mercredi 6 avril 2011

dark clouds




time for a deep post. too many shallow/simple posts dont reflect this blog well. hehe.

Depression is not about feeling emo or sad or down. Its something more. well i am not even sure if what this is, is depression or something else.

Sometimes dark clouds suddenly appear in my mental scape, but it is still possible to intensify the sunlight and let the day to appear normal, but the clouds are still there. You see, it is possible to get over that feeling of dread and still continue functioning like normal by willpower, but it will start to affect judgement and also the way you see things.

Everything seems fine and dandy, you can conquer the world but somehow or rather you feel that something is coming up.

Meetings with friends feel great and normal, but somehow or rather their presence fades in your mind even though they are talking to you.

You chat with friends but you cant seem to feel them being there anymore. You feel that whatever they say seem to be just words. You cant feel anything anymore.

Time seemed to have stood still even the numbers in the clock and calendar keeps changing.

Its allright it feels, for the numbers to run but not do anything. No need to arrange. cant move even if i want to.

You try to lift a hand but nothing happens. You start to lose control as everything around starts fading and you feel empty in a room. Time and space melts completely.

Before you know it you did something stupid to hurt your friends, and there is no way you can control what you are doing or thinking. You can only see this person in your body doing the things you should be doing and making terrible mistakes.

When the mistakes are done, he gives you your body back and it hurts to know what happened. He tells you he hurts your friends on purpose to hurt you and crack you. The mental pain becomes unbearable. He tells you that you should be dead, because as long as you're alive people around you will be hurt.

You start cleaning up the mess, but it can sometimes be too late. And the mental pain is almost mind numbing. You start to take control again, but everything is still a blur as if your head is submerged below water.You still feel numb and woozy like 2 hours after some surgery.

And its been happening for so long that you really gave up all hopes of it being better. And you start to consider what he tells you, that you should die by overdosing on something..

thats whats been happening in my mind. It is tiring....

The Goddess called.

"It's not your first time going through this. By now you should be used to it. You've been through this so many times. It is time you develop a coping mechanism. Your friends should know about this by now and if they dont...well...you decide if they are worth being a friend. No matter what, just clean up the mess and repair what needs to be repaired and move on. Next time you decide to allow it to take over you, just be reminded of this."

oh well. she's right. Now im just picking up the pieces.

4 commentaires:

  1. I'd like to say I can relate, but each of our experiences are unique to ourselves.

    While I may not have been through the same experiences, the darkness had numbed me. It had changed me. I hurt my friends and shut out my loved ones. I couldn't take it back. Long story short, I'm still here. I didn't give in. My thoughts weren't suicidal anymore. They became deicidal. They still are.

    But this post is about you. Weather through it. Know that you're not alone in fighting that depression.

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  2. say whatever u like...
    say how pitiful it is like to have depression, ur mind cannot do anything, you did the unexpected, you do not know yourself, when depression strikes, u feel like banging the wall, u feel like there is no meaning to life.

    And whats the worst thing? Hurting those around you like nobody business, becoming unsensitive and expected everyone to have pity, concern and be sensitive to your needs.

    Do you realise, if you have depression, is not you who suffered the most, is those around you watching you and being hurt by your irrational sudden change of behaviour. Trust me, you may think you are the victim, but the one suffered most is those who cared for you. And whats worst? you think no one cares for you, and thats because you are not even thinking rationally.

    It just amazed me, people with depression can do all kinda things and get away with it on the mere reason of having depression. If that is the case, why not everyone starts having depression and did whatever they fancied without any string of consequences and feeling of responsibility?

    The mind controls everything. People with depression claimed that their mind are not functioning, like someone took over control of your body and you cannot do anything but feel like a marionette, is that weak.

    Please stop using depression as an excuse to get away with things. Fight for yourself, fight against the depression, fighting depression is just similar to fighting drug addiction. You successfully get over it and it come back. Reason? Because life has not been good for you. Or you have unsatisfaction about life or some unforgetable bad past experience.

    But at least, show your effort in fighting against depression. You are not the only one having problem in this world, everyone has their own problem.

    Fight against depression, think positive, expose yourself to postiveness and always be optimistic about life. Depression is a selfish sickness, you shut out the world while inflicting pain on others. Please please, don't give in to devil named: DEPRESSION!

    P/S:this comment has no intention to stir any arguement. If there is any word that you find provoking, my sincere apology in advance. I made the effort to write because I cared and personally think depression is really something you can fight against. You just have to try really hard!

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  3. decidial: thats just how it is, ive learnt to deal with it.

    Cloud: its just an expression of how i feel. its not for pity.

    Its just something we have to get through but i just decided to put it in words. Its not to get away with anything because you cant. but you still need to clean up the mess. there is no escape in reality and sometimes you lose friends...it is not an excuse at all but people like to see it that way.

    I am fighting against it, in fact used to it but sometimes going through the same things again and again is torturous. Worst part is its hard to put a stop to it other than developing coping mechanisms.

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  4. shallow one coming through... blek!! i read the first line and i fell asleep. hahahahaha... i need some diazepam!!

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