too bad i am an aquarius

note: the title is referring to Miriam Yeung's song, not me.

A friend of mine has recently told me that someone he knows who is an aquarius has just broken up and is probably because aquariuses have icy cold personalities where they usually keep an emotional distance from people around them. It would be hard to connect to an aquarius, although they are good with people and appear to  me mr perfect on the outside but in reality they are like a turtle in a shell: keeping out people who want to care, even from their partners. And thus hurting a lot of people who try to care on the way. Kinda reminded me of an aquarian  friend who happens to be a really great friend on the surface but emotionally detached as a friend as i try to get closer as one. He did not care for his now ex bf's emotional needs as well. My question is, why get into relationships when you dont want to care about people's emotional needs? Why hurt others for a moment of pleasure?

Apparently, people born under this sign are very cold and disconnected from the people around them, and  they will think that is normal. And they will snub friends off and brush off anyone who tries to care about them as  they value their freedom in life over anything else. The water bearer pours everything out but does not get wet at all...apparently. And they will  think they did nothing wrong, and that they will never change.

But really do horoscopes  matter? What if you are an aquarius and you have the aforementioned trait? Its  not really about  horoscopes or fixed personalities, its rather whether or not you are willing to change to be someone who will hurt less people or stay the way you are and hurt more people along the way. You cant please everyone but you can make the world more bearable by just changing your behavior after seeing how it hurts others. It's not easy  but being aware of people you hurt should be. It's not a matter of horoscopes but self introspection and observation. Would you keep a negative trait just because it is "you" or change that trait so that you wont leave a trail of broken hearts behind?

Horoscopes can predict personalities only because people are too lazy to change their personalities because either they are too lazy or too afraid of being 'someone' else. But is it worth it to hurt others in establishing your own personality? Do let me know what you think.

Here's a quote i got from a friend:

 How can someone who 'loves' someone, treat the other person like shxt and hence caused them to feel hurt? True love is a state of mind that's rare, because it involves altruism, willingness to sacrifice and care for OTHERS at your own expense. It's not the "heart beats fast when I see you, you misses him even before you part"; it is truly a quality to develop.

strange connections

I guess i havent really talked about how i met the otters (tulsy otter and dancey otter). I met tulsy otter first then it was dancey. But what was freaky was we actually met months before that first meet in august. And i was sitting right beside them.

It was a play by launiang and dancey was actually singing to the opening act by some singing representative. And i was wondering gays these days are so flashy as dancey otter even had a scarf. He looked realllyyyy...campy. I even text-ed launiang if (s)he knew them since im pretty sure they're gay. His reply was "cibai you think i know all the gay guys meh?"

So thinking back...it was rather uncanny to sit right beside them during the play and then being their friends later O.O also, it turns out that they had a friend who was acting in the play. Uncanniness!

how freaky is it to sit next to a bunch of strangers, only to be friends with them a few months later? uncanny, innit?

Out of the den

The fox has been really busy for the past 2 months moving out from his parents' place and into a new den which is nearer to his workplace and spiritual home, as well as some friends. The spiritual home is very important to fox already. Its the link between him and the world he came from ^^ (no, lil foxie is not from earth ^^)

And its a brand new process for foxie. he has to resetup the den and his bank account is now empty >_< he has to get things ready, clean up his own room, buy things that are missing and alls. but at the same time he gets more freedom and hangs out with friends at later times and can micro manage foxie's life more ^^

I think it is a very good experience. All along i have been living in accordance with my parents' wishes and now i am free to live life the way i want to. With that comes the responsibilities and chores. If i dont pick up my clothes its gonna stay that way. Nobody's gonna pick it up for me. And i have to organize my time instead of just spending it in front of the computer. It's no longer go back home and have a hot meal; its plan and eat in advance before i reach home. No clean toilets and shower. But still a great experience for me to go through.

I'll call my new room the den. hehe.

Hopefully things will turn out to be good despite the cost. I am confident i can be a better person with this. After all the fox's spiritual adviser can never be wrong :P

cries of the celestial fox

[This is yet another story that i feel like writing. is it real? is it fake? i'll let you guys decide ^_^ ]

The reason why i am still single is because...i dont want to go through the pain of seeing him die before my time.

And ive had plenty of lovers, or owners, as you will, that i had to watch them die.

They cant grow old with me, because i dont age like they do.

My heart has been ripped open, healed, and then ripped open again.

Im still finding my previous owner. I am sure his reincarnation is somewhere and this beastial heart years for his presence.

We foxes may be sly, manipulative and crafty, but once we meet a friend, owner or lover who is worth hanging on to, we rarely let go.

its the curse of being a fox. its a long and painful journey that i doubt many other mortals around here can endure...

cursed to be attracted to both genders

cursed to be in an unattractive body

cursed to have no social skills

cursed to be alone, forever searching and yearning

many millennia ago when i was just a fresh fox spirit, i manipulated and tricked so many people into surrendering their essences to me...is this the retribution? to wander around cursed yearning for something he can never have...

praying everyday that the curse ends and that i wake up beside someone who really cares for me and loves me for the cursed creature i am. After all..i am here for my penance for all the horrible things i have done. I know i should not hope for much, but this beastial heart cannot help but to follow its instincts....

but neverthenless i do have a purpose here and i have to achieve it in order to make my stay here worthwhile. The wounds may always be there, but why should i let them stop me from leading life like everyone else on earth? I cant use my powers anymore and the other deities tease me, but thats allright, they dont have the tenacity i possess.

