different me's

It's been a rough journey throughout but im not going to give up at all. That's so not me to give up.

Sucker punch is a very good movie but it could be confusing at some extent. I like babydoll's will to fight. And since my mind is always wrapped in some sort of soap opera (yeah i see everything around me as a soap opera, everyone's a guest starring or recurring character or perhaps an extra) so i can like, so, relate, to babydoll. And i also have fantasies within a fantasy. It makes life more bearable.

reading the previous posts does make me realize i've been not myself for the last month or so. But i need to regain myself. I enjoy meeting people and i do need friends but fact is, not many around for me and the ones i can really relate to, but of late something's snapped in me.

This post isnt really supposed to be here, it's out of character but i dont care anyway. I think sometimes people do deserve to know the real, boring, socially ackward me but im learning. It's a painful process. I've always felt like i dont belong. when i interact with people, and social ackwardness and not knowing what to do in a social setting sets in, and when some friends exclude me from their circle it reaffirms the fact that i dont feel like i belong here on earth. So i gotta be more careful...

I feel like a fox trapped in a cage running around biting his tail...imagining it to be prey outside...entertaining myself and convincing myself im in the fields. Thats why i guess i relate to films like sucker punch. Maybe i need to get lobotomized. lol. Or restore my powers and fly back to heaven and become a Fox god or something. But nah thats not gonna happen. Its just like that brothel in sucker punch when in reality they are at the mental hospital.

I'll learn to react properly in social situations and i will learn to trust and open up more. I'm still alive after everything might as well try to adapt. I dont have a choice.

Now im just waiting for mr invisible to get me......LAUDAREE MACAROONS!!!! :p *runs around biting tail*

The sauna date.

A newfound friend wanted some sauna experience, so i brought him there.

Since he is taken i had to make sure that he dosent get molested or taken advantage of. So i went with him. I've retired from this sort of thing, but i dont mind getting felt up or jerked off.

As usual, the whole place was filled with guys in towels walking around and/or having sex in the sauna or steam room or the dark room. Or in the private rooms. Obviously, sauna virgin was very excited and amazed and he'd want to bring his partner along the next time he comes back to KL to the same sauna we went to (which is near where his bf stays by the way). It was not weird at all seeing each other nude -- it was just like camping. However it was slightly awkward to allow some guy to grab my dick and me grabbing his teeny 3incher in front of the friend. As he wandered around, getting sauna-ed, jacuzzi-ed, steam-ed etc, i was busy making my rounds getting molested in the darkroom. It's fucking mating season fuckers!

So, there was Creep A who felt me up and gave me a handjob followed by a blowjob in the darkroom (minus my consent, but that is what you'd expect in a gay sauna right?). He never got hard, which was annoying, and he started stalking me and my friend when we were outside. I attempted to start a conversation with him and found out that he is staying with his family, and he was 40. But his face looked really smooth. till it was creepy. It was the stalking that turned me off. Even Sauna Virgin was feeling uncomfortable as he felt Sauna Virgin up in the steam room. Luckily, Sauna Virgin was used to that due to too many camping trips. I did ask him for a phone number when i was somewhat impressed by him, but i quickly got really annoyed by his stalking and just ignored him. He passed me a piece of paper with his number. Deftly ignored. If only he did not stalk me and my friend.

Creep B asked me in to a private room. I rejected him the first time. Then on the 2nd time, it was the darkroom. I felt him up and he has a huge and interesting cock. He then asked me into the private room which i assumed that he wanted a good conversation. Not. he tried very hard to enter me and even rimmed me. I begged him no because i do not do it with strangers, and i definitely do not do it without protection. The wrestling was rather exciting tho, but if only he was my bf but nah. If he thinks its okay to do it, he definitely failed. But i guess he deserved a small chance. So i took down his number. And we left.

I SMSed him on that night and he called immediately and talked about sex. In front of granny. Needless to say i got into trouble and i had to talk a lot to undo the damage. -1 point for lack of consideration! The next day, he started SMSing. Okay. That's sweet. But in chinese which i cant read and who the fuck assumes that every chinese reads chinese? -1 point. Then he called. Twice. And i could sense his desperation. It was a HUUUUGE TURN OFF. He begged me to call him and acted all desperate. At least he is 28 but works as an office boy and stays around PJ.

Later after work and begging me to meet up with him (which i refused -- no thank you) but i did call him and boy. it was a huge mistake. he kept ranting on and on, mainly on how people have treated him and about his ex blah blah. At this point i was pretty much determined to call it off and i was really pissed because he kept talking like a salesman that i could do whatever i want and he respects it, and that he would give me a probation period of 2 months. But i am really sorry -- i dont dig guys who get overly obsessive, or desperate, or both when it comes to dating. Especially after a rape attempt against me. There was not a hint of gentlemanness, but only bitterness and scars. I feel sorry for him, until he said its either lovers or nothing at all. Then he changed back his story to giving me the 2 months trial. I had a hard time telling him no. its not gonna work because he was THAT desperate.

