing with it as i roll, and every day i keep hoping that it'll be better, but sadly new surprises await either on a weekly or monthly basis.

Its still not easy to open up to a psychologist: i cant seem to tell him about the deeper issues plaguing me yet. But what he has helped me understand about myself has made me feel more comfortable about myself and i do feel a little happier these days. And yeah. I just needed some help in that department before i can actually make proper decisions about myself and everything else but as usual, help never really comes easy. At this moment, if i do get in an emotional mess, it would be very, very hard for me to recover. Actually, that has been the way for the past 2 years due to lack of help etc, to like myself better. It's been a very long and hard journey that i've been wishing to end for the longest time. Just that i wont because i want to see how much more longer i can go.

I'm thankful i have friends that tell me what i need to hear once in a while to help kick my bum up a little every once in a while. You dont really get friends like that often. People that stand up for you even when everyone else sees you as an accursed monster to avoid, just because you suck at social skills are to be commended indeed. This self hating issue has got to stop because i'll just keep engaging in self harm -- sleeping around with guys is my way of cutting or stabbing myself, because i want to feel hurt and treated like trash...sometimes. It's almost stopped (if we want to include unwilling encounters) because i've started to deal with some issues and love myself more. So if i work on them more, it'll be better.

Why would i go back to a place where i am unwanted by the people there because i pulled out some very silly mistakes in the past to them? I do know they still hate me, but i just enjoy whatever there is for now and take it as self betterment. Or at least that is what i thought i could do until it's starting to affect me emotionally...which is bad. Sometimes i do ask myself every once in a while why am i there? And then i told myself im not there to make friends -- i'm there for a reason. Even if i am very, very far from it, but nevertheless i still want it. Sometimes, i am not sure if i should keep trying or give up but i still show up every now and then. I dont blame them, i didint know any better back then and in reality, nothing changes or softens a mistake that kept repeating in a way, no matter how spiritual they may be. I know, we all expect that spiritual people would be more forgiving, but thats not the case...thats just reality. *shrug*

thats just one of the few issues that i am dealing with. That and me planning to move out of my parents home sooner or later. I'll need to ask a few friends on the preparations tho. Opinions so far is that its not too financially viable yet with my current pay but i'll see how things go. It's time that i kinda live my own life, if not here in KL somewhere else like Singapore or some english speaking country. Australia maybe. But then i'll have to give up on that place i have mentioned before, which i am not too willing just yet. I dont give up, because if i did, i would have been dead by now. Even if it looks like i really, really should. But no.

yeah, getting more lucid and clearer these days :)

i love this song, kinda sums up my life in a way, except im not perfect. The psychologist told me to not be perfect, but just be the best person i can ever be which does...help me feel better about myself in so many ways...

I've been through quite a bit but really, its never enough. But still this song is like a pat on my back in some way. It does make me feel that its okay...