After coming here to earth i realize im not so bad after all. I learnt more about the humans that i hate so much. They kill so indiscriminately but when its their turn to die, they squirm and beg for mercy like the very creatures they destroy. But despite that there are gems hidden, and i yearn for this gems.

if i dont achieve my mission, i have agreed to be dissolved. That is only for me to blame. I miss my old body. It's been over 20 years and i still cant get used to this human one. It is very limiting.

but i will make the best of it.

slighty away

hey folks, sorry for the lack of updates. am in the middle of a big change in my life and this could really take a while to complete. I'll update this blog by then. Because there are a few more important things beyond writing about my gay life (which has been suspended since, and im living life just like anyone else) so there will be a hiatus of sorts. Do stay tuned and dont delete me off your blogroll just yet!!

the big thing about love

I have been thinking a lot about this topic for the past few days/weeks/months/forever and i realize that sometimes, love is not that all worth it at the end.

you take the effort and time to get to know someone, to learn that person as a person, and you have to open up to allow that person to learn about you (if it is one sided, you're just playing around. seriously dont ever do that. it is cruel to the other guy especially if he has opened himself up to you) and then accept and embrace the other person for all he/she/it is. And then do it mutually. It is a tiring process but if we've been only thinking about ourselves all along, this is a very rewarding process because for once we focus on someone else. That feeling itself is a nice thing because for once you dont have to just solve only your own problems, for once you can let someone in your heart and have less of me in there.

But how many people around have true love? Many people just exploit the fact that most people fall easily with chemistry (which can be easily stimulated with the right words and body language) and they dont care what entails. Or the worst ones are those who seduce, date and sweet talk people into opening up and then they themselves dont open up (i have experience with a few of those already) and when they're done, they just cut off all communications and pretended that nothing ever happened and leave the other guy to lick his own wounds. As if other people have no feelings and only they have. It's also these very same people who would end up alone because their trickery will reach its limit...and having no one there to open up to and having to face everything alone will reach its limit and when it does, they end up being old, alone, bitter and unhappy. Ironically, they are doing this because they feel alone and lonely and they want to try to remove it by 'dating' someone, but what they are doing will just increase what they are running away from. They will try to surround themselves with designer goods, or go to the gym everyday and get a muscled body, or friends, but they wont really be happy because it is just an escape...not the remedy. i feel very sad for these people, really. The only cure is just to open up and think of the feelings of others with every action.

Sometimes, the ulterior motive is very clear and obvious. In some couples, one half is obviously exploiting the willing half for money/lodging/emotional support and it is very disgusting for me to bear witness to such heinous and disgusting relationships. There's no such thing as a free lunch and whatever you take from others, you will need to repay sooner or later. I had plenty of opportunity to engage in such relationships but i refuse to because i know what it is going to end up to be at the end. When people give you something, they want something back from you and you have to give it...sometimes it could be more than you can give, and that is very scary. Guys who usually seek such relationships will also end up like what i talked about in the previous paragraph...

Problem is even if you're sincere there is no way to tell if the other guy is sincere. And it might be a very long time before you can encounter someone like that. But at least you can check if the other guy is sincere and it is quite easy. Chemistry is fun and engaging but what is important is what happens AFTER that. What is wrong with being sincere and opening up to someone that you know can accept you for who you are? The ugliness, beauty, nastiness, tantrums, humor, kindness and all?

I would like to fall in love, but not use people or exploit them even though i am capable of. And i will avoid people who bear red flags for all of these. Perhaps it is better this way and i can focus on more important things in life such as spirituality :)

different me's

It's been a rough journey throughout but im not going to give up at all. That's so not me to give up.

Sucker punch is a very good movie but it could be confusing at some extent. I like babydoll's will to fight. And since my mind is always wrapped in some sort of soap opera (yeah i see everything around me as a soap opera, everyone's a guest starring or recurring character or perhaps an extra) so i can like, so, relate, to babydoll. And i also have fantasies within a fantasy. It makes life more bearable.

reading the previous posts does make me realize i've been not myself for the last month or so. But i need to regain myself. I enjoy meeting people and i do need friends but fact is, not many around for me and the ones i can really relate to, but of late something's snapped in me.

This post isnt really supposed to be here, it's out of character but i dont care anyway. I think sometimes people do deserve to know the real, boring, socially ackward me but im learning. It's a painful process. I've always felt like i dont belong. when i interact with people, and social ackwardness and not knowing what to do in a social setting sets in, and when some friends exclude me from their circle it reaffirms the fact that i dont feel like i belong here on earth. So i gotta be more careful...

I feel like a fox trapped in a cage running around biting his tail...imagining it to be prey outside...entertaining myself and convincing myself im in the fields. Thats why i guess i relate to films like sucker punch. Maybe i need to get lobotomized. lol. Or restore my powers and fly back to heaven and become a Fox god or something. But nah thats not gonna happen. Its just like that brothel in sucker punch when in reality they are at the mental hospital.

I'll learn to react properly in social situations and i will learn to trust and open up more. I'm still alive after everything might as well try to adapt. I dont have a choice.

Now im just waiting for mr invisible to get me......LAUDAREE MACAROONS!!!! :p *runs around biting tail*

The sauna date.

A newfound friend wanted some sauna experience, so i brought him there.

Since he is taken i had to make sure that he dosent get molested or taken advantage of. So i went with him. I've retired from this sort of thing, but i dont mind getting felt up or jerked off.

As usual, the whole place was filled with guys in towels walking around and/or having sex in the sauna or steam room or the dark room. Or in the private rooms. Obviously, sauna virgin was very excited and amazed and he'd want to bring his partner along the next time he comes back to KL to the same sauna we went to (which is near where his bf stays by the way). It was not weird at all seeing each other nude -- it was just like camping. However it was slightly awkward to allow some guy to grab my dick and me grabbing his teeny 3incher in front of the friend. As he wandered around, getting sauna-ed, jacuzzi-ed, steam-ed etc, i was busy making my rounds getting molested in the darkroom. It's fucking mating season fuckers!

So, there was Creep A who felt me up and gave me a handjob followed by a blowjob in the darkroom (minus my consent, but that is what you'd expect in a gay sauna right?). He never got hard, which was annoying, and he started stalking me and my friend when we were outside. I attempted to start a conversation with him and found out that he is staying with his family, and he was 40. But his face looked really smooth. till it was creepy. It was the stalking that turned me off. Even Sauna Virgin was feeling uncomfortable as he felt Sauna Virgin up in the steam room. Luckily, Sauna Virgin was used to that due to too many camping trips. I did ask him for a phone number when i was somewhat impressed by him, but i quickly got really annoyed by his stalking and just ignored him. He passed me a piece of paper with his number. Deftly ignored. If only he did not stalk me and my friend.

