the big crash of 2011

its 2am, im awake, wide awake. i dont think i can sleep throughout the night. too many things have happened and now i think im on the edge again.

first of all, the date fizzled. the guy that i have been dating and going out with for 1.5 months has decided to move back to kuching all of a sudden, and his decision was done in a selfish way. that was what hurted the most. But maybe he deserves a rest. And i put on too much expectations. The first guy that i ever opened up to being the guy i'll be emotionally open to, broke my trust and expectations in him. he knowingly gave me those before deciding to move back, but yet still wants the friendship to remain. these days im telling myself to not be bitter. He cant decide and cant face his problems. I guess we were on a different wavelength after all. It is quite painful to have invested too much trust. At least i get the experience of dating.

That aside, i seem to be having a spiritual crisis. I realize ive been letting myself down all along and failing my own goals, the consoling myself and pulling out a "this never happened" trick. It's now coming down, crashing on me. Colleagues are noticing, people are noticing, and i want to do something about it but the shame of allowing this to happen, as well as allowing the other guy in only to realize he was just...undecided, has literally broke my mental barriers. I saw a couple having sex in the gym sauna, and i wanted to, for a few hours, just seek for sex and practice it. It was just random sex but they were so passionately in sex, that it made me realized how much i sucked at that department.

its now almost 4.30am and i still have not slept. I guess its just one of the battles i have to face. its gonna be okay after tomorrow.