I finally managed to end it with "next time PLEASE dont talk too much about yourself on the first conversation with your date. It scares people." And he apologized. And that is pretty much it and i dont really plan to meet him again and he got the message.

Now i realize why most guys choose to just ignore instead of tell the other person "lets not see each other anymore" like straight couples.

And with that i wont be going to gay saunas for a very, very long time. I'm too good for that.

Foxy requirements

I'm the fox on the right...if you are the fairy/guy on the left please take care of me once more T_T sorry for leaving you on earth to fly to heaven 100000 years ago i miss you!!

ARGH!! It's my mating season again. It comes twice a year: April and September. It's the time of the year when i feel horny, lovesick and desperate. But this year i must hold it in so that i can be 1 step closer to being a fox fairy a decent person. I guess its just something i need to go through. Sadly tho the timing of my hormones is the same as the cats and dogs. When the cats and dogs start howling...so will my heart =__________=" ughhhhhhh now who says its fun to be a fox?! not its not fun at all!!

right....since i am searching for a partner, might as well talk about the requirements here. Obviously since i am a male fox somemore, and traditionally male foxes love philosophy and the arts, the owner bf must be well versed in the arts of the senses -- art, music, food, perfumery, philosophy. He has to have a maturity and sophistication and depth of a certain level. Age wise, older guys preferred. I aint gonna babysit no kiddos!! He must be able to carry out conversations and must be able to adjust himself according to situations. And sincerity is important. A fox never forgives a liar, especially if it happens to be a date or a lover, so if you do screw that part with me.....you're gonna lose all your chances and i will BITE BACK. Hard. Also dont forget that the fox can see through lies very easily....i'm old!! He has to be matured (has anyone notice what is my main criteria yet?) and independent in all the ways. In a way being my lover is almost like adopting me like a pet, but a very intelligent one, so if the potential date has a pet that is well taken cared of, it should not be too different than taking care of me. Except you dont have to bathe me (I dont mind that at all!!) and all the likes. Love me and i shall return it tenfold, but scorn me and you shall suffer greatly.

see its not that high. any takers? or you know anyone that fit the bill that you can introduce me to? I'm not too demanding, emotionally and materially, but you do need to provide emotional support when needed. Material support is a bonus for me. You dont have to be muscular, just show that you groom yourself well and take care of yourself well.

There is a song that actually sums up what i would like my potential bf to be like :P yes i know its a tranny, but the song is addictive. really, really addictive. And yes she is singing about the perfect bf for most of us.

Company

Another fanfic. Enjoy!

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I went directly to the hotel. That was what the directions said anyway. It was a very expensive and luxurious 5 star hotel. I went up the 30th floor, room 3115.

I gave a gentle knock on the door. This triggered a gentle shuffling sound to approach.

He opened the door. A well-groomed Chinese man in this late 30s opened the door. "Ah, you're here. Come in please." He was wearing a red polo shirt and long sporty shorts.

I made my way through the door, into the posh room of wallpapers and luxurious beddings. As expected from a world renowned 5 star hotel. He took a seat on the bed.

"you look good for your age."

"thank you!"

"a nice guy like you dosent deserve to be lonely. Let me fix that." I said with as smirk.

He smiled with a big, horny grin.

It was time to get down to business.

"So" I said, "What would you like me to do, Mr Alex, or shall i just call you Alex?"

"I am lonely. And i just need some company. Will you be able to give me that?"

"Why sure! That is my job is it not?"

"Good. Now come here." Alex said, as he patted the bed beside him. "Let me have a closer look at you."

I made my way and sat by him.

"you are a gorgeous man. I knew i did not make the wrong choice! you have a nice bone structure! And a pleasant face! If i did not know you any better i'd assume you to be just a regular straight man!" Alex commented, as his hands made my way on my body and genitals.

It's standard operating procedure. And yes for the record, I am straight. Just that i dont mind this being done to me.

"Oh!" And he exclaimed. "An asian-sized package!! I love medium dicks, I hate huge ones. They tend to hurt."

"Glad that you liked it. I'm yours for tonight" I said, with a satisfied smile. Again, standard operating procedure.

His hands started to tremble in excitement. They were cold as they undid my jeans. He pulled them down, revealing my genitals. The profile sheet said that Alex preferred guys who do not wear underwear.

"Such beauty!!" He exclaimed, as he proceeded to examine my cock and balls. I had trimmed my pubic hair beforehand. It is important to keep the goods neat. "How exquisite!! it's clean and neat! And its circumcised!! so clean!" And with that, my pants came off.

I was told to circumcise when i decided to do this. It was for cleanliness and safety purposes. In case of infections.

He started to rub my torso and proceeded to pull off my tee. I was stark naked now -- the goods he wanted was on display. Strangely, he showed little interest on my body. He excitedly stripped naked himself, and proceeded to suck my cock. He was quite bad in technique and although i did got hard, i did not felt stimulated.