Creep B asked me in to a private room. I rejected him the first time. Then on the 2nd time, it was the darkroom. I felt him up and he has a huge and interesting cock. He then asked me into the private room which i assumed that he wanted a good conversation. Not. he tried very hard to enter me and even rimmed me. I begged him no because i do not do it with strangers, and i definitely do not do it without protection. The wrestling was rather exciting tho, but if only he was my bf but nah. If he thinks its okay to do it, he definitely failed. But i guess he deserved a small chance. So i took down his number. And we left.

I SMSed him on that night and he called immediately and talked about sex. In front of granny. Needless to say i got into trouble and i had to talk a lot to undo the damage. -1 point for lack of consideration! The next day, he started SMSing. Okay. That's sweet. But in chinese which i cant read and who the fuck assumes that every chinese reads chinese? -1 point. Then he called. Twice. And i could sense his desperation. It was a HUUUUGE TURN OFF. He begged me to call him and acted all desperate. At least he is 28 but works as an office boy and stays around PJ.

Later after work and begging me to meet up with him (which i refused -- no thank you) but i did call him and boy. it was a huge mistake. he kept ranting on and on, mainly on how people have treated him and about his ex blah blah. At this point i was pretty much determined to call it off and i was really pissed because he kept talking like a salesman that i could do whatever i want and he respects it, and that he would give me a probation period of 2 months. But i am really sorry -- i dont dig guys who get overly obsessive, or desperate, or both when it comes to dating. Especially after a rape attempt against me. There was not a hint of gentlemanness, but only bitterness and scars. I feel sorry for him, until he said its either lovers or nothing at all. Then he changed back his story to giving me the 2 months trial. I had a hard time telling him no. its not gonna work because he was THAT desperate.

I finally managed to end it with "next time PLEASE dont talk too much about yourself on the first conversation with your date. It scares people." And he apologized. And that is pretty much it and i dont really plan to meet him again and he got the message.

Now i realize why most guys choose to just ignore instead of tell the other person "lets not see each other anymore" like straight couples.

And with that i wont be going to gay saunas for a very, very long time. I'm too good for that.

Foxy requirements

I'm the fox on the right...if you are the fairy/guy on the left please take care of me once more T_T sorry for leaving you on earth to fly to heaven 100000 years ago i miss you!!

ARGH!! It's my mating season again. It comes twice a year: April and September. It's the time of the year when i feel horny, lovesick and desperate. But this year i must hold it in so that i can be 1 step closer to being a fox fairy a decent person. I guess its just something i need to go through. Sadly tho the timing of my hormones is the same as the cats and dogs. When the cats and dogs start howling...so will my heart =__________=" ughhhhhhh now who says its fun to be a fox?! not its not fun at all!!

right....since i am searching for a partner, might as well talk about the requirements here. Obviously since i am a male fox somemore, and traditionally male foxes love philosophy and the arts, the owner bf must be well versed in the arts of the senses -- art, music, food, perfumery, philosophy. He has to have a maturity and sophistication and depth of a certain level. Age wise, older guys preferred. I aint gonna babysit no kiddos!! He must be able to carry out conversations and must be able to adjust himself according to situations. And sincerity is important. A fox never forgives a liar, especially if it happens to be a date or a lover, so if you do screw that part with me.....you're gonna lose all your chances and i will BITE BACK. Hard. Also dont forget that the fox can see through lies very easily....i'm old!! He has to be matured (has anyone notice what is my main criteria yet?) and independent in all the ways. In a way being my lover is almost like adopting me like a pet, but a very intelligent one, so if the potential date has a pet that is well taken cared of, it should not be too different than taking care of me. Except you dont have to bathe me (I dont mind that at all!!) and all the likes. Love me and i shall return it tenfold, but scorn me and you shall suffer greatly.

see its not that high. any takers? or you know anyone that fit the bill that you can introduce me to? I'm not too demanding, emotionally and materially, but you do need to provide emotional support when needed. Material support is a bonus for me. You dont have to be muscular, just show that you groom yourself well and take care of yourself well.

There is a song that actually sums up what i would like my potential bf to be like :P yes i know its a tranny, but the song is addictive. really, really addictive. And yes she is singing about the perfect bf for most of us.

Company

Another fanfic. Enjoy!

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I went directly to the hotel. That was what the directions said anyway. It was a very expensive and luxurious 5 star hotel. I went up the 30th floor, room 3115.

I gave a gentle knock on the door. This triggered a gentle shuffling sound to approach.

He opened the door. A well-groomed Chinese man in this late 30s opened the door. "Ah, you're here. Come in please." He was wearing a red polo shirt and long sporty shorts.

I made my way through the door, into the posh room of wallpapers and luxurious beddings. As expected from a world renowned 5 star hotel. He took a seat on the bed.

"you look good for your age."

"thank you!"

"a nice guy like you dosent deserve to be lonely. Let me fix that." I said with as smirk.

He smiled with a big, horny grin.

It was time to get down to business.

"So" I said, "What would you like me to do, Mr Alex, or shall i just call you Alex?"

"I am lonely. And i just need some company. Will you be able to give me that?"

"Why sure! That is my job is it not?"

"Good. Now come here." Alex said, as he patted the bed beside him. "Let me have a closer look at you."

I made my way and sat by him.

"you are a gorgeous man. I knew i did not make the wrong choice! you have a nice bone structure! And a pleasant face! If i did not know you any better i'd assume you to be just a regular straight man!" Alex commented, as his hands made my way on my body and genitals.

It's standard operating procedure. And yes for the record, I am straight. Just that i dont mind this being done to me.

"Oh!" And he exclaimed. "An asian-sized package!! I love medium dicks, I hate huge ones. They tend to hurt."

"Glad that you liked it. I'm yours for tonight" I said, with a satisfied smile. Again, standard operating procedure.

His hands started to tremble in excitement. They were cold as they undid my jeans. He pulled them down, revealing my genitals. The profile sheet said that Alex preferred guys who do not wear underwear.

"Such beauty!!" He exclaimed, as he proceeded to examine my cock and balls. I had trimmed my pubic hair beforehand. It is important to keep the goods neat. "How exquisite!! it's clean and neat! And its circumcised!! so clean!" And with that, my pants came off.

