Present Day

So yes this is my story since as much as i can remember since the beginning. Why would i refer to myself as little fox? it's because im giving a name to someone who used to be me. I'm a different person now and although these experiences have made me what i am today but i am not attached to them or are bitter over what happened (im still feeling the effects of some) and im no longer the person who indulges in self pity like the past. The person that was Little Fox was "killed" by the SG who exposed him and showed him that this is not the way to live: lying and creating larger than life impressions to impress others (as what R, Little Fox's best friend would do which found him a lot of friends) and that there is something more to just working a 9-5 job and pursuing relationships etc. Now i am on a lifetime journey on fixing my trust towards people. Sad to say that due to the incidents, my brain and heart has been wired not to trust people or really open up to them. This has been noticed by many people in the spiritual organization (in fact, they were the only ones who cared enough to that extent to actually notice, even tho they eventually had nasty intentions because they cant "win" my trust) and to date i am still finding ways to "patch" up that part.

Child sexual abuse scars you. It causes a permanent damage in your mind and makes it assume that everyone is evil. And sad to say this impression can never be changed, but it can be diluted and covered with layers of emotions and logic. It is an incredibly painful way to live life by, because that incident will stamp it in your soul that your body never belonged to you (thus the lack of control on that "incident") and that impression will be hard, if not impossible to erase. You would just feel that once you die the nightmare will end and this body is just a temporary placement, your real body is somewhere else in heaven or something. In Little Fox's world, there are only people he can take advantage of and people who would hurt him. (it's animal like isnt it? thats why i called him a FOX!) No friends existed for him (and eventually even this the SG shattered, enabling me to function as a normal human being, now i recognize friends and understand more about them) but i am glad i have learned how to accept, trust and appreciate friends in a way. Depression attacks are as regular as a menstrual cycle as the attacker may have damaged my genitals (they were underdeveloped and slightly affecting my puberty) due to hormonal imbalance but thats being corrected now.

There were many times i wanted to just get wasted on drugs or just end it all with some poison but luckily thanks to the SG i know its not worth it. As far as friends go, I am a very analytical person (you have to be, because you wanna know if that person would hurt you or not...) and my friendbase is getting bigger by the minute as i learn to not be too honest about others as time passes. Therefore i know i am a different person now because my approach to things are now different.

As far as the spiritual organization goes, i am still part of it, but a very small part. Im not resentful towards them but i am still afraid if they're going to try anything funny in the event that i attempt to rejoin them for fulltime work. My parents are very against it. Everyone has adviced me not to but some of the more caring/zealous/im not sure anymore students have urged me to go back saying that everyone will be running out of chances soon. And the SG is quite accurate in these kind of "predictions" because he really and truly cares about his students even those who have ran away. Problem is, the whole concept of a spritual guide is built upon how much the student trusts the teacher and carry out all his instructions without fail and as you know, i have trust issues so he will find out eventually, and if not i will fall into a loop of self sabotage and cause me to fail whatever he tells me to do, wasting his time and mine, as well as everyone elses'. I am in the midst of fixing my faults so that the problems wont crop up again.

As far as my parents go, im cool with them as i learn to accept them for who they are. They have already forgotten about my "gay" incident and im not seeking any more sexual encounters behind their backs (of course!) because i know how much it will hurt them, and also because most of the guys i find online are crap thats at the bottom, bottom of the barrel. From now on its going to have to be a decent guy whom i can be friends with and who will do it with me exclusively (to minimize disease) so since this kind of guy wont exist might as well not do it haha. Im more interested in girls for dating to be honest (yes i love pussy too!)

So yep, this is whats happening at the present :) not much more about the past!