regurgitation

I was reading a blog and one of the posts trigged a long comment which i left there, and then i realize that it was worthy to be expanded to a full length post:

Sakuran (confusion): about a high class courtesan (oiran) who breaks out of her bubble, even if she went through lots of heartbreak and backstabbing and with the tenacity and will of iron, she managed to become the best amongst all of them.. even though cursed to not find true love due to her profession...but at long last the film ends with a man who loved her as a person, who paid for her releasal fees and she found true love at last..I find that this trailer and music suits this post today.

I wish i was paid by the guys that i had sex with before but sadly my looks were not good, and also because the guys i met were at the bottom of the barrel: stingy uncles who just wanted to hunt for guys desperate enough to have sex with them, for free. I am not even worth rm100, not even a new pair of shoes, not even a shirt, not even a hotel room. just some cheap lunch. and that only happened once of all the guys i met, and that also when the guy was stoned from his chem use. i was never offered anything at all to suck dicks or be sucked.

i guess im not as morally perfect as most people around as i dont mind selling myself at this point of time, after all "it" has already been done against my wishes, there's no value anymore. Because if i place any it will hurt uncontrollably. so i'd rather separate sex and love, mow down my emotions and destroy any feeling of self worth i might have. Some may argue this may not be the way to live life but at least for me it numbs the pain and gives me an explanation on why gay guys would rather ignore me than be a friend. There was once i felt i had self worth but at the end its just what i think. So no more pink elephants.

But i am jealous of people who have those, and i do admire them at the same time for being able to cope with so much at such an age and having what i never had: beauty and the strength, as well as dignity. Most of the time, when i see myself from the 'gay value' aspect i feel as though i am cursed to not to trust humans...especially another man. So i'd see myself differently. a butch bisexual trapped in a man's body. It may not be the "truth" but it does help ease the pain.

i always admire people who are strong and i often fall as a sucker for people who even put up the front that they are (and eventually i find out they're not). Goddess said its because im not as strong as them, which is why i desire to have them or be like them, and that people often desire what they dont have. people with strong wills make me feel like i should get close to them to learn from them. But strangely and very often they often run from me, or that i just dont interest them.

Life is "tough" if we keep resting in our comfort zones and think thats the place we should be, but the more shitty people i meet the more i feel happy because i manage to deal with them without turning into one of those cruel, bitter and viscious people who end up ruining everyone's day...i'd rather be the light, smile, crack jokes even tho 20 people a day approach me for PC problems (yeah i work as IT support) make conversations because i force myself to even tho i'd rather be quiet and finish my job because i hate talking. I am not a social person but i force myself to talk, to socialize so that i can be of use to people and future employers. I want to be someone useful and valuable and not just cheap dirt.

I have to battle through lazy colleagues who dont hesitate to backstab me. colleagues who wont hesitate to pile on work on my back even though i have been extremely busy, and i am talking about work that they could have done within 1 minute but choose not to to exercise their superiority, and when they use a lazy and shitty way of doing things, or not do something i have to face the people whose work was disrupted because of them... but its cool as its just more training fodder for the me thats going to be someone that none of the can ever be or achieve.

thats...how i get through my day as i look forward to more friends and achievements. after all life's a game. we need to get all the achievements in front of us.

I'm going to be the light that will shine through everyone because i can, and i am. People in office now turn to me for help because my colleagues just wont. People are happy to see me and i brighten their days. i greet them with a smile, a joke and my sincerity in helping them solve their problems and they know they can count on me. It's not as easy as it seems (i get swamped with requests), but at least i can light up people's days....

i'll make life bloom, and i will lighten up everyone's lives.

Present Day

So yes this is my story since as much as i can remember since the beginning. Why would i refer to myself as little fox? it's because im giving a name to someone who used to be me. I'm a different person now and although these experiences have made me what i am today but i am not attached to them or are bitter over what happened (im still feeling the effects of some) and im no longer the person who indulges in self pity like the past. The person that was Little Fox was "killed" by the SG who exposed him and showed him that this is not the way to live: lying and creating larger than life impressions to impress others (as what R, Little Fox's best friend would do which found him a lot of friends) and that there is something more to just working a 9-5 job and pursuing relationships etc. Now i am on a lifetime journey on fixing my trust towards people. Sad to say that due to the incidents, my brain and heart has been wired not to trust people or really open up to them. This has been noticed by many people in the spiritual organization (in fact, they were the only ones who cared enough to that extent to actually notice, even tho they eventually had nasty intentions because they cant "win" my trust) and to date i am still finding ways to "patch" up that part.

