Confessions of a bi fox

Yanno, it aint easy being bi or whatever that explains sporadic attractions to women and then towards men.

Because there are times where i'd totally have no interest in guys at all and would totally want female company and vice versa. This makes it impossible for me to get into any relationships, as during the 'straight' period i'd probably be repulsed by a male body and not even gay porn could arouse me at all. At other times, the very thought of 2 muscled asian guys having sex would be enough to drive me hard. If i get a boyfriend, those straight times would make me distance myself from them. not gonna be easy and no one deserves to go thru that.

There were many many days (even now) where i'd wake up and i felt really disgusted and angry that i also sexually attracted to guys but not emotionally, emotionally attracted to girls but not so much sexually. I cant really accept my sexuality as it is and in more ways than one still struggling with my sexuality. It's been really painful to think about because i'd really be able to accept a girlfriend more than a boyfriend because 1) i dont wanna be 'under' a guy or be his property! I'm a wild beast rawr! and 2) submitting to another man is emotionally impossible and humiliating to me. I'm only attracted to a guy physically and it ends there. anything else is friendship. or perhaps a friend that can relieve my sexual desires and vice versa without the emotional attachment but with friendship intact. It's extremely hard to find someone with the maturity to handle this, perhaps another bi guy? With that said, there are times where i just wanna feel loved, and i dont care if its a guy or a girl...its okay if its a he....thats what i tell myself...

I check out both guys and girls. especially those hot ones. They make me feel good. I do it everywhere: at the gym, in the malls, in restaurants or even at my own office :p and sometimes being naughty at the urinals, trying to peep at other guy's dicks. Trying to stop that...arugh...probably because i've been celibate for the last 7 months. The closest thing to sex was touching myself and the random guy at the gym sauna (which rarely happens, probably once in 4 months) but i never ejaculated because i figured its gonna be more intense and satisfying when i do it with the guy who promises to only have sex with me exclusively (possibly boyfriend, but really not into relationships, rather not hurt anyone. besides not worth the trouble, but rather a friend that i can talk to, hang out with, see movies, and yet have sex w/o affecting the friendship) the reason being is i dont wanna risk diseases. even tho my sexual resume has been quite long in the past..cant change my past stupidity but i can only be wiser now....

last but not least, ever wondered why do i call myself a fox? because just like the legendary fox spirit, us bi guys are always discriminated unfairly against, that all bi guys are bad <-> all fox spirits are bad. But my main inspiration would be from Qin Cai Sheng, the protagonist of the manga, Divine Melody:

Who is a fox spirit who can switch genders at will. She has a pure heart but due to inexperience, messes up the lives of a bunch of people at the end, falls in love with 3 people...while trying to avoid being killed by the fairies and some overzealous taoist priest. It kinda reminds me a lot of myself.. :x But I'm always male, have totally no interest at all to be female or effeminate although i do have my vulnerable side...

the only way to get through a full life nowadays and feel fulfilled and happy, is to just push all of these issues into 1 corner and deal with what is at hand. if its not enough distractions are needed. But sadly its always gonna be there until i deal with it. There's so much less shit/issues in my mind now compared to the last time because i've been relentlessly forcing myself to work on them. But with that said, i do need a break sometimes.