I was told to circumcise when i decided to do this. It was for cleanliness and safety purposes. In case of infections.

He started to rub my torso and proceeded to pull off my tee. I was stark naked now -- the goods he wanted was on display. Strangely, he showed little interest on my body. He excitedly stripped naked himself, and proceeded to suck my cock. He was quite bad in technique and although i did got hard, i did not felt stimulated.

He stopped sucking me and asked if i was ready to enter him. I reached out to my jeans on the bedside and procured a condom. He watched excitedly as i tore off the wrapper and stretched it over my erect penis. I looked at him and signaled that i was ready. He got on top of me quickly, slowly planting my erect penis into his anus. His anus was quite loose as it went in quickly. I could not feel his anus hugging my penis as a normal ass would. I was pretty sure he would have been using an anal plug or a dildo on a regular basis.

He rode my hard cock for a good 30 minutes and since it was barely stimulating, i was not aroused but i acted as if i was. I played with his dick, jerking it as he bounced up and down on mine. It was not long before he ejaculated and decided that he had enough.

"I could really feel your dick inside of me. It felt great!"

"I loved your ass too..it was so tight!" Lying, is, again, part of the standard operating procedure.

Alex went to the bathroom and cleaned up the cum, while i removed the condom from my dick. I took out a pack of wet wipes from my jeans pocket, and wiped off his filthy, smelly cum. God knows what kind of disease he might have if he was a regular. He came out a short while later.

"Shall we cuddle?"

"yeah, sure"

"Might as well finish up the rest of my 2 hours with you"

He laid beside me, naked, with his right hand over my shoulder, and his left hand on my chest.

"You look like a fine young man. and i do love your company. You are different from the others. You dont have to do this all the time. I'll buy you out. I just broke up with my boyfriend after he cheated on me."

So many men had said this to me before. But really, i dont have feelings for me. I only have feelings for her in my entire life.

"I could, but that would be limiting myself. Plus, i have no feelings towards men. I've seen too many men who have cheated on their partners, using me. No matter what, i will always be a whore. Its a reality that i have accepted, that i will never be clean."

I gave him a matter-of-factly stare. His expression froze. A tear fell from his eye.

"please, you dont have to do this anymore. I want to take care of you! I want to protect you! I dont mind your background and past! I want you to be happy! please be with me!" He begged with a pitiful voice. He gave me a hug. I allowed him to. I pitied him. I could feel his loneliness and desperation.

But sadly, the time was up.

"I'm sorry, time's up."

He stood up and reached for his wallet. He pulled a wad of bills.

"I hope this will keep you off work for a while."

I took the bills with a smile. I counted them and it was around $500.

"thank you. but you really dont have to"

"I want you to have it. It's the least i can do...to help you."

I took the cash and stuffed it to my jeans which i slipped on. I also wore my shirt, and made my way of the hotel room.

"Bye"

"Bye!! I'll call you again if i am near!"

I walked out of the door, and popped in some Chiclets. I made my way home back into my apartment 3 blocks away. I felt the money in my pocket. It was the only way where i could support myself and afford things for her even though we are just friends now.

dark clouds

time for a deep post. too many shallow/simple posts dont reflect this blog well. hehe.

Depression is not about feeling emo or sad or down. Its something more. well i am not even sure if what this is, is depression or something else.

Sometimes dark clouds suddenly appear in my mental scape, but it is still possible to intensify the sunlight and let the day to appear normal, but the clouds are still there. You see, it is possible to get over that feeling of dread and still continue functioning like normal by willpower, but it will start to affect judgement and also the way you see things.

Everything seems fine and dandy, you can conquer the world but somehow or rather you feel that something is coming up.

Meetings with friends feel great and normal, but somehow or rather their presence fades in your mind even though they are talking to you.

You chat with friends but you cant seem to feel them being there anymore. You feel that whatever they say seem to be just words. You cant feel anything anymore.

Time seemed to have stood still even the numbers in the clock and calendar keeps changing.

Its allright it feels, for the numbers to run but not do anything. No need to arrange. cant move even if i want to.

You try to lift a hand but nothing happens. You start to lose control as everything around starts fading and you feel empty in a room. Time and space melts completely.

Before you know it you did something stupid to hurt your friends, and there is no way you can control what you are doing or thinking. You can only see this person in your body doing the things you should be doing and making terrible mistakes.

When the mistakes are done, he gives you your body back and it hurts to know what happened. He tells you he hurts your friends on purpose to hurt you and crack you. The mental pain becomes unbearable. He tells you that you should be dead, because as long as you're alive people around you will be hurt.

You start cleaning up the mess, but it can sometimes be too late. And the mental pain is almost mind numbing. You start to take control again, but everything is still a blur as if your head is submerged below water.You still feel numb and woozy like 2 hours after some surgery.

And its been happening for so long that you really gave up all hopes of it being better. And you start to consider what he tells you, that you should die by overdosing on something..

thats whats been happening in my mind. It is tiring....

The Goddess called.

"It's not your first time going through this. By now you should be used to it. You've been through this so many times. It is time you develop a coping mechanism. Your friends should know about this by now and if they dont...well...you decide if they are worth being a friend. No matter what, just clean up the mess and repair what needs to be repaired and move on. Next time you decide to allow it to take over you, just be reminded of this."

oh well. she's right. Now im just picking up the pieces.

kumachan and grindr

kumachan was showing off that his phone can function as a wifi access point and told fox to connect:

fox: okay lemme see how much bandwidth my friend finding app takes. *opens iphone*

kumachan: what friend finding app? see?

*fox opens grindr* fox: this

*grindr opens and also shows alot of topless guys O_O"

kumachan: why all guys? where are the girls? girls!!

fox: er, because the girls havent registered yet?

kumachan: sure alot of creepy desperados wan once you put girl picture

fox: er..yah maybe :P

And you know, he's actually right about the creepy desperados part. nyahahhaa

I'm still kind of amused that he is really, really that blur. Despite the very obvious part that its for gay guys, he still thinks its for finding girls.

