Confessions of a bi fox

Yanno, it aint easy being bi or whatever that explains sporadic attractions to women and then towards men.

Because there are times where i'd totally have no interest in guys at all and would totally want female company and vice versa. This makes it impossible for me to get into any relationships, as during the 'straight' period i'd probably be repulsed by a male body and not even gay porn could arouse me at all. At other times, the very thought of 2 muscled asian guys having sex would be enough to drive me hard. If i get a boyfriend, those straight times would make me distance myself from them. not gonna be easy and no one deserves to go thru that.

There were many many days (even now) where i'd wake up and i felt really disgusted and angry that i also sexually attracted to guys but not emotionally, emotionally attracted to girls but not so much sexually. I cant really accept my sexuality as it is and in more ways than one still struggling with my sexuality. It's been really painful to think about because i'd really be able to accept a girlfriend more than a boyfriend because 1) i dont wanna be 'under' a guy or be his property! I'm a wild beast rawr! and 2) submitting to another man is emotionally impossible and humiliating to me. I'm only attracted to a guy physically and it ends there. anything else is friendship. or perhaps a friend that can relieve my sexual desires and vice versa without the emotional attachment but with friendship intact. It's extremely hard to find someone with the maturity to handle this, perhaps another bi guy? With that said, there are times where i just wanna feel loved, and i dont care if its a guy or a girl...its okay if its a he....thats what i tell myself...

I check out both guys and girls. especially those hot ones. They make me feel good. I do it everywhere: at the gym, in the malls, in restaurants or even at my own office :p and sometimes being naughty at the urinals, trying to peep at other guy's dicks. Trying to stop that...arugh...probably because i've been celibate for the last 7 months. The closest thing to sex was touching myself and the random guy at the gym sauna (which rarely happens, probably once in 4 months) but i never ejaculated because i figured its gonna be more intense and satisfying when i do it with the guy who promises to only have sex with me exclusively (possibly boyfriend, but really not into relationships, rather not hurt anyone. besides not worth the trouble, but rather a friend that i can talk to, hang out with, see movies, and yet have sex w/o affecting the friendship) the reason being is i dont wanna risk diseases. even tho my sexual resume has been quite long in the past..cant change my past stupidity but i can only be wiser now....

last but not least, ever wondered why do i call myself a fox? because just like the legendary fox spirit, us bi guys are always discriminated unfairly against, that all bi guys are bad <-> all fox spirits are bad. But my main inspiration would be from Qin Cai Sheng, the protagonist of the manga, Divine Melody:

Who is a fox spirit who can switch genders at will. She has a pure heart but due to inexperience, messes up the lives of a bunch of people at the end, falls in love with 3 people...while trying to avoid being killed by the fairies and some overzealous taoist priest. It kinda reminds me a lot of myself.. :x But I'm always male, have totally no interest at all to be female or effeminate although i do have my vulnerable side...

the only way to get through a full life nowadays and feel fulfilled and happy, is to just push all of these issues into 1 corner and deal with what is at hand. if its not enough distractions are needed. But sadly its always gonna be there until i deal with it. There's so much less shit/issues in my mind now compared to the last time because i've been relentlessly forcing myself to work on them. But with that said, i do need a break sometimes.

Versatility

In talking about the top and bottom personalities, there has to be the 3rd option: fucked and be fucked. That's the versatile category. So far we've seen the really predictable active/passive roles, but what about a role that is both passive and active? Sex has gotta be fun with someone who can switch roles but what about personality wise? how'd they fare at that department? After all, to many normal vanilla tops and bottoms, being versatile is hard to imagine..

Versatiles are, like their name, versatile when it comes to personality. However versatiles have 2 categories: the good and the bad. this may sound cliche but versatiles are a lot more complex than a top or bottom when it comes to deciphering their personality. It all boils down to the intentions and experiences of the individual. In reality, most versatiles are of 1 orientation and are usually top but they give in due to some weird reasons, to try to bottom and they wont exactly enjoy it as it is and would usually use stimulants such as poppers to bottom. Bottoms who top are rare but i think they do exist.

the "good" versatile guys are usually (but not always) bi guys, who allowed an adventurous bf or two to top them after swallowing their ego. Or perhaps the reluctant top. Or maybe someone who's experimenting. It's even rarer for a bottom to try topping but it is possible as love conquers all. Personality wise, versatile guys are always accommodating in nature and extremely patient. You can hurl them with bags of shit and they'll still be standing. And they will not complain. They may bitch to their friends but at the end of the day will always try to swallow the shit and/or explode one day, ending the relationship abruptly. They usually end up being door mat of a dominant or egoistic partner, abused and taken advantage of and then they either swear off love or turn into the bad one. Versatile guys may not look that way but beneath their accommodating exterior lies a person who just wants acceptance and will do anything for it, which is why they're usually exploited. They're also very strong willed and stubborn, so please dont insist on your way. They may give in but they wont be happy, like how topping and bottoming is the same to them: just sexual excitement. And they do keep long, long grudges.