Child sexual abuse scars you. It causes a permanent damage in your mind and makes it assume that everyone is evil. And sad to say this impression can never be changed, but it can be diluted and covered with layers of emotions and logic. It is an incredibly painful way to live life by, because that incident will stamp it in your soul that your body never belonged to you (thus the lack of control on that "incident") and that impression will be hard, if not impossible to erase. You would just feel that once you die the nightmare will end and this body is just a temporary placement, your real body is somewhere else in heaven or something. In Little Fox's world, there are only people he can take advantage of and people who would hurt him. (it's animal like isnt it? thats why i called him a FOX!) No friends existed for him (and eventually even this the SG shattered, enabling me to function as a normal human being, now i recognize friends and understand more about them) but i am glad i have learned how to accept, trust and appreciate friends in a way. Depression attacks are as regular as a menstrual cycle as the attacker may have damaged my genitals (they were underdeveloped and slightly affecting my puberty) due to hormonal imbalance but thats being corrected now.

There were many times i wanted to just get wasted on drugs or just end it all with some poison but luckily thanks to the SG i know its not worth it. As far as friends go, I am a very analytical person (you have to be, because you wanna know if that person would hurt you or not...) and my friendbase is getting bigger by the minute as i learn to not be too honest about others as time passes. Therefore i know i am a different person now because my approach to things are now different.

As far as the spiritual organization goes, i am still part of it, but a very small part. Im not resentful towards them but i am still afraid if they're going to try anything funny in the event that i attempt to rejoin them for fulltime work. My parents are very against it. Everyone has adviced me not to but some of the more caring/zealous/im not sure anymore students have urged me to go back saying that everyone will be running out of chances soon. And the SG is quite accurate in these kind of "predictions" because he really and truly cares about his students even those who have ran away. Problem is, the whole concept of a spritual guide is built upon how much the student trusts the teacher and carry out all his instructions without fail and as you know, i have trust issues so he will find out eventually, and if not i will fall into a loop of self sabotage and cause me to fail whatever he tells me to do, wasting his time and mine, as well as everyone elses'. I am in the midst of fixing my faults so that the problems wont crop up again.

As far as my parents go, im cool with them as i learn to accept them for who they are. They have already forgotten about my "gay" incident and im not seeking any more sexual encounters behind their backs (of course!) because i know how much it will hurt them, and also because most of the guys i find online are crap thats at the bottom, bottom of the barrel. From now on its going to have to be a decent guy whom i can be friends with and who will do it with me exclusively (to minimize disease) so since this kind of guy wont exist might as well not do it haha. Im more interested in girls for dating to be honest (yes i love pussy too!)

So yep, this is whats happening at the present :) not much more about the past!

Blast from the past

Its quite odd that i manage to add Ruben, the ex best friend who hated me after that "incident" which he refused to acknowledge that he is hating me into MSN again.

Every attempt at conversation will reveal his bitter side towards me. His cold and uncaring tone differs significantly from what he used to be. He's now just a sad, cold and bitter shadow of his former cheerful and wise self. Or perhaps he knows his tricks and PR stunts no longer work on me (he will ALWAYS try to appear as the good guy, the stronger and more superior guy even tho he's not, and when shit happens and it turns out he's not, he just changes that set of friends) so he'd rather fend me off than to make amends. He maintains this belief that people will not change or improve but he's wrong because i am proof of that. He's also proof that people will change: from a warm, caring and friendly person to a cold and bitter one.

This was my last conversation with him:

Me: hey

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: sup

Me: lots lol

Me: but its all good

Me: what abt u

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: exciting

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: going to japan tonight

Me: that sure is exciting

Me: remember to get vibrators

Me: lol

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: vibrators? for what?

Me: the japs are famous for that lol

Me: very, very famous

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: well i have no use for those

Me: your female friends may need

Me: haha

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: speechless [eh, hello, need to be speechless at a harmless joke?]