35, single and clueless. Nothing can seriously be more adorable :P

One of the things that makes the fox's job in the office a bit more bearable sometimes hehe

If superheroes were gay

Nothing can be as gay as this comic...not even if all the gay bloggers went to the same party....

forsaken

Here's a lil fanfic from me that i just thought of:

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"where are we heading to?"

I asked Remy, my boyfriend of 5 years, while prodding his ribs.

"oh well you'll know" He said, nonchalantly.

It was our 5th anniversary together. He said he wanted to take me somewhere special to celebrate. I even took a day off from my precious annual leaves for this.

The car went past many buildings, before it finally came to a stop at a shoplot in a sprawling urban area.

"we're here babe, get off the car"

And i did.

He went ahead of me and he was greeted by a few rough-looking men. They were chinese. Quite well built. I did not have a good feeling in my gut about this, but i told myself to trust Remy. However, Remy's been looking listless since this morning.

The few rough looking men turned around to look at me. They had a creepy smile. Remy turned around and signalled me to come over.

"go in. past that door" he said, gesturing to a door framed by a dirty-looking alley.

I went in. My guts told me to run, but my heart told me to do this for Remy. Perhaps it was something special...

As soon as i entered, the 3 rough looking men and Remy entered. Remy had tears in his eyes. the 3 men approached me. I panicked.

"Remy, whats going on?! why what?"

"I'm sorry baby" he apologized between sobs.

1 man grabbed my arms. The other my legs. As the third man started to pull down my pants. My shirt was undone and i was naked.

"what is the meaning of this....you're supposed to protect me!!" I shouted in disbelief.

"Baby...i hate to do this..i dont have a choice....its the only way i could get out of debt"

My mind went into a state of shock, then betrayal. Remy was a well-to-do businessman, running a consultant agency. He would always be decked in LVs and Hermes items. His bag would at least have to be Dior. He'd make sure i'd be in at least a CK tee, especially when we go out. The word debt..never crossed my mind...

my genitals were now exposed to the 3rd man. I felt so vunerable and humiliated. He fingered my tight butt.

"Tight! he is indeed exotic meat!!" he exclaimed to his friends

"its about time we have a taste of dainty swans!"

I could guess what was about to happen. Remy sat in the corner, covering his face. with tears flowing down his eyes. I struggled to break free but the men held me down firmly. I shouted and screamed.

the 3rd guy undid his pants to reveal a huge, hard cock with a huge head. I had never bottomed before as it was very tight below. Remy was always the bottom. he played a bit with my cock. It got hard because i was very shocked. My world was crumbling and i will be violated against my will....

"haha see he likes this! he's so hard now!"

"NO IM NOT PLEASE LET ME GO...I DONT DO THIS!"

*slap*

a tight slap landed across my face. it hurted. I just did not want to resist anymore....it was the most painful form of betrayal anyone could ever encounter....my face went numb.

"shut the fuck up. who asked him to owe us money. Blame him for this!"

The 3rd guy entered me hard and roughly. The pain was incredible. I felt a burn running up my anus, scraping my insides. I let out a scream of pain. I lost my sense of control and just screamed. As he entered me i lost all energy to the pain....and other two guys started to undo their pants and took turns placing their penises into my gaping mouth, stifling the scream.

I could feel intense pain, the pain of my nether regions being violated with every thrust. And my throat was gagging with the huge cocks. I choked. the pain. of both the betrayal and the rape numbed my mind. I just didint resist anymore and allowed them to do whatever they please. This body isnt mine. nobody wants me anyway.

I just didint know what to do anymore. i felt like a dead body. It was all dark. Good. I did not feel anything anymore.

As i hear Remy's sobbing being faded away by the laughter and taunts of my rapists...i knew i was the forsaken...denied by God for being gay...i am nothing but a shameless whore, a piece of rag, to be used by others this way. I dont deserve to be with Him....

5 things to not do when knowing someone from a gay dating site

If you're new to fridae/axcest/grindr here are a couple of things you shouldnt do, especially on the first few initial messages:

1) Ask for pictures, even when there is already one on the profile.
Pictures in profiles are actually for courtesy purposes. It gives you an idea of how the guy looks like. Dont demand for more pictures when it's the first few messages. It's very disrespectful and it shows how shallow and stupid you are to care about the looks more than the personality. Especially when you ask for topless/naked pictures. Unless you're choosing someone for a free sex session, which is better and more professionally performed when paid.

2) Ask for/give out phone numbers.
Dont demand for the phone number of the other guy on the 2nd or third message exchange. It's rude and it shows how cheap you are. It also makes the other guy think you are some kind of stalker. Also, be prepared to get calls in the morning from the other guy if you pass him your number without checking him out first. Or even worse, Lady Gaga's paparazzi theme song playing on the other end while you see a shadow outside the window, with the phone and a radio.

3) Ask questions incessantly.

Okay, please dont and never ask questions one after another. It is better to start the conversation by asking about something regarding the guy's profile, except for are you t or b?. Also if they dont respond, dont send another question as that can be annoying as hell. And especially, dont go "u there? hello? can respond?" within the next 5 minutes. Dont start asking things like what do you like to do in bed, how long is your dick, how many exes you have and what is your mother's maiden name. It just shows lack of grey matter. If you want to, do it in a more eloquent way like "My dick is 7", how long is yours? i wonder what is the average size..." If the guy dosent reply after the 2nd or 3rd message, it means he is not interested and you should move on. Dont keep messaging him. You're creeping him out.

4) Start the first few messages with one liners, or worse, one word.

Please dont message people with "hi", "hi hi," "wat u doing" "what u looking for" "fun?" or shit like that, unless you are really looking for a hookup and you dont care what that guy thinks of you. Again, the reply could be "hi" and then "hi" again, being in a neverending loop. Instead, start with "i found your profile erotic/interesting/what i am looking for so yes can we be friends/lovers/sex partners?" At least, you'd look more intelligent and sophisticated that way.

5) Beg for meetups.