He stopped sucking me and asked if i was ready to enter him. I reached out to my jeans on the bedside and procured a condom. He watched excitedly as i tore off the wrapper and stretched it over my erect penis. I looked at him and signaled that i was ready. He got on top of me quickly, slowly planting my erect penis into his anus. His anus was quite loose as it went in quickly. I could not feel his anus hugging my penis as a normal ass would. I was pretty sure he would have been using an anal plug or a dildo on a regular basis.

He rode my hard cock for a good 30 minutes and since it was barely stimulating, i was not aroused but i acted as if i was. I played with his dick, jerking it as he bounced up and down on mine. It was not long before he ejaculated and decided that he had enough.

"I could really feel your dick inside of me. It felt great!"

"I loved your ass too..it was so tight!" Lying, is, again, part of the standard operating procedure.

Alex went to the bathroom and cleaned up the cum, while i removed the condom from my dick. I took out a pack of wet wipes from my jeans pocket, and wiped off his filthy, smelly cum. God knows what kind of disease he might have if he was a regular. He came out a short while later.

"Shall we cuddle?"

"yeah, sure"

"Might as well finish up the rest of my 2 hours with you"

He laid beside me, naked, with his right hand over my shoulder, and his left hand on my chest.

"You look like a fine young man. and i do love your company. You are different from the others. You dont have to do this all the time. I'll buy you out. I just broke up with my boyfriend after he cheated on me."

So many men had said this to me before. But really, i dont have feelings for me. I only have feelings for her in my entire life.

"I could, but that would be limiting myself. Plus, i have no feelings towards men. I've seen too many men who have cheated on their partners, using me. No matter what, i will always be a whore. Its a reality that i have accepted, that i will never be clean."

I gave him a matter-of-factly stare. His expression froze. A tear fell from his eye.

"please, you dont have to do this anymore. I want to take care of you! I want to protect you! I dont mind your background and past! I want you to be happy! please be with me!" He begged with a pitiful voice. He gave me a hug. I allowed him to. I pitied him. I could feel his loneliness and desperation.

But sadly, the time was up.

"I'm sorry, time's up."

He stood up and reached for his wallet. He pulled a wad of bills.

"I hope this will keep you off work for a while."

I took the bills with a smile. I counted them and it was around $500.

"thank you. but you really dont have to"

"I want you to have it. It's the least i can do...to help you."

I took the cash and stuffed it to my jeans which i slipped on. I also wore my shirt, and made my way of the hotel room.

"Bye"

"Bye!! I'll call you again if i am near!"

I walked out of the door, and popped in some Chiclets. I made my way home back into my apartment 3 blocks away. I felt the money in my pocket. It was the only way where i could support myself and afford things for her even though we are just friends now.

dark clouds

time for a deep post. too many shallow/simple posts dont reflect this blog well. hehe.

Depression is not about feeling emo or sad or down. Its something more. well i am not even sure if what this is, is depression or something else.

Sometimes dark clouds suddenly appear in my mental scape, but it is still possible to intensify the sunlight and let the day to appear normal, but the clouds are still there. You see, it is possible to get over that feeling of dread and still continue functioning like normal by willpower, but it will start to affect judgement and also the way you see things.

Everything seems fine and dandy, you can conquer the world but somehow or rather you feel that something is coming up.

Meetings with friends feel great and normal, but somehow or rather their presence fades in your mind even though they are talking to you.

You chat with friends but you cant seem to feel them being there anymore. You feel that whatever they say seem to be just words. You cant feel anything anymore.

Time seemed to have stood still even the numbers in the clock and calendar keeps changing.

Its allright it feels, for the numbers to run but not do anything. No need to arrange. cant move even if i want to.

You try to lift a hand but nothing happens. You start to lose control as everything around starts fading and you feel empty in a room. Time and space melts completely.

Before you know it you did something stupid to hurt your friends, and there is no way you can control what you are doing or thinking. You can only see this person in your body doing the things you should be doing and making terrible mistakes.

When the mistakes are done, he gives you your body back and it hurts to know what happened. He tells you he hurts your friends on purpose to hurt you and crack you. The mental pain becomes unbearable. He tells you that you should be dead, because as long as you're alive people around you will be hurt.

You start cleaning up the mess, but it can sometimes be too late. And the mental pain is almost mind numbing. You start to take control again, but everything is still a blur as if your head is submerged below water.You still feel numb and woozy like 2 hours after some surgery.

And its been happening for so long that you really gave up all hopes of it being better. And you start to consider what he tells you, that you should die by overdosing on something..

thats whats been happening in my mind. It is tiring....

The Goddess called.

"It's not your first time going through this. By now you should be used to it. You've been through this so many times. It is time you develop a coping mechanism. Your friends should know about this by now and if they dont...well...you decide if they are worth being a friend. No matter what, just clean up the mess and repair what needs to be repaired and move on. Next time you decide to allow it to take over you, just be reminded of this."

oh well. she's right. Now im just picking up the pieces.