regurgitation

I was reading a blog and one of the posts trigged a long comment which i left there, and then i realize that it was worthy to be expanded to a full length post:

Sakuran (confusion): about a high class courtesan (oiran) who breaks out of her bubble, even if she went through lots of heartbreak and backstabbing and with the tenacity and will of iron, she managed to become the best amongst all of them.. even though cursed to not find true love due to her profession...but at long last the film ends with a man who loved her as a person, who paid for her releasal fees and she found true love at last..I find that this trailer and music suits this post today.

I wish i was paid by the guys that i had sex with before but sadly my looks were not good, and also because the guys i met were at the bottom of the barrel: stingy uncles who just wanted to hunt for guys desperate enough to have sex with them, for free. I am not even worth rm100, not even a new pair of shoes, not even a shirt, not even a hotel room. just some cheap lunch. and that only happened once of all the guys i met, and that also when the guy was stoned from his chem use. i was never offered anything at all to suck dicks or be sucked.

i guess im not as morally perfect as most people around as i dont mind selling myself at this point of time, after all "it" has already been done against my wishes, there's no value anymore. Because if i place any it will hurt uncontrollably. so i'd rather separate sex and love, mow down my emotions and destroy any feeling of self worth i might have. Some may argue this may not be the way to live life but at least for me it numbs the pain and gives me an explanation on why gay guys would rather ignore me than be a friend. There was once i felt i had self worth but at the end its just what i think. So no more pink elephants.

But i am jealous of people who have those, and i do admire them at the same time for being able to cope with so much at such an age and having what i never had: beauty and the strength, as well as dignity. Most of the time, when i see myself from the 'gay value' aspect i feel as though i am cursed to not to trust humans...especially another man. So i'd see myself differently. a butch bisexual trapped in a man's body. It may not be the "truth" but it does help ease the pain.

i always admire people who are strong and i often fall as a sucker for people who even put up the front that they are (and eventually i find out they're not). Goddess said its because im not as strong as them, which is why i desire to have them or be like them, and that people often desire what they dont have. people with strong wills make me feel like i should get close to them to learn from them. But strangely and very often they often run from me, or that i just dont interest them.

Life is "tough" if we keep resting in our comfort zones and think thats the place we should be, but the more shitty people i meet the more i feel happy because i manage to deal with them without turning into one of those cruel, bitter and viscious people who end up ruining everyone's day...i'd rather be the light, smile, crack jokes even tho 20 people a day approach me for PC problems (yeah i work as IT support) make conversations because i force myself to even tho i'd rather be quiet and finish my job because i hate talking. I am not a social person but i force myself to talk, to socialize so that i can be of use to people and future employers. I want to be someone useful and valuable and not just cheap dirt.

I have to battle through lazy colleagues who dont hesitate to backstab me. colleagues who wont hesitate to pile on work on my back even though i have been extremely busy, and i am talking about work that they could have done within 1 minute but choose not to to exercise their superiority, and when they use a lazy and shitty way of doing things, or not do something i have to face the people whose work was disrupted because of them... but its cool as its just more training fodder for the me thats going to be someone that none of the can ever be or achieve.

thats...how i get through my day as i look forward to more friends and achievements. after all life's a game. we need to get all the achievements in front of us.

I'm going to be the light that will shine through everyone because i can, and i am. People in office now turn to me for help because my colleagues just wont. People are happy to see me and i brighten their days. i greet them with a smile, a joke and my sincerity in helping them solve their problems and they know they can count on me. It's not as easy as it seems (i get swamped with requests), but at least i can light up people's days....

i'll make life bloom, and i will lighten up everyone's lives.