One of the worst things to do is to beg the other guy to meet up with you after the first few message exchanges. Dont keep going incessantly on and on to meet up with someone. Always chat first, then phone, before the meetup to avoid disappointments. Also it is disrespectful to other people's schedule and time. And it is also very stalkerish in nature. Next thing you know you'll be googling his address and getting the cloroform...

disclaimer: I'm talking about this because its some of the few mistakes i have made and ive decided to share it. And yes its just my opinion so if you dont like it leave a comment or just dont read it. Unread the words by sticking your pretty lil head onto the monitor. If you like it, leave a comment and keep reading :p

Foxxxy Facts: Muscles? What?

Doing it with him is just as good as doing it with any lean/toned guy

Hey guys! It's time for another episode of foxxxy's facts! These are facts that the fox has written for your pleasure and knowledge.

Muscles are fun to look at and fantasize about when you dont have them. But its not really fun when you get to see them upclose.

After 1.5 years of going to the gym, and seeing my share of muscular doods topless in the lockeroom (and that is A LOT of them), i can safely say that all the nice plump muscles you see on glossy magazines and pictures arent as attractive as we think they may be. It's fun and erotic at first when you see so many muscled men strip and you admire their muscles, but after a while it starts getting normal especially when you realize you can be like that too.

Many lean guys and toned with 6pax also looked like as if they would belong on the same rack as a waxed duck: dried, bony and weak. Add bad skin complexion to the mix and you'd realize being lean and toned is not as nice and sexy as it is supposed to be or look. They're bony and they just look plain weird from the wrong angles. Its like seeing a skeleton wrapped with skin becaise you can make out the shape of the bones and veins and all...ew. Anatomy class anyone? There's no muscled guy with an even complexion.

Muscled guys however look more...healthy and appealing as their muscles are often wrapped with fats. I have nothing against fat in the right amount -- to cloak the bones and veins but when they're not in season and they're fat, they turn to bears...if you're ok with that fine. But again, dont expect good skintone as they often take protein which is bad for the skin. And the BO would be amazing. That soury smell from the excess meat and protein...

Muscled guys tend to be hard all over...so its like bone when you feel them. Its not pleasurable nor warm. Muscles are hard and they do feel like bone...so when you're stroking his big chest you cant feel much but the hard muscles...not the warm flesh. Its like having sex with the statue of david. you want? think again!

Sex with a muscled guy is still nothing compared to doing it with someone you actually have feelings with. Muscles aint anything, really. They look nice, but in actual practice, its not as nice as it seems. Thats why more and more people tend to go for average bodies or chubs, or well built but not muscular or lean/toned.

But that does not mean that there are gays with muscle fetishes who pursue only muscles even when they have it. Maybe its a pathological thing...hmm...

I hope this helps dispel the myth that muscled guys are fun to have sex with: they're not ^_^

*plays credits*

Bromances

There are some very baffling relationships in this world, from the SM master to the slave, the master and the beast, gaybos (gay + lesbos) relationships (when 2 queens decide to spend the life together) and so on, but this has gotta take the cake: bromances.

Bromances are in short, boyfriends minus the sex. Or boyfriends for straight people. It involves 2 straight men being very close friends to the point where they touch each other's bodies and do anything and everything for each other, bring the tea to each other, horse around like lil boys, except for anything sexual. It's like a gay couple that dosent have sex or have any romantic interests. Oddly enough in a creepy way, one of them tends to be very dominant and the other quite submissive, just like in a romantic relationship.

There are 2 bromance couples in my office. It is a cute sight to behold indeed to see 2 grown, straight men fawn over each other as if they were primary school best pals. The more quiet and submissive one would be in all smiles when he's with the older, married guy, who has that sharp wit and manliness. They'd advice each other and talk about everything. The submissive guy would be taking the papers and bringing the coffee from the coffee bean counter for him. I'm often invited over as the 3rd wheel. It is just so adorable! Its like seeing tuls and bubu 20 years later!! Quel Amour! But they're both straight.

The other couple is in my department. It's Kumachan and the owl. When Kumachan goes overseas for work, the owl would be moody for days. Now not so much since ive been foxxxing around and joking about their closeness (which does get on my nerves :P). Because owl talks about sleeping over at kumachan's place, when kumachan is the kind of guy who thinks its awkward to walk in shopping malls with male friends. So it's just really odd for him to have owl that way. They talk to each other fondly and closely And till today, kumachan does not like to get too near me. Maybe he felt my foxxy (read: gay) vibes. So their closeness = bromance.

But you know what, i dont mind having a brofriend at all if i still cant get a bf. Its like having a bf only that he's straight and if i can hide my foxxy vibe enough as it dosent seem to exist in the gay world. or maybe it does, but never seen any. In any case its really fine as long as i get to bond with hoomans! Its actually the closest thing next to a boyfriend. Minus the swordfighting.

How many bromance couples have you seen? and would you mind having a totally platonic BF? (that you need to feign to be straight). Post your comments here. :P

Blog the marketing tool

I got back on my feet everyone! after a week of re-adapting to the new changes and developments in my life. Was not easy but it took me a week or so.

During a meetup with a newfound friend over the weekend, together with tuls and Calvin, we discovered that this newfound friend's bf has a blog. And tuls was freaking out so hard coz he knew so many of them that this friend also knew. And then now there is a new trend lately where bloggers date each other.

I originally started this blog as a tool to help me heal by expressing myself, and placing all my unhappy stuffs out of my heart/mind into this lil website and then its kinda off my system and i feel better a lil. But ive gone past that stage recently and now its more or less time to move on from there and be a totally different person. There's a more outgoing me in the works beneath this nerdy personality and he needs come out with the help of a few friends. Think of it as a new me coming out of the old me with a few friends serving as the midwives, helping to introduce me and all to this whole new world of people. i want to be the social butterfly but i guess i have to start somewhere...hmmm

Should i delete this blog and then start a new one with my new personality? because after all, some of the posts here are really too depressing and dosent reflect who i want to be. Or should i continue with this one as my past is still me, just not reflecting the current me, and that it adds depth to my personality...? Please leave a comment on your opinion on this!

the big crash of 2011

its 2am, im awake, wide awake. i dont think i can sleep throughout the night. too many things have happened and now i think im on the edge again.

first of all, the date fizzled. the guy that i have been dating and going out with for 1.5 months has decided to move back to kuching all of a sudden, and his decision was done in a selfish way. that was what hurted the most. But maybe he deserves a rest. And i put on too much expectations. The first guy that i ever opened up to being the guy i'll be emotionally open to, broke my trust and expectations in him. he knowingly gave me those before deciding to move back, but yet still wants the friendship to remain. these days im telling myself to not be bitter. He cant decide and cant face his problems. I guess we were on a different wavelength after all. It is quite painful to have invested too much trust. At least i get the experience of dating.