The bad versatile shares all of the traits of the good one, except that they're extremely manipulative, and often take advantage of whoever they can get hold of. these types tend to lie very often, but most of them are just guys who were too afraid by loneliness and tortured by it, due to a personality flaw. In the end they become bitter and desperate, either by lonliness or by being mistreated by others. Bad vers guys are versatile because they just want to have sex with whomever they trap. Tops would use poppers to bottom, and bottoms would use viagra or sexual stimulants just to be able to have sex with a younger guy or with anyone they fancy. They usually wont care about who they're having sex with, if they're hurting their sex buddy or not as long as they get pleasure. These guys are usually very manipulative, they lie a lot and are usually smooth talking and charming at first and are usually 35 and above and usually are single. They could be attractive or not attractive, but something in their personality will turn you away as you know them more. they may or may not be the type who will call everyday, but a telltale sign other than them telling you that they're versatile is that in conversations, they tend to just want to talk about themselves, and might usually be about an old incident, over and over again. When you try to interject they usually ignore....they're more fond of forcing their way, literally on people both personality wise and sexually.

I had a very scary experience with a versatile before. He's actually a top, 39, okok body. On the first meetup, he wanted to have lunch at his place. So i went. When i did he asked me to shower. I knew it was sex but well i was too horny to leave. We only agreed to have mutual masturbation. I told him i never topped anyone before. Then he got some lube out. At first he stroked my penis. When it was hard, he sat on it WITHOUT A CONDOM. I was shocked but i couldnt push him off as he was pushing me down and he was stronger than me. He'd grind his hard ass on my pelvis, causing me tremendous pain just to reach his g-spot. And that was how i topped a guy for the first time....

this is just my opinion in general of what tops, bottoms and vers are. So guys, do be careful when meeting people out there. dont let yourself be used and abused either physically or emotionally. It's possible to be PLU and not be obsessed with sex, and to lead a life like any other straight guy. You just have to stop meeting the wrong type of guys who tell you its okay to have ONS with guys and those who tend to cajole and beg for sex, or manipulate you to get emotional satisfaction on their side (but they dont care not even one bit on yours)...sure these things happen also in the str8 world, but a lesser frequency. Being PLU dosent mean you need to get manipulated or that you need to manipulate guys to be your boyfriend....

The top and the bottom

i love these 2 denominations of the gay community, mainly because it tells a lot about the person's personality and behaviors. There has been a really interesting sterotype that if you're a top you'll behave in a certain way, different from bottom and vice versa. I first encountered this in the spiritual organization where i was questioned by some people if i was a top or a bottom. I didint like the idea of penises inside my ass so i said top. They then said i would most probably be a bottom since i like to be served and i didint like to be independent. Well, i do like serving others and i am independent just that i could not express that at the time.

So what really makes a top a top and a bottom a bottom?

A top plays an active role in everything: the 1st to initiate, the one that would ask the waiter to service, the one that would drive, the one that is in control of the relationship actively. Real tops are people who are independent and strong willed and would usually pay for the meals and demands so. They hate being served at but dont mind the occasional one. Personality wise, the Top is always responsible and accountable, punctual and may appear to be egoistic at first but would melt down to a kind and caring heart once you get their trust. In a relationship, usually the one that would tolerate arguments and misunderstandings, as well as give more benefit of the doubt. Also the one that would be the first to talk things out. They tend to be more accommodating in everything. Tops usually derive pleasure from pleasuring others in bed, and they are very attentive to bottoms during sex, making sure that they feel good and that they're not in pain. Also the one that will cum the last.

A bottom, well is a bottom: the passive one, also the diva one. Diva guys are 99.9% bottoms even if they declare otherwise. Demanding, cold and they do require alot of pampering, talking and impressing. They'd usually look more on the body than personality and end up breaking their hearts too often. bottoms are more sensitive and require more attention and will appear to be more demanding but shy, but melts down to a soft and vulnerable personality. They're usually the ones that will do the arguing in the relationship and would most probably take over the role of the 'wife' like cooking, cleaning and washing the clothes. They would always demand their partners to initiate the peace talks and refuse to make peace until that happens. Bottoms usually care only about their own pleasure during sex and the 1st to cum.

In some instances, the top will lie to being the bottom and vice versa, maybe to trap guys of a certain personality or to appear more superior, but in reality not much difference. when a bottom tops a guy, usually no technique will be involved and the guy would be in a lot of pain, but when a top bottoms for someone, its usually for someone he cares about. So guys, if you lie about your position, it can be seen thru easily. Also, thats why i ask if you're a top or a bottom when i meet a PLU because it says quite a lot about their personalities.