Me: aiyo its just a joke la

Me: so long no c u so serious ed

Me: i mean so long no talk to you so serious already

Me: loosen up a little :P

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: so long no c u, u are still an awkward person

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: glad to know that things dont change [i used to be a loooot more socially awkward that what i appear to be now, Lady Gaga has shown me ITS OK TO BE AWKWARD! THEY STILL LOVE YOU IF YOU STILL ARE! I had few friends in the past due to this, but not anymore so why is he bringing it up? surely, he's still very bitter against me]

Me: is it up to you to say? no i dont think so anymore

Me: you're stuck at an afterimage of me

Me: glad to know that you're still closed and bitter

Me: go on with life as a bitter person, im sure you will find happiness that way

Me: well you started it

Me: if you're not bitter, you wouldnt be adding glad that things dont change

Me: :) so loosen up, its for your own happiness

Ru - Mr. Ham Sarp: have a nice day [At this point he went offline. This is the phrase he used in the past right before blocking me in MSN. The amount of hypocrisy is amazing huh. i realized no point and deleted his contact]

So there we have it. People do get worse over time instead of improving once they close their hearts towards things. I do feel guilty for turning him into this but then i realize he can just as easily choose not to see things that way, see things as it really is and stop trying to look good just for once and be honest so that things can repair themselves, so nah, not guilty because this is what he chose to be. In any case, if any of you do meet him and want to have some fun, do look through his perfect image and you'll see nothing but an insecure and bitter young man trying to be what he's not by pretending to be what he is not.

sad, sad, sad case, really.

Breakthrough

Little Fox has been quite religious throughout his life. When he was young, his parents sent him to weekly Buddhist classes every sunday morning. From there he knew that there was more to life than material things, so he didint take care of his body (which is now still flabby and weak). He read a lot of Buddhist books and attended many a Buddhist camps. these were the things that help kept him from going insane or becoming a psychopath at times. It also tamed his maddening feelings, but did little to control his lust.

Even with Buddhist camps, he enjoyed them throughly but it was always not enough. He always felt something was missing. He finally found it when his dad directed him to a Spiritual Organization.

Here, everyone welcomed him and he knew that the Buddhist teacher was not a fake wannabe. He was strict yet gentle at the same time. He did not compromise the teachings for the sake of more followers or to be more popular. He was already charismatic and funny, but none of the original content was toned down or distorted. Little Fox knew this is where he should be, and was very impressed with the Spiritual Guide (SG)'s teachings. Little Fox started to apply the teachings and found his life progressing in a very good way. He made up with a few friends, notably the longtime friend who went to college with him, S. Life with his family has also improved to a certain extent. But Little Fox knew he had to do more to mend the hole in his heart. He was quite certain that the SG can help him mend it.

SG gave him an opportunity to work in the Organization and gave him lots of trust and love. He was able to carry out some of the instructions but not all of them. There were misunderstandings as well but they were quickly resolved. However, other students had other plans in mind. They did not like Little Fox who was dressed in shabby clothes due to lack of money and detested him a lot. When SG invited Litte Fox to work and live with the community, Little Fox did just that, leaving his parents feeling sad (and not knowing that he did at that time.) At first Little Fox felt that it was quite okay as he was able to carry his duties without much interference but as time passed and SG showed more preference to Little Fox, other students started coming up with schemes. They complained to the SG that Little Fox did not do his work and that it was not satisfactory and isolated Little Fox at work. In time depression bit Little Fox in the ass and he could not function properly. Eventually Little Fox could not do the intended work and these students framed Little Fox for stealing money and fired him at these grounds. There was also a huge inquisition that happened where Little Fox was put in a position where he was not allowed to defend himself. He was also accused of bad mouthing and creating schism in the organization. The worst accusation was that Little Fox was accused by his house mates that he brought men home to their rented house, which never happened but they accused anyway because they felt like pressing someone down. These students then told Little Fox's parents that he was gay and then placed Little Fox under one of the less popular studenst who worked as an odd laborer and Little Fox had to follow him everywhere, and even stay at his stinky, messy house! It was one of the worst nightmares of Little Fox's life. He was mistreated, slapped and scolded many times and pressed down as well. However, Little Fox knew this was mental training but he could not take it and ran away a few times. But each and every time his parents which was brainwashed by the man would push him back. In the end, Little Fox decided to commit suicide by swallowing 50 asprin pills, had his stomach pumped and was warded overnight. Even then, his parents who were extremely shocked and saddened pushed him back.

Eventually, Little Fox ran away to S's house and stayed there for a day which made his parents and the man panic. They finally got the message that he was not to be pushed around. From then on, Little Fox returned to his family and they gave him a new level of freedom and respect. However Little Fox's dad cut off the internet line and he had to reapply his own, due to fears that Little Fox would seek out men online.

After the incident, Little Fox grew up. The hole in his heart is still there, but he could see now that his parents loved him and supported him all the way even through the difficult times. Previously he was unable to talk to people but now he could talk to people, especially strangers and is liking it. He became more confident and his unfeeling heart could feel a little again. Finally Little Fox felt normal in his life for once. He got a job soon after that to continue to learn more about what being human is like......

However, he would