That aside, i seem to be having a spiritual crisis. I realize ive been letting myself down all along and failing my own goals, the consoling myself and pulling out a "this never happened" trick. It's now coming down, crashing on me. Colleagues are noticing, people are noticing, and i want to do something about it but the shame of allowing this to happen, as well as allowing the other guy in only to realize he was just...undecided, has literally broke my mental barriers. I saw a couple having sex in the gym sauna, and i wanted to, for a few hours, just seek for sex and practice it. It was just random sex but they were so passionately in sex, that it made me realized how much i sucked at that department.

its now almost 4.30am and i still have not slept. I guess its just one of the battles i have to face. its gonna be okay after tomorrow.

psycho healing

The fox has finally found a psychologist that will do pro-bono on him and he's been attending 2 sessions so far. The most ironic part would be that he found it on grindr. Yes i use grindr, but only when im really bored, and i only meet up with people who are friends only at shopping malls now. no more inhouse or in hotel meetups. Sex has never been an important agenda so far.. its just not worth it anymore. I'm too old to do that even though i am still single.

The whole sessions seemed to have gone smoothly so far, but it's more or less baby steps for me to improve myself. A little puddle of calmness in my head if you will. For me to think a while, step back and just improve for once. He's just helping me like myself more: if not nothing much can really improve. It hasnt been for the past 2 years or so because i was adapting to working life and the stress of it all, especially when it comes to dealing with colleagues and working with them and understanding how they work. Personally, i dont like that but dealing with it as i roll, and every day i keep hoping that it'll be better, but sadly new surprises await either on a weekly or monthly basis.

Its still not easy to open up to a psychologist: i cant seem to tell him about the deeper issues plaguing me yet. But what he has helped me understand about myself has made me feel more comfortable about myself and i do feel a little happier these days. And yeah. I just needed some help in that department before i can actually make proper decisions about myself and everything else but as usual, help never really comes easy. At this moment, if i do get in an emotional mess, it would be very, very hard for me to recover. Actually, that has been the way for the past 2 years due to lack of help etc, to like myself better. It's been a very long and hard journey that i've been wishing to end for the longest time. Just that i wont because i want to see how much more longer i can go.

I'm thankful i have friends that tell me what i need to hear once in a while to help kick my bum up a little every once in a while. You dont really get friends like that often. People that stand up for you even when everyone else sees you as an accursed monster to avoid, just because you suck at social skills are to be commended indeed. This self hating issue has got to stop because i'll just keep engaging in self harm -- sleeping around with guys is my way of cutting or stabbing myself, because i want to feel hurt and treated like trash...sometimes. It's almost stopped (if we want to include unwilling encounters) because i've started to deal with some issues and love myself more. So if i work on them more, it'll be better.

Why would i go back to a place where i am unwanted by the people there because i pulled out some very silly mistakes in the past to them? I do know they still hate me, but i just enjoy whatever there is for now and take it as self betterment. Or at least that is what i thought i could do until it's starting to affect me emotionally...which is bad. Sometimes i do ask myself every once in a while why am i there? And then i told myself im not there to make friends -- i'm there for a reason. Even if i am very, very far from it, but nevertheless i still want it. Sometimes, i am not sure if i should keep trying or give up but i still show up every now and then. I dont blame them, i didint know any better back then and in reality, nothing changes or softens a mistake that kept repeating in a way, no matter how spiritual they may be. I know, we all expect that spiritual people would be more forgiving, but thats not the case...thats just reality. *shrug*

thats just one of the few issues that i am dealing with. That and me planning to move out of my parents home sooner or later. I'll need to ask a few friends on the preparations tho. Opinions so far is that its not too financially viable yet with my current pay but i'll see how things go. It's time that i kinda live my own life, if not here in KL somewhere else like Singapore or some english speaking country. Australia maybe. But then i'll have to give up on that place i have mentioned before, which i am not too willing just yet. I dont give up, because if i did, i would have been dead by now. Even if it looks like i really, really should. But no.

yeah, getting more lucid and clearer these days :)

i love this song, kinda sums up my life in a way, except im not perfect. The psychologist told me to not be perfect, but just be the best person i can ever be which does...help me feel better about myself in so many ways...

I've been through quite a bit but really, its never enough. But still this song is like a pat on my back in some way. It does make me feel that its okay...

fanmail

I dont get much fanmail, but this one takes the cake:

from [Obviously fake email and handle]

to xiaokitsune@gmail.com

date Sat, Feb 19, 2011 at 8:12 PM

subject what the fuckckkkkkkkkkkkk!?!!!

mailed-by hotmail.com

hide details 8:12 PM (41 minutes ago)

seriously , are u fucking crazy? how can u even do that to a guy that size .WHY did you do it in the first place ? dont u know that ur putting urself in danger by doing that to a guy that is sick, is like digging ur grave? seriously , plse dont be a slut .

Why are you so desperate for sex and love ? cant u wait and let time take its cause ?Joining gayromeo and sites like that to find people , CMON LAH!!!!! Most people there are looking for SEX , SEX , SEX AND SEX! They dont care for love

Please live up to ur blog entries and dont do stupid things .Get out , make friends , have clean fun like sports .....IF U EVEN WANNA DATE , MIX AROUND WITH UR GAY BLOGGERS AND LET THEM MATCHMAKE , NOT GO FOR PEOPLE IN GAY ROMEO .You are still so young , dont get into truble in a young age .Jesus christ , use ur brain

BY THE WAY , I AM STRAIGHT , AND THIS IS MY ADVICE.

=========================================================

He reads gay blogs and claim to be straight. LOL. And how does he know about gayromeo's guys looking only for sex if he has not posted there before? hehehehahahhahaha omg

We all make mistakes sometimes, and i choose to make this one because i need

to go thru some experiences because ive used something similiar to lead on guys in the same way, so i'll need to go thru this as karma.