What about vers guys? maybe next post, or could they be one of the really accommodating types? we'll find out in the next post. :P

Know your bisexual

I've noticed that alot of people in the PLU world tend to despise bisexuals although bisexuals are part of the who gay ecosystem because its as if bi guys hurt gay guys on purpose. And all bi guys are evil.

Well i'm gonna need to do some clarifications here: Yes, Bis can change their orientation, but not all the time. Yes, they have hurt a shitload of guys (and girls) and yes, they cannot control who them fall in love with, but there are a few types of bi guys because not all bi guys are bad. There are good ones as well and shouldnt be lumped in with the bad ones. the few types of bi guys are mainly

1) the oversexed one.

These are not exactly bi guys, they're just hypersexed. They just need someone to have sex with them and it so happens that sex with guys is a lot more convenient to do it with as there's no worries with periods and moods associated with girls. It's just the anus and the dick. They get excited at nudity of both sexes because they just wanna have sex. It is after all easier to get a guy to have sex with another guy than to get a girl without requiring too much money. In other words, they're just having sex with guys because its easier than girls although their heart still desires girls. Fridae terms them as MSM (men who have sex with men) and they could even be str8 guys who just have sex with guys to release pressure. They do fall in love with guys all the same, but obviously its a short lived one (usually).

2) the truly open minded one.

There are some people in this world who can love another irregardless of age, race and gender. And these are the real bisexuals because if they meet someone they really love, they can disregard everything else and go for the person. These types are truly rare but they do exist. Once they fall in love with someone, they will not switch camps because there is no need to: they love the person and not the body and its irrelevant. So if they happen to like a guy, they'll just sacrifice their ego and learn to be gay. If they like a girl they'll just be who they are.

3) the scene kid.

these are guys who think gay is the new black, but they're really straight. Anyone can suck a cock and pretend to be gay right. Some of them eventually 'give up' and lead a normal life but some dont. They like the feeling and think it's fun to go against the norm and they do this by having sex with men. They're not for relationships and even if they're in one, its usually all for show. They're obvious by how they try to dress up like metrosexuals (or ah bengs) and them liking other guys in a superficial way.

So there you see, the few different types of bi guys and some people may even be a combination of both or more. At the end, the problem lies not with bisexuality but people in general as there are individuals who wont think twice about taking advantage of others and then dumping them when they are through. You just have to be very careful and spot the signs. Type 1 and 3 is to be avoided, and type 2 comes very rarely. So, never jump in...

*PS If you are offended by this post, or if there are inaccuracies, please do comment below. Your feedback is much appreciated as it helps me fine tune my blogging style and thoughts.

relationship?

recently i received a proposal from a virgin gay from fridae. he asked to be my boyfriend on the 1st day we talked on MSN. and he doesnt want friendship but relationship. He's quite buff and attractive as well, but he complains that he's too big sized which turned a lot of guys off I told him "well, we could try and see what happens. this has to happen slowly."

"yes dear."

Apparently, he dosent have a laptop at home and only has 1 PC which his sister uses during the night. All of his salary goes to expenses. I did tell him to get a cheap netbook so that we could communicate but seems that its not possible.

okay.

So next day i decided to call him to get to know him more. He said during lunchtime. we talked for 7 minutes and he ended the call when he went back to office. okay.

i called him after work. he told me he was eating and later no, more SMSes from him. he only told me he was with his mom when I SMSed and ask him what happened. 30 mins later he SMSed back (when i was at home) that he's now free to talk. oh pooey.

earlier, he's promised to meet up this saturday but today he suddenly said not tommorow. if he really likes me why would he not call me and not meet me up? he should be eager right?

and the creepiest thing of all: when i shared with him my sexual history (i do it to friends as well, its my way of showing my endearment with them) and his reaction was: "wah so notty. ok i trust u this time and forgive u" until i KEEP reminding him that it was the past and thats not me anymore. At this point i am frustrated and creeped out.

seems like he dosent want me as much as he claims to be. however there's 1 more candidate which i'll share with you guys later..

however the more i meet them, the more i dont feel like i wanna be in one.

Self importance

recently ive tried to knock myself a few new guy-friends *acts innocent* but it seems rather weird. there's a barrier already so fast. But that cant be helped right :P

to be honest, i do wanna know a bit more friends these days (despite having quite a number of them now) because well, i need something special. I want friends that invite me to birthday parties, friends that trust me enough to let me in their home.

I went to muay thai class (cute instructor and participants, who wouldnt go?!) and i saw 3 college kids in the class (who are somewhat buff. yum!) ragging around. they grabbed each others' bodies and chased each other etc. It kinda remind me that i never experience that sort of closeness with any friends before.

or maybe its because its the barrier i built?