I go through this and warn others so that younger and more innocent gays wont have to walk the same road i did.

It's usually different for gay guys: dates usually come with sex, especially when the other person wants to know you more.

Because during sex you cant hide your personality and it just shows what type of person you are. Are you the type who will make the effort? or just wait to be served? are you forceful? submissive?

It's part and parcel of gay life unless i've decided to not meet anyone anymore, or stick to meeting virgins and bloggers (by the way, 75% of them are kinda hard to contact, either that or they dont like me)

best of all, i know how to get myself out of trouble and not to get irreversible damage. So yeah.

its actually different being gay and straight. as gay guys:

- rejections, phobia and discriminations from str8 guys

- led on to a relationship by prince charmings and then get dumped the next day, usually after sex

-met drama queens who block you in msn for telling them to be careful of boyfriends who commit on the 2nd date

-suffer heartbreaks from broken promises by other guys, even as friends.

- being used and abused for sex by guys who promise to be friends or your boyfriend

etc etc

I'm really not desperate, but it is an experience that has made me appreciate myself and my life more.

Also, in more times than one, meeting up with someone may end up with something you did not expect from the encounter because most gays dont like to keep their promises. It can be out of our control sometimes that is why i feel it is not fair for a straight guy to comment on gay life.

However i do thank you for your concern, reader, and yea i appreciate your feedback in leading a better example. However, i will also need to show people what happens when they do make a mistake: trauma. I've recovered from it tho and wont be going near guys from gayromeo for the time being.

nasty experience

Every gay guy has at least one nasty encounter in their dating adventures. I have several, but the recent one proved to be one of the nastiest ones, ever. I'm talking about it because there are lessons to be learnt here, and that i am not angry or whatsoever.

I met this guy with average looks and body 3 days ago through gayromeo. I was taken in by his headline which said something about love not being about finding the perfect person but making the imperfect perfect. Omg relationship material! So i messaged him and we exchanegd a few messages. He was due to move to somewhere my place but his house is being renovated and will only be complete at the end of the month. As we exchanged messages, i found out that he was 33 and he just came back from the US, and he's staying here in KL. His ex of 8 years died of cancer in the US and that he can be very loyal to someone. Okay lah, he's worth talking to so we exchanged phone numbers.

After some flirting and exchange of messages, he was sick. After the 4th message, he kept begging me to meet up with him. Incessantly. That he would like to meet me on that night itself after work. Soon he found out that i was on leave and he begged me to come to him even more. I finally relented just to stop his complaining because i realize it will continue for the entire day until i actually met him, which by the way is in YMCA hostel in brickfields...i asked him to take LRT but he said he was sick. What about me? I'm sick and he wants me to drive in the hot sun....right. But i obliged.

He told me that he had gained alot of weight, from 65kg to 80kg. So i asked him for his recent picture. He refused as he wants me to like him for who he is. I told him i just wanted to know what to expect. He said ulgy fat guy. I kinda mentally prepared myself, but turns out that he's a chub that is at least 110kg heavy. He was clad in his tees and towel, and gave me a hug, which was the precursor for sex....

It was terrible. He shoved his humongous tits into my face..i was pretty sure they were breasts whenever he wanted me to suckle. he never asked if i was a dairy queen. He did it repeatedly and it was disgusting. He also kissed me repeatedly even though he knew he had a flu (lucky i didnt catch it, he even told me that my body resistance will be strong enough and i wont get it from him.) He rubbed my penis between his legs without lube and it did hurt. He did not care at all even tho i was disgusted and i noticed he had a skin tag on one of his nipples (ugh! omg!). I asked for a break after a while and he kept saying that it was making love and not sex. He continued to make me suckle his nipples until i said i had enough. And when i said i did, he said he wanted me to cum and i told him no. Then he went on and on about how its good for health and it helps with heatiness and all. So i got bored and just allowed him. It ended with us talking more and lunch. He claimed that the doctor told him he was healthy despite his fats (errr) and that he fattened himself up to stop people from liking him as he was depressed about his ex's death (uh, there are so many other ways of not getting gays to fall in love with you, just start deleting your profiles online dearie and stop visiting gay bars) and he was 3 times his current size (then did they have to move you around in a crane back then?) and he is reducing now to play the sports he once liked.

The story did not end there. After a few SMS exchanges the next day, and around 8:

him: Still at office

20mnins later

him: Hi had your dinner yet? What are you doing now

me: I'm attending a class right now. how bout you

him: just got out of the police station. i was robbed

me: omg are you okay? what did you lost

him: personal laptop and rm800 (i did not see any laptop around that day) i'll have to stop smsing now, credit running now and no money to reload. i only have a few cents with me.

me: take care, calm down and dont be too sad over the losses

him: bank only opens on monday

me: they open on saturdays half day

him: not all banks <---LOLWUT

me: bye and take care

no credit somemore SMS me 3 times. At the not all banks part, i realize that he was clearly trying to get me to go over to his place, again. And my money as well. why cant you tell your boss so that he would provide you with emergency funds? (he says the company that hired him wanted him to start work immediately) why tell me about it? Calvin says its a conjob. And i agree: too many loopholes. The sex showed that he is a selfish person that only cares about himself (i did tell him off the next day that i had insomia the night before and a full day the next day and yet he insisted on me cumming solely for his own pleasure...and he said "are you blaming me now? its okay i understand") and the amount of mindgames he played showed that he is good at getting people to do what he wants. And he does not consider about other people at all. He likes to use people. And the robbery part....its too obvious sorry to say that it is a lie...nobody tells someone they know for only 2 days about their robbery...i wouldnt do that or hint for money. even if my family is not in malaysia. What if it's real? well...if it is, i would have not caved in because i barely know him enough to lend him anything.

so boys and girls, or rather girls, be careful and dont be too trusting of people...think it over and get a 2nd opinion. Older guys are very good at mindgames and so are younger ones. It doesent take much for someone to convince you that you're in love with them so be on guard. Be careful when meeting with people